Welcome to the season finale of The Real World: Ex-Plosion, the 29th eruption of sores that affects our cable boxes once or twice a year. The Real World breakouts are recurring and incurable, and even Valtrex doesn’t seem to alleviate any symptoms. It looks like it’s here to plague us, forever. Fortunately, we have come to the final stages of this painful burning flare-up where everyone acted like imbeciles – except for the lesbians. Go lesbians!
The episode starts out in a white van barreling down a California highway. The last time we saw a white van speeding down California highway on television, it ended with fatal stabbings and courtroom drama, so this episode is off to an auspicious start. As we peek into the van, the tension between Cory and Brian reaches terror level red, and finally Cory snaps and it’s bombs away on Brian.
No one, including Cory and Brian themselves, knows what they are fighting about, but it is clear their bromance is as dead as the brain cells in my head after watching the eleven previous episodes. Thom and Jay pull the two pugnacious lads apart, but not before Brian lands a kick on Cory’s nose. The producers stop the van and tell Brian to get out and to wait with them until Cory cools down. After Brian leaves, Thom giggles like a little girl and playfully pokes the still surly Cory, who tells everyone that he plans to punch Brian out when they get home. Arielle stares at the boys in disbelief and is probably wishing for a pair of red shoes to click three times to be spirited home.
Everyone except for Brian returns home, and Cory runs around the house looking for him, so he can serve him a knuckle sandwich. The rest of the roommates calm him down, and with no Brian in sight, he goes to bed, cursing under his breath. As soon as Cory is snoring, the producers allow Brian to return home. Brian is still irritated and he decides to take his frustrations out on Jenny—by processing his feelings for her again. Jenny decides to pour water on Brian’s bed, so Brian will have to sleep somewhere else. He calls her a bitch and then a slut and passes out on the floor in the hallway.
The next morning, Cory continues to voice his desire to punch Brian’s lights out, but Brian decides to diffuse the situation by approaching Cory to talk. The talk quickly turns into a shouting match, with Cory calling Brian a bitch, Brian calling Cory dimwitted, and Thom and Jay sitting on the sidelines munching imaginary popcorn. Cory tells us that in the past he would have thrown the first punch, and he has a moment of self reflection. He decides he will get nothing out of hitting Brian. “This shows how far I have come,” he tells us. That’s great, Cory, but you have many miles to go.
Jamie and Thom sit down and discuss whether they will continue dating after the show ends. Jamie wants to give it the ol’ college try, but Thom is afraid that it will not work out. Then Jamie dares Thom to break up with her then and there, but Thom tells her he needs to think about it.
The entire cast goes sailing in San Francisco Bay, and Jenny tells us, “If there is a man overboard it would be Brian.” No one throws him off the boat, so it looks like he might just make it through to the end of the show. Or will he?
And then, as if we haven’t endured enough screen time between the two of them, it’s Jenny and Brian on the couch processing their feelings yet again. Brian makes a last ditch effort to get Jenny back and Jenny turns him down.
Jamie and Thom decide that they will try to continue their relationship after they leave the house, and then the cast mates get ready for their last night out. Brian dons an entire camo outfit and tells us, “I’m ready to go to war, baby.”
At the club Brian approaches Jenny again to try to talk. Well, love is a battlefield, I guess. Jenny ignores him, so he decides to kiss the bottle instead. Speaking of kissing, on the van ride back Jamie plants a wet sloppy kiss on Ashley as Thom is passed out. No one thinks Jamie swallowing Ashley’s face whole is out of the ordinary, including Arielle, so let’s move on.
At the house, Brian is so drunk he can barely stand up and he starts making a ruckus. Everyone else tries to calm him down, but he mumbles incoherently and starts kicking anything lying in his path. Cory tries to get him to stop using everyone’s personal belongings as soccer balls, but he won’t listen. Instead he starts running around the house destroying furniture. Cory restrains him, and then the security guards fly out of nowhere and take Brian to the next room over, where he continues to break furniture.
“You’re lookin’ like a damn gorilla in a cage!” yells Cory, and Brian responds with a primal scream. Cory laughs out loud and walks away shaking his head.
Arielle decides to talk sense into Brian but then Brian stands up and starts yelling in the general direction of Jenny. Then out of nowhere, he knocks Arielle to the ground. More security guards come into the room and take Brian away to a hotel.
The next morning, everyone readies to leave the house. Arielle and Jamie laugh over Jamie and Ashley’s sloppy drunk kiss. Jenna is looking forward to going to the “plane station,” which Jay tells her is usually referred to as an “airport.”
Then Brian wobbles back into the house, looking hung over and bewildered. He doesn’t remember a thing.
“Will everyone tell me what happened last night and why?” he asks everyone.
“You went mad,” says Jay.
“I think you were possessed by a demonic spirit,” says Jenny.
Brian tells us, “I think I went big and now I am going home.”
The roommates leave the house, one by one, to go to their respective plane stations, except Arielle and Ashley. As locals, all they want is to go somewhere for a snack. What shall they have?
“Let’s get some fish tacos,” says Arielle, as they walk off into the sunset. But of course.
