“Glee” recap (5.13): I dare you to love me

Previously on Glee, the Old New Directions returned to send the New New Directions off into the abyss while the Old New New Directions prepared to finally graduate from high school. April Rhodes and Holly Holiday also returned, to get soused up in the rafters of the theater and concoct shenanigans for saving the glee club one more time.

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April and Holly are palling around the faculty lounge at McKinley, trying to figure out how to make the most out of a game of Kill, Marry, or Bone that prominently features Mr. Schue as the most bone-able contestant. Apparently Sue only hears the words “Will” and “Kill” because she scoots in there with a fire in her eyes and a crossbow strapped to her back. She’s happy to find her friend Holly hanging out; they’ve grown so close these last few days that they bought matching track suits and submitted a video application to The Amazing Race. For Holly, it’s all about the costumes (first) and saving New Directions (second); she uses her buddy leverage with Sue to convince her to introduce music into the non-glee extra curriculars because of test scores science.

In the choir room, Kurt announces that Blaine got into NYADA, which surprises no one. And Tina gets smacked in the face with a giant trophy, which, again, surprises no one. In her unconsciousness she imagines a multi-camera Friends-style New York life that involves all the Old New Directions living and working together while Sam walks around all day in his underwear. The best parts of her dream are: 1) Kurt and Blaine finally making out like a couple of 19-year-old dudes. 2) Rachel with The Rachel. 3) The credits of Chums feature Tina as the only lead, with Santana and Rachel getting a second-billing co-star credit. 4) Mike Chang. (“MIKE CHAAANG!”) When Tina wakes up, she’s more determined than ever to get into Jewish community college in NYC.

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Since the choir room is being disassembled, Old New Directions stage one last intervention, but in the theater. Kurt and Mercedes stand on stage and talk about a tater tot feud they had in the cafeteria earlier today. See, since day one, tater tots have been Mercedes’ thing, OK, and so it really got her goat when when Kurt showed up today ordering tater tots like he’d been into them all along. Well, but Kurt protested that he could love tater tots too and eat them just as good as Mercedes even though he’d only come to appreciate their deliciousness later in life. Santana is on one side of the theater rolling her eyes* and Rachel is on the other side doing the same. But nobody is rolling their eyes when Kurt and Mercedes team up on “I Am Changing” from Dream Girls because they crush it. Like standing ovation levels of crushing it.

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(*While Brittany stares at her adoringly.)

In the bathroom, Rachel offers Santana the olive branch of 10 shows of her choosing after the first three months of Funny Girl so her mom and her abuela can come see her, but Santana refuses because she doesn’t want to half-win; she wants to whole-win. Rachel is like, “Honestly, why? Why with this whole thing?” Santana pauses at the door, thinks for a long moment, shrugs, bounces. She landed the role of understudy like four episodes ago, Rachel. You can’t expect these writers to remember what motivations they imbued into a character all the way back at … the beginning of the month.

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