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“House of Cards” recap (2.8): Yes, Rachel and Lisa Kiss in This One

Remy Danton reads news about China and the bridge deal on his phone while apparently on a stakeout. He meets Evelyn Baxter, who is nervous to see him. Evelyn is Claire’s office manager from last season — the one Claire fired for showing concern about the mass layoff.

In the Veep’s office, Frank is meeting with the leaders of a Native American tribe and — whoopsie! — someone didn’t think to take down the prominently displayed picture of Andrew Jackson. Frank gets himself into a big photo op nonetheless.

Back in Rachel’s apartment, The Depression Arms, Rachel gets ready in the morning and continues to not own many decorative items. A knock on the door interrupts her routine. Just as we’re all bracing for Doug, it’s Lisa! Rachel opens the door and Lisa is posed in the doorway looking extra sad.

Photo by Nathaniel Bell. Image courtesy of Netflix

Remy plies Evelyn with coffee as she talks about her own bummer situation. She’s not getting a lot of work. Remy dangles a job possibility while plying her with Starbucks. And then he lightly mentions that he and Claire had a falling out and Evelyn opens up like a sardine can. She immediately — like within seconds — hints that Claire isn’t always loyal to Frank. Well, maybe, if you’re going to use human mortal standards, but that’s hardly fair.

Rachel and Lisa share some coffee and some real talk. We break in on their conversation with Rachel wondering if “she” threatened Lisa. Lisa quickly segues into mentioning that she, Lisa, used to be pretty heavily into drugs. Not the cute stuff; meth and heroin. (Wait, aren’t those opposites? Can you really get into both at the same time? It seems counterproductive.) Lisa gets up to leave, but Rachel says she can crash there. You know, just for a few days. And then Rachel texts Doug.

Frank, tidying his re-hung Andrew Jackson portrait, and Linda Vasquez are arguing, which makes sense given that he suddenly seems to have completely flip-flopped on China. Also Vasquez can’t help but notice that he suddenly loves that bridge so much he’s picking out curtains with it. She’s suspicious, and none too soon. Frank tries throwing a series of political buzzwords at her: “Jobs! Infrastructure! Deficit reduction!” And yet he does not sell her the bridge. Frank fabricates a promise that he’ll back off, then leans back to assure us that he absolutely will not. Doug materializes to comisserbitch about the bridge, and Frank reveals that he is pushing to get that Native American tribe officially recognized so that they can break ground on a casino, presumably to suck money from Lanagin’s. Dang. That is some high-level counter-punching.

In Claire’s office, Megan, the caller from Claire’s interview, is nervous. As we all would be if we’d been brought in for a little chat with Claire, the First Lady, and a sitting congresswoman. Megan says maybe talking about her assault more in the open would help her. Claire says hey, no pressure, oh, and the Congresswoman wonders if Megan can come and talk to the Armed Services Committee, with a media event afterwards?

Tricia Walker wonders if they should throw Megan into all that, the cameras and all, and Claire says they need to trust that she really wants to do this. The person Claire wants assurances from is Tricia: Will the President back them? Ooh, Tricia thinks he might be awfully busy and won’t want to get involved. (And isn’t that one of the most realistically D.C. moments of this D.C. show? Yes, people who actually volunteer to get shot at for the comfort of the rest of us are getting raped by their own colleagues and have almost no recourse, but, hey, awfully busy right now, plus that issue makes us uncomfortable. Maybe next legislative session, or next year after we nail down National Dairy Product Week?)

Tricia also says she and Garrett haven’t been communicating well — or at all. Claire says she and Frank have been there too, and it helped to see someone. Tricia is worried about exposure on account of her husband is the President of the United States and all, but Claire says no need to worry because instead of a therapist she and Frank went to a swamp hag minister. Unlicensed, but so good and confidential, and wouldn’t Tricia like to go to this person Claire is recommending? Tricia won’t take the bait, but Claire leaves it there in case she’s hungry later.

Jackie Sharp, working late as always, lets Remy in. She wants to know where all the money pouring into the Republican party is coming from. She’s losing in her district. And even if she manages to pull a win out, if the Democrats lose the house, she loses her position as Majority Whip and everything that she worked and spiked a dear old family friend for.

Jackie would also like to know if Remy is upset about the way their last hookup ended. She explains that she’s never been with anyone for more than six months. Congresswoman Sharp is a rolling stone. She’d like something more with Remy, but only if they have clear boundaries and keep their professional lives professional, because setting those guidelines up before banging each other silly always works out perfectly. Remy says they can talk about that happening when a phalanx of guards and administrative assistants don’t know he’s there.

Remy walks out and Jackie takes a moment to get at tad less emotional and way, way less turned on.

Photo by Nathaniel Bell. Image courtesy of Netflix

Frank slithers in to bug the President about the bridge he just said he would stop bugging the President about. Walker barely looks up from his papers with his “not now.” The President thinks the bridge is more of a midterm thing and also that Frank is obsessed with the bridge, just like Linda Vasquez mentioned. Frank turns to us and snarls that Linda is a “back-stabbing, vomit-inducing bitch” and we all fall in love with House of Cards all over again. And then we note down that combination of hyphenates for later use.

Walker asks what the hell with the bridge talk all day long, and Frank mentions that he’s been backchanneling with the Chinese even though the President specifically ordered him to stop backchanneling and we all begged everyone to please stop saying “backchanneling” after that one episode where they said “backchanneling” like eleven million times. The President is royally pissed, but Frank says he’s been doing all the, um, dorsal tunneling just for him and P.S. he didn’t want the President to know about it because what he’s doing is so shady that the President shouldn’t be connected to it, which is exactly what every boss wants to hear.

Frank says they’re in no danger as long as they end their conversation right now, which I am totally using during the first ten minutes of every meeting from now until the end of time. Walker says he feels like he’s losing control of his administration and I wonder at his tense.

Frank says that he, Linda, and Mrs. Walker are all looking out for him and the President spills like a BP project, immediately letting Frank know that he and the Missus are on the rocks. And then he asks Frank if Claire said anything to him about how Tricia feels, because no matter how many smart business suits we put on or well-researched appliances we buy, we are all still always in the eighth grade, trying to figure things out and wondering if someone else got any inside information passed to them in a note during English class.

Frank soothes that the most difficult job on earth would take a toll on any marriage, and you know what would help? Frank’s goddamned bridge project. The President, totally worn down, says he’ll take another look at it. Frank calls the President “Garrett,” because humping his leg right there in the conference room would be gauche.

At the Bureau of Indian Affairs, Doug is trying to speed things up for getting the Ugaya tribe recognized quickly. Would money help cut through that administrative red tape? The Bureau representative says it’s first come, first served and there are a kazillion applications ahead of them and Doug is all “Did you not hear me say money?” The Ugaya chairman says that Lanagin disenrolled them. Oh, man, that’s harsh — that would mean that not only would the disenrolled members lose out on casino benefits, they could lose Federal benefits and tribal jobs. The Bureau rep says the Bureau doesn’t want to get involved in inter-tribal conflicts, but Doug Jedi mind tricks him and says they totally will.

Doug manifests to Frank — presumably while that last meeting is still going on — and says it’ll be about two months. Lanagin knows what’s up and wants to meet. Frank sends Doug for an excuse to go to Kansas City so he can meet with Dan on the sly. I guess Frank can’t say “Because RIBS, that’s why!” with Freddy’s right there in town.

While he’s at it, Frank swoops in to ask Jackie how things are going. She says “terrific,” then gives him the shadiest look you’ve seen since your mom caught you trying to sneak cookies when you were three.

Tricia is trying — and failing — to get the President to give one single speech to try to cut down on military assaults and suicides. But, gosh, he’s awfully busy. Tricia complains that she had to schedule a meeting to see him and she doesn’t want to lobby her husband when he gets home. Garrett does exactly the right thing as President and exactly the wrong thing as Tricia’s husband and ends his talk with her and shows the next meeting in.

Tricia needs someone she can really trust to talk this out, but instead she calls Claire. Claire makes sure Frank knows who’s calling, then goes to get the number of that helpful man of the cloth, Dr. Thomas Larkin, and how is she just rattling off a real phone number like that? 202-251-6258. Oh, would Tricia like Claire to call ahead and prep him? RUN, TRICIA, RUN! Claire says “We’ll see” to Frank and then the two of them curl up with their tails around each other, nostrils gently smoking.

Remy is talking to a young photographer who wants to turn color theory on its head. Funny thing: she used to work for Adam Galloway! Heavens to Betsy, what a coincidence — the same Adam Galloway who had an affair with Claire last season. Uh-oh. Remy asks to buy all of the young abstract photographer’s pictures at once. Hahahahaha.

Frank’s plane lands in Kansas City so he can speak at Womack’s Fundraiser/Excuse for putting on a trench coat and a fake beard and shinnying down a hotel drainpipe to go talk to Lanagin. While Frank drones on, surreptitiously dabbing spirit gum on his face as he does so, Seth talks to a reporter from The Times who wants an interview with Claire. Seth also takes time to backstab Connor again because what the hell, he needs the cardio.

Seth is just promising a one-on-one with Claire when — AIEE! — Ayla has ninjaed up behind him and wants to talk about Frank visiting Industrial Tusk. Is he going to visit him again? Seth says no, not mentioning the part where the only reason Frank would willingly visit Tusk at this point would be if Frank thought Tusk’s grave needed more urine on it.

Frank finishes his speech for Womack, then signs a few autographs and nails a photo op all while muttering with Seth about a potential blind spot.

We approach an imposing mansion with thirty-seven Secret Service vans, so I’m guessing word about this super-secret meeting will get out if someone really wants it to. It’s Lanagin’s humble abode, and oh, goddammit, Tusk is here. Put on your protective goggles; dicks are about to get swung.

First swipe comes from Lanagin, who notes that he doesn’t even swim in that giant pristine pool, but offers Frank a dip. And some meat. Er, steak. Frank’s not going to be sticking around for messy-eating lengths of time, thanks. Tusk launches right in on the Ugaya shenanigans. Lanagin says they’re not a real tribe, and Frank takes the next swing, saying that they will be, and a directly competing casino is next, so Lanagin had better take a dip in that pool while he can. Ooh, that one made the chandelier jangle.

Oh, snap! Chairman Whitehall of the Ugaya is doing a little backchanneling of his own — he immediately called Lanagin after the Bureau of Indian Affairs meeting. Lanagin is re-enrolling them in his own tribe. Casino profits now beats casino profits in two years, house wins. Lanagin knocked over a potted ficus with that one.

Tusk says the deal is he gets the President’s ear and trust again and the money starts flowing back to the President. Frank says the deal is bite him, because he’ll start a Bureau of Indian Affairs investigation… Only Tusk doesn’t believe he will, because Frank was in the House during the main years that Tusk’s money was getting laundered through the casino and sent to House Democrats. Ooh, swing and a miss for Frank, clipped hedge and a knocked-down birdhouse for Tusk.

The steaks arrive and Lanagin sweeps some bric-a-brac off the mantelpiece by explaining that the meat is $200 a pound. Frank grabs his $400 cut of meat and throws it in the pool, sending Lanagin’s German shepherd bounding after it.

Frank leaves, deeply pissed off. His day is rapidly falling apart. On the other hand, Lanagin’s German shepherd is having the BEST DAY EVER!

Now that the Ugaya deal is toast, Frank is all bridge deal, all day. He and Doug talk on phones while in cars. Frank wants Linda Vasquez bypassed and a meeting with the President tonight. He also wants Meechum to call his plane and get him some ribs for the flight back.

Where is Doug driving, you ask? To creepystare at Lisa and Rachel as they’re leaving her apartment for the Christian hostage shed. Doug lets himself in and — OH, GOD, NO, DOUG — smells Rachel’s sheets. This is what happens when you don’t take vacations, Doug. Manifest in Antigua for a few days. Do you guys think it’s weird that Rachel hasn’t put a single piece of decoration on her walls? If anyone ever needed motivational posters, it’s Rachel. Though maybe less “Hang in there!” and more “Save up for a bus ticket!”

Oh, hell, yes: Back at the White House, Vasquez is calling Frank on several layers of bullshit: No, he did not get “called to a meeting” by the President, and no, he did not shut the hell up about that bridge when he specifically said he would and no, he does not get to cut her out of meetings. Oh, and by the way, when he goes all secretive and Gollum, it means she can’t do her damn job.

Frank says she’s inflating her sense of self-importance and then completely loses his cool, unzipping and swinging for the fences and asking her how many elections she’s won or Congressional committees she’s chaired. You know what does not impress Vasquez? Dick-swinging. She pulls her ovaries out and whips them around her head like a bola. Frank brats that he wants to go to the oval office right now and ask the President to choose between his Vice President and his Chief of Staff. Vasquez is stunned into open-mouthed speechlessness by the assholery, and Frank slams out.

Vasquez sticks around to talk to the President. And, with a little luck, to spike Frank’s plans. No dice. If there is one thing President Walker does not want to hear one more goddamned word about today, it’s bridges. No talk of partial dentures, no referring to the upper part of anyone’s nose, and no humming anything other than the verses and choruses of songs. It doesn’t matter who’s right or who has a good point to make. Nothing. About. Bridges. Ever. Again. (Until tomorrow.) Vasquez has made the disastrous tactical error of going in to plead her case after the parent has already been too worn down by the other child’s relentless badgering and is sick to death of the whole thing. I bet Vasquez is a younger sibling.

Remy and Seth are on their favorite canoodling park benches, sitting turned away from each other so it doesn’t seem like they’re talking. Well, unless you are looking at them. Remy is disappointed that Seth is taking so long with new leads for dirt on Claire, especially when Remy himself has a juicy new public image-destroyer and some awesome arty photographs for his bachelor pad. (Hey, Remy? Give a few of those to Rachel.) Remy wants to know who Seth is really working for. As do we all, Remy! This city is so full of turncoats it looks like a fall runway show out there.

Remy knows that whomever Seth is working for, it isn’t him and Tusk. He says Seth made the wrong choice, and calls him a parasite. Seth calls Remy a parasite in a nicer suit. It is nice.

Back at Murky Towers, Claire lounges beautifully on a couch, checking her phone and swirling coconut oil into her scales to keep them shiny. Frank alerts her to the fact that Seth thinks Remy has something on them, but doesn’t know what. And, really, Seth, you could have played the game for like another sentence and a half and gotten it out of him. That is some piss-poor skullduggery.

Frank figures it’s probably nothing, or at least nothing they can’t handle, and probably even a bluff, but Claire is on full alert, spine straight and ears up, wings unfurling so she can zip straight into the sky if she has to. She flexes her hands just enough to make the claws come out. Claire notes that Remy is a dangerous man. Frank says “We can be dangerous too, when we have to be,” and then a presenter rushes out to hand him the Understatement of the Year trophy, which they’re just going to go ahead and award now seeing as how all the other nominees have mysteriously thrown themselves in front of commuter trains.

Rachel sings “Lord, I Just Can’t Keep from Crying” while Lisa lies next to her on the bed thinking “lord, I just can’t keep from yearning” and wondering why the sheets smell like creep. Rachel finishes singing and Lisa says “Don’t stop” in a tone that suggests she’s hoping to get used to that phrase.

Instead, Rachel tells Lisa she used to be a call girl. Lisa is so ready to listen. And Rachel tells Lisa how much she feels like she can trust her. Aw, she’s never trusted anyone before. Lisa raises the stakes and asks if she’s ever loved anyone. No. Lisa says she’s never expected much from the world; she’s just happy to have what she has, and happy to have this, and then that does it, they’re finally kissing. It’s well done and would have been a surprising-but-logical-and-satisfying moment had they not put it right smack in the trailer for prurient interest. (Which is not to say that that strategy did not work in its own way, because here we are.)

Right! Women kissing! It feels organic to the way they’ve been setting these characters up, and it’s a good mixture of sweet and hot. No one has to process any feelings, which is refreshing. Just kiss.

Back at the Walkers’ living quarters, it’s all processing. Tricia wants to be each other’s support system, not sources of stress for each other. She tells him how important her marriage is to her, and how important she wants it to be for him. Garrett looks at her and only sees a source of stress.

And in the morning, the President’s blood pressure levels are not getting any better. He’s trying to figure out what the hell illegal nonsense Frank is up to. Frank’s all “No worries! I’m totes making this more legal and aboveboard by the second!” Sounds good to the President. But he’s still out of sorts because Linda Vasquez submitted her resignation. The President is upset that Vasquez could be so manipulative. How did this man get to be the leader of things?

The President wants to know if Vasquez’s complaints are valid, and Frank shanks her with some very even-handed sounding, very faint praise. Frank ticks off Linda’s faults while pretending to advocate for keeping her. Frank says she’s resigned, so she’s already gone, even if she stays, and points out that if the President fights to keep her, all his staffers will know that they can get their way by threatening to quit. Frank is the kind of abuser who peels off his victim’s support network before he starts to escalate. Run, Mr. President, run!

Megan smokes a cigarette outside, looking very small, and Claire comes out to get her. Megan picks now to mention that sometimes she gets panic attacks. Claire, not wanting to pressure Megan or anything, tells her that the room is full of press and senior members of Congress who are there just to hear Megan. The trouble with messing with people’s heads as much as Claire does is sometimes you can’t turn it off.

Megan doesn’t want to do this, she wants to go home. She accuses Claire of just wanting her own moment to shine, which is when Claire pushes her into the wall. Is it too much to hope for another kiss? Yes. Rats.

Photo by Nathaniel Bell. Image courtesy of Netflix

Claire composes herself and starts talking about this in terms of “we,” and the good they’re both doing, and Megan tells Claire that last night she picked up a total stranger in a bar and had sex with him, which was fun but unoriginal because it’s the same thing she did the night before and like the previous fifteen nights before that. Megan steps away to start muttering all cray, and Claire realizes that she has miscalculated.

Megan says she doesn’t want to be the poster girl and the shot is perfect, the two of them so small against a huge gray government building, as Claire finally comforts a panicking Megan for real.

Feng is in a Big Industrial Place with big industrial tubes. He’s chatting on the phone with Doug, who I guess is too tired from all the stalking and the sheet-sniffing to actually manifest there. Doug says the bridge is on, so Feng says the money will start flowing away from the Republicans and toward the Democrats again. And while we’re at this point, let’s take a moment to pause our streams and thank the Supreme Court for the current state of our campaign finance laws, which made this storyline possible. (Also P.S. it’s why everyone in Washington talks about “entitlement reform” instead of, say, raising billions of dollars for the country by putting fraction-of-a-cent taxes on massive computerized stock trades.)

Anyhoo, Doug would like some proof of Feng’s commitment to him and Frank: Killing Feng’s co-venture with Tusk. For good, today. Doug peaces out and Feng looks anxious.

Remy, waiting for plane in a location that manages to look a hell of a lot like Dulles Airport, froggy people-moving vehicles in the background and all, takes a call from Jackie, who looks smashing. And happy, for once. She’s not calling for business, just calling. Does Remy want to have dinner tomorrow? Yes. And she’d like him to stay over. Cherish these moments of happiness, Remy and Jackie, Rachel and Lisa! Cherish them like a perfect, beef-and-dog-hair-free pool! You never know when things will come kersplashing to an end.

Vasquez tells Frank that the President accepted her resignation. Frank doesn’t bother to act surprised. Frank truthfully tells her that he brought up her loyalty and competence, without mentioning the gagging noises he made while he did so. Vasquez thanks him for his original recommendation, politeness, politeness, she won’t make a fuss in the press.

Vasquez says “I have something for you,” and for just a second I think she’s going to put her hand in her pocket and then pull out a middle finger, but it’s a Medal of Honor — the first one awarded to a Hispanic-American, a Union soldier in the Civil War. Frank doesn’t know what to say, and neither do we, because Vasquez had Frank totally figured out a few scenes ago and now she’s giving him her coolest stuff. Just give him some nice bourbon and call it a day.

Vasquez, who, oh, Shesus, has misread everything, says it’s clear that the President sees Frank as a friend, but warns Frank that this job is so much bigger than their friendship. Everything is bigger than their friendship, Linda! There are infant microbes that are bigger than their friendship. Frank is only buttering the President up so he’ll be that much tastier when the Underwoods spit-roast him.

Frank promises to treasure the medal. He may or may not, but he will treasure Vasquez going down fighting. He likes people who play to win.

Speaking of playing to win, Remy talks to Mr. and Mrs. Tusk, handing them an electronic tablet to look at. He says that the refinery deal is dead and they’re running out of options. Tusk asks his sweet wife Jean if they should do the dastardly thing they’re planning, and Jean says “Fuck him. Do it.” A woman of few words, that Jean. I can’t help but like her.

A line of Secret Service cars pull up and the Walkers get out of one. They say hello to Richard, a man who seems to be profoundly ill, and then walk in to see the Reverend. Ooh, good job, actor playing the Reverend, you made me not trust you in three nanoseconds flat. The Walkers sit down to save their marriage and also perhaps to inadvertently give a direct line of gossip to the Underwoods.

Back in Murky Towers, Claire worries about Frank inhaling too much model glue at his craft project, but he says that’s half the fun. Claire explains about Megan bailing, and then they both get phone calls.

Frank’s just been e-mailed a tabloid cover. With a photo of Claire on it. The headline reads “Mrs. Underwood Under the Sheets”

Uh-oh. We’ll see how this shakes out next week.

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