Oh my God, I have missed you guys so much. And by “you guys,” I mean the characters, the actors, and most especially the fans, without whom this movie would never have come to be. I tried to promise myself that Facing the Enemy would be enough, that when it was done I could finally achieve some closure with this show, but apparently I am a big fat liar because I DON’T FEEL DONE AT ALL. DO YOU GUYS FEEL DONE? Of course, this is partly a function of the fact that Bomb Girls could have a forty-six season run and we would still be entertained by Ali Liebert’s face, but partly I blame the mediocrity of the movie’s script. NOW HOLD YOUR HORSES, BEFORE YOU START SENDING ME PEN-BOMBS; I didn’t say the mediocrity of the movie. It’s obvious that the cast, crew, and director pumped as much love as they could muster into this thing. But the hired gun they brought on to write it (who, not incidentally, did not write a single episode of the actual show) tried to make a movie about Gladys the spy out of an ensemble show about friendship, and something crucial was lost in translation. Not to mention someone crucial. Okay, enough grousing. Let’s face our enemies and turn our backs to our friends. Wait.
So the movie’s “previously on Bomb Girls” really functions as “unexpectedly resurrected plotlines that you will need to remember to understand the movie.” It features:
The first shot of the movie proper is Gladys Witham-Hastings firing a pistol at Spy Camp.
She takes a moment between every shot to revel in her own perfection, like
God, I look fucking amazing right now and I am a total sharpshooter.
If we had a mirror in this shooting range I would turn myself on. Like that scene in American Psycho, but instead it would be, like, Canadian Heroine.
I should totally sew that on a cape.
When she fires all her bullets, Clifford approaches her, his smarm undiminished by the passing of time.
OH GOOD, YOU’RE HERE.
He informs her that they will be leaving for her first real assignment in a matter of days.
Cut to: Victory Munitions, where Lorna Corbett (LORNA, HOW I’VE MISSED YOU) and Snaky Akins (UM, HI I GUESS) stage whisper to each other about just how swimmingly World War II is going. Not fooled at all are Marco, Vera, and Kate, who know for a fact that the bad guys are still winning. Also Marco and Vera are engaged now, which is good but it means that Vera will have to refocus her energies from saving the world through sex to some new hobby.
She’s Vera; what could go wrong?
While outside the factory, we met a new redhead, who announces herself as Mrs. Helen Buchinsky, current wife to Ivan, Kate’s ex-fiance. She wastes no time at all in telling Kate that she thinks she is an ugly deviant who belongs in jail.
NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
Back at Spy Camp, Gladys and Clifford learn that roughly one in a hundred Allied ships are actually making it to Britain without being sunk by German U-Boats. Like, you would have better odds of survival in an actual, literal game of Battleship. David, (head counselor of Spy Camp and the only man with a jaw squarer than Cliff) blames it on faulty radar technology, which was designed by Jacob Berman, who the previews tell us is an important characters (personally I’d be thrilled if we could spend more time with the charcters we already love, instead of going all New Glee Club with these guys, but I didn’t write The Craigslist Killer so what do I know). Anyway Berman is like “MY TECHNOLOGY IS FLAWLESS. I’M TELLING YOU, IT’S SABOTAGE.” So the investigation into the case of the tampered radars is under way.
Back at the factory, Kate and Ivan cross paths for the first time since the asthma cigarettes incident.
Ivan. IVAN. You have something on your face.
Kate expositions at him about how the charges against her were dropped, and Ivan is like “YEAH BUT ARE YOU A HOMO” so I guess that’s out in the open now.