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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.6 “Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are”

It’s not exactly a news flash when I remind you that this is a Very Special Episode of South of Nowhere. Yes, I know that all episodes of SON are inherently special, you obsessive freaks, but this one’s a doozy. So strap yourselves in and remember that you’re going to have to sit throught a lot of Kyla/Aiden, Arthur/Paula, Clay/Chelsea, and Glen/Demerol drama in order to get to Spencer’s big gay moment of truth. That–and not Spencer and Ashely’s LA teen couture–is why they call the show an “ensemble” drama.

Kyla’s Dressing RoomAiden and Kyla are in her bedroom running lines from Romeo and Juliet. At least I hope that’s what they’re doing. We don’t need another ounce of couple drama on this show this week, so can you two please just work it out, whatever it is?

Kyla is throwing diva tantrums as if she’s already a professional actress, and Aiden understandably requests a break. Kyla flips and goes all Faye Dunaway on him, then flips back to the “normal” setting and tells him that he makes a cute Romeo. Aiden proclaims that Romeo is “whipped” (so he’s clearly been doing some method acting). As Kyla exhorts all the ways in which Romeo is not “whipped” she gets a mysterious and romantic text message from someone, and lies about it to Aiden.

Maybe text-happy Dr. Ben has found a way to get over Paula?

Kyla tells Aiden that she’s going home for the weekend to visit her mom. He says that it’s cool, but the look on his face says otherwise– probably becaues he’s a big girl and his intuition is telling him something he doesn’t want to hear. (He should read my book on denial.)

Then they share a long passionate kiss, with a close up on Aiden’s hands as they travel down to the small of Kyla’s back.

International House of Lesbianism-Ashley and Spencer are also mid-clinch. Sort of. Ashley is hovering over Spencer and tenderly pushing her hair aside, ostensibly so she can plant one on her. Only instead, Ashley just keeps… grooming her. They do this for a few seconds before Kyla mercifully bursts into the room and thereby saves us from having to watch Ashley give Spencer a facial.

Ashley completes a flawless dismount off of Spencer (I give it a 9.8) and Kyla is embarrassed that she has walked in on them, and Aiden just hovers in the doorway in a near catatonic state. He tells them, “Don’t mind me. Just go along with what you are doing.” You know, because lesbian hair styling is the new lesbian sex. Kyla leaves and yanks him out of the room with her, and the girls are finally alone again.

Ashley: He’s so pathetic. Spencer: No, he just thinks we’re hot together. And he’s right. Ashley: Do NOT encourage him.
A phone call from Spencer’s mom interrupts another non-kissing moment. As Spencer concocts a plausible lie about where she is and who she’s with, scallywag Ashley lets her fingers do the walking across Spencer’s thighs.

I think I might have to stop and smoke a cigarette. This may be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen these two do!

Spencer pushes Ashley away and gives her the “Stop trying to feel me up, I’m on the phone with my mother!” look. When Spencer hangs up, Ashley is impressed with her honey’s new bad girl ways.

Ashley: You lied?!?! I like it. Spencer: I don’t. I just feel so terrible lying to my parents. And I hate lying about us. It really hurts.

Ashley: So tell them. There’s never going to be a good time to do it. Just expect hell, because once you tell them and they know for sure, they’re probably going to want to send you to some gay detox camp. Spencer: You’re kidding, right? Ashley: I wish I were. Spencer: They have those places? God! Why does everyone care so much about who I’m in love with?

Ashley: Or who I’m in love with.

Gads! Ashley said the L Word. Speaking of The L Word, remember a similar moment at the end of season two when lothario Shane told Carmen that she loved her? And remember all the good stuff that naturally came before and after that moment?

Yeah, that doesn’t happen here. Instead, Ashley gets up and walks away as Spencer smiles.

Glen’s Room-Glen is stumbling around in his room, tearing it apart looking for his pill stash. Either he has gone full tilt junkie or someone at the MAC counter got a little ambitious when giving him smoky eyes. When he picks up his cel and makes a call, I half expect him to drone, “I want to eat your brain” into the phone.

But he doesn’t. Instead he just sets up a drug deal. Because he’d rather eat his own brain.

Hell’s Kitchen—Arthur is packing up some stuff for his trip to San Diego. Paula can’t join him, but she assures him that she will feed the children while he’s gone (after she chains them up in the basement). I don’t know who slipped who what, but these two are acting like total lovebirds. They even have to rein themselves in when Clay walks into the room.

Clay is doing a zombie walk of his own, but his is of the “I was a teenage daddy” variety. After he leaves for school, Arthur asks Paula if she thinks that Clay and Chelsea are doing alright. Paula snorts, “You’re asking me? Nobody tells me anything.”

Arthur tries to spin it like it’s not because Paula’s a raving bitch, but because “teenagers don’t confide in their parents.” Spencer passes through the room as he says this and adds, “Why should we when you can just read our journals or email?”

Paula wants to know what Spencer’s plans are for the weekend, or at least she THINKS she wants to know. I don’t think she can handle the harsh reality of all the hot and heavy girl-on-girl hair braiding that’s going on right under her nose! But Spencer tells her, “Mom, please. No blind dates, no surprise friends from back home. I just want some time alone.”

After Spencer heads out for school, Paula tells Arthur, “She makes it sound like I’m torturing her.” Arthur says, “Well maybe it feels that way.” And he should know. If anyone has felt the sting of Mother Superior’s lash, it’s her whipping boy husband.

King High—Clay is fussing over Chelsea, and when he asks how she’s doing, she snaps “Still pregnant, thanks.” This unplanned teen pregnancy does not suit the normally sunny Chelsea. Now she’s just like all those other bitchy girls at King High. But with morning sickness.

Strange and Unfamilar Surrounding—I’m a little disoriented by this setting. Is this a…classroom? Spencer and Ashley are sitting in a classroom? This is a brand new phenomenon. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen them anywhere near a teacher or a blackboard. This is totally screwing with my denial around the fact that these two are high schoolers and I’m building my pathetic adult life around their impossibly glamorous teen world. I feel a little…dirty.

Luckily, they aren’t engaged in any learning (that would be REALLY weird for me), they are talking about Spencer’s problem with the closet, and they just happen to be doing it while sitting in those odd little desks.

Spencer tells Ashley, “I want to tell my dad first. Maybe he can help me break it to Mom.”

Ashley doesn’t look so sure. It’s definitely in her best interest if Spencer just gets it over with and comes out, but Ash knows that Paula is probably going to come at her like a spider monkey when the moment arrives.

Spencer: I’ll tell him before he leaves town. God, they’re probably both going to hate me no matter what. Ashley: It’s possible, look at my mom. Spencer: I know, but you’re so worth that risk.
Bat bat go Spencer’s lashes, and Ashley suddenly has an idea.

Ashley: Okay, practice on me. I’m Paula, it’s a Sunday dinner, you see your opening and… Spencer: Mom, I have something to tell you. Ashley and I are…in love. Ashley/Paula: You guys are both gonna burn in hell. Would you pass the potatoes please?
Yes it’s hilarious, but if these two are going to engage in some role play, couldn’t they have done it a little sexier? Like playing Willow and Tara, or Shane and Carmen? Hell, at this point I’d take Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan. At least that would entail some physical contact!

Across Town In A Non-Classroom Environment–Kyla and Madison have skipped 6th period to go shopping and are traipsing about town with iced lattes in hand. I guess I’m as whipped as Aiden/Romeo, but I’ve missed Madison this season. She always brings some sizzle, and I prefer her in the foreground. And it’s nice to see her wearing something other than a cheerleading uniform.

Kyla takes a call from the mystery text guy, and it looks like it’s not Dr. Ben after all, but an age-appropriate boy she used to date back in Baltimore. Madison pretends to be window shopping but really she’s eavesdropping on their conversation. She presses Kyla for answers about the guy on the other line, and Kyla just offers it right up!

Could it be that Madison’s considerable powers of persuasion are just as effective on women as men? If that’s the case, think of where a spinoff show about her could go! Logo, are you listening?

The Quad—Sean is trying to talk Clay into going to a film festival with him over the weekend, but Clay is in the midst of a full-blown crisis and just doesn’t have time to sit through some panel about Michael Gondry‘s tired old music videos.

Glen interrupts their conversation with the big news that Paula called him and told him that she is leaving for the weekend with Arthur after all. If you were Paula, would you really call and tell this to the one kid in your house with a possible substance abuse problem?

Glen: We’re on our own, brother! Clay: So that’s good…that they’re going away together.
Glen hasn’t thought about the “my parents are saving their marriage” angle. He’s just trying to figure out where they’ll park all the cars when people show up for the party at his place.

Glen: Uh, yeah. We’ll have the house to ourselves. Party. Our place. This weekend. Sean: You look like you could use some more partying.
Now Glen wants to eat Sean’s brain. But he gives him a dirty look instead.

Clay: I’m not in the mood. Glen: What? Come on, we have the house without the ‘rents. Let’s not waste it. Clay: Actually, I’m gonna invite Chelsea over for the weekend, so do me a favor—no parties. Glen: Okay, sure.
Yeah. That’s going to happen.

Glen makes a beeline for Aiden and Madison as Kyla scurries away to her Romeo and Juliet audition. He tells them about the ‘rents, and the party, and Madison offers to attend with Aiden, and “keep an eye on you for Kyla.” Aiden looks unnerved at the suggestion. And not because he was planning to cheat on Kyla. I think he’s just scared of getting bound, gagged, and flayed by Madison. Like in the good old days.

Drama Department—Kyla is auditioning her little heart out for the role of Juliet—crying as she ominously intones, “My dismal scene I needs must act alone”. I hope she gets the part. I have a feeling she’ll soon have a lot of free time on her hands.

Ashley’s Sweet Ride— Parked outside the Carlin abode in Ashely’s convertible, Spencer is working up the courage to drop the gay bomb on Arthur.

Ashley: Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you? Spencer: No, I can do this alone.
(Which is just a high fallutin’ way of saying ” My dismal scene I needs must act alone”.)

Ashley gives her a chaste hug and Spencer heads for her house. Wouldn’t a big juicy kiss be a better incentive?

Carlin CafĂ©—Arthur is packing up yet another cooler full of food. Are they going away for a spa weekend or joining a survivalist organization?

Spencer enters the room and is ready to do the deed.

Spencer: Dad, can I talk to you about something before you leave? Arthur: Sure honey. Spencer: It’s about me and Ashley Paula: What about you and Ashley?
Paula surprises them both by walking into the room. She is all hotted up and ready to leave with Arthur, but there’s always time for a last minute interrogation session before she hits the road.

Spencer: Oh, mom. I didn’t realize you were home. Paula: Glen didn’t tell you? I got the weekend off, so I’m going to San Diego with your dad.

Spencer: That’s great. I’ll just talk to you guys later. It’s no big deal. Paula: Okay. If you’re sure…

Arthur must have already slipped Mother Superior a roofie because she calmly drops the questioning and heads out the door.

On his way out, Arthur tells Spencer, “We’ll talk when I get home. It’s gonna be okay” and kisses her goodbye.

He SO knows.

Carlin Home, Sans ‘Rents—Spencer, Ashley, Clay and Chelsea are preparing a sit-down dinner when Glen comes into the dining room. Spencer actually bars him from dining with them, so he shrugs it off and leaves to buy drugs.

Throughout the evening, Clay tries to find any opportunity he can to compliment, encourage, and generally smother Chelsea. He loves the meal she made, he wants to clean up the kitchen, he’ll go pee for her so she doesn’t have to get up. It is driving Chelsea up the wall and she is rolling her eyes at him like they’ve been married and hating each other for years. (Oh the dangers of heterosexual love.)

Abandoned Lot—Glen is scoring some drugs from a menacing looking guy in a grubby hoodie. If Glen seems like the badass (dumbass?) of the Carlin clan at home, he comes off like a Boy Scout when he’s hanging out with truly dangerous people. He even tries to explain his knee surgery and how it’s brought him here to buy drugs. But The Pusherman doesn’t care. Just as Glen says, “this will be my last round” the fuzz roll in and bust them both.

Animal House—Madison and Aiden are the first to show up for the party that Glen wasn’t supposed to have, and they’re followed by fifty or so people who look like folks Glen may have met at various abandoned lots across Los Angeles.

San Diego—Paula and Arthur are getting hot and bothered at an art gallery when Glen calls from jail. Paula revs up her turbo broom and flies back to Los Angeles with Arthur at warp speed.

LA County Lockdown—Glen, still wearing his sad clown makeup, takes the walk of shame past all the other criminals. Some scary looking dudes whistle at him, and his cell mate actually checks out his ass when the cops throw him in and lock the door behind him!

Delta House—Spencer is trying to evict the drunken teenagers who have invaded and trashed her house, and Ashley isn’t helping. She and Aiden have donned plastic cups and are using them as boxing gloves as they reenact scenes from Girlfight. Earth to Ashely—your girlfriend’s parents are out of town. You are spending the night with her. Maybe you could save the Michele Rodriguez act until after you’ve gotten laid?

Later, Aiden is doing a room check and finds Madison scouring Kyla’s MySpace profile. She makes sure that he sees that Kyla’s first love, “Rick” has sent her a ton of messages. But that’s not enough. Madison tells Aiden that Kyla had sex with Rick before she became a “born again virgin”, and has now gone back home to see him. Aiden is crushed because, for some reason, he isn’t taking into consideration the source of all of this hot gossip. Instead, he buys it and leaves with Madison.

Paula, Arthur and their convict son return home later that night, and Glen is nervous that they’re going to walk in and find the wreckage of the party he “hosted”. But he’s shocked to find the place immaculate, and the suspicious, confused look on his face is priceless.

Paula heads upstairs to survey her kingdom. She looks in on Clay and finds nothing awry, but when she opens Spencer’s door, she gets an eyeful.

Which is more than I can say for the rest of us.

I fatigued my TiVo remote trying to slow down the scene to a frame by frame shot of what exactly unfolds after Paula opens the door. It looks like Spencer and Ashley are kneeling on the bed in various states of undress, and Ashley hops up and into her clothes as Spencer pulls on a pink (naturally) robe.

Paula is freaking, yet remains lucid enough to string together a coherent sentence.

Paula: Spencer, get Ashley to leave. Ashley: I can hear you, Paula!
You’ve got to love a girl that gets walked in on by her girlfriend’s mother and still has the wherewithal to flip said mother some ‘tude as she’s scrambling to get back into her clothes. Jon Stewart would call this behavior “ballsalicious.” And I would concur.

Paula: Tell her to leave! Ashley (to Spencer): Do you want me to leave? Spencer: No! Paula: Get out of my house!
In slow motion we see Paula tearing Ashley from Spencer’s arms and dragging her out by her hair. All the while, Kyla (I guess Dame Judi Dench was busy with the new Bond movie) is intoning the famous closing lines from Romeo and Juliet, but with a modern spin.

Kyla (voiceover): Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, some punished. Never was a story of more regret than this of Juliet and her fair Juliet.
I don’t know about you, but I was hoping we’d see a little more love since we had to endure all of that hate.

If you’re like me and still feeling that you didn’t get your weekly recommended allowance of Spashley, I strongly suggest you go over to The N and watch the webisode “Alone Together.” Unlike other webisodes, which seem to require the presence of Aiden and an undercurrent of latent heterosexuality, this one is all Spashley all the time and is even a little racy!

While you’re there, watch the sneak peek scene from next week’s episode “That’s the Way the World Crumbles.” Not only will you see what happened after Paula went all Mommie Dearest on Ash, but you’ll also get a better look at what Spencer and Ashley were doing when she so rudely interrupted them.

And no, they weren’t doing each other’s hair.

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