“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.5 “That Is So Not Mom”

King High — Ashley is tying Spencer up in the girls’ bathroom!

Well, she’s tying up the laces on the weird backwards, mini-vest that Spencer is wearing.

I’m just trying to sex things up for us here, people, because these two aren’t getting very far on their own.

Our girls are, however, bold with their words. Spencer is fretting over looking like an "Ashley-wannabe" in the borrowed top, but Ash is relishing the thrill of seeing Spencer wearing her clothes.

Ashley: You look great, Spencer. I like you wearing my clothes. Maybe you’ll think about me all day.
Spencer: I already think about you all day. I tanked my history final the other day because you’re all I ever think about.

This is the part where any other TV teenagers (straight or gay and on Showtime) would start climbing all over each other as they stumbled into a bathroom stall for a quickie. Instead, Ashley just adjusts Spencer’s wacktastic vest like she’s a salesgirl at The Gap.

Chelsea emerges from a stall, and because she’s Chelsea she’s completely un-freaked out by their patter. Or maybe she’s just as surprised as me to find them NOT making out after all of that verbal foreplay. She is friendly in a cursory way, but she’s just not her usually bubbly self. She makes a quick exit as Spencer’s phone starts ringing.

Spencer: It’s my mom. She’s called me like 800 times today, telling me to come home right after school.

Ashley: Why?
Spencer: I don’t know. It’s gotta be drama.
Ashley: Maybe her alien spaceship came back and she just wants to say goodbye.

If an alien spaceship has landed at the Carlin’s, they are most definitely looking for Spencer—or at least her new hairdo.

Glen’s Apothecary Chest— Glen is popping pain pills at his locker, and Clay catches him. When he expresses concern, Glen gives him the usual lip. He tells Clay, "Doctors’ studies have proven that if you mind your own damn business it can actually decrease your heart rate."

Is it wrong that I like Glen better as an addict? Most people just think that they’re funnier, smarter and more interesting when they’re high. Glen actually is!

Clay doesn’t have time to stand around trying to come up with a snappy comeback. He’s totally stressed because he’s been called in to the Principal’s Office. For the first time. Ever. Glen is psyched to hear this and limps along behind Clay like a gimpy little puppy, barking “What? Why? What for?”

Can we get a choke chain for that thing?

Clay says that his mom is there and needs to see him, and I think we all know where this is going. Remember that Clay has two mommies, and not in that fabulously transgressive Leslea Newman kind of way.

As Clay and Fido walk into the office, Clay’s birth mother breathlessly says, “Well hello, Clay.”

The funnier, smarter and more interesting Glen says, “That is so not mom!”

The Office— Clay is understandably shocked to find his birth mother at his school. After his last meeting with her, he didn’t really expect to see her again. Or maybe he was hoping he wouldn’t because she is about 10 times more irritating than his adoptive mother (who we could call his “afterbirth mom,” if we really wanted to).

Birth mom has relocated to Los Angeles to be closer to him and she gives him all of her new contact information. She wants to be a part of his life if she’ll let him.

Clay: I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to say to all of this.
Mom: Just say you’ll call me. Soon!

Judging by her desperate tone, I think she may need a kidney.

Glen is slightly impressed that Clay has a secret from “the ‘rents” and he agrees to help keep the birth mom information from them until Clay is ready to say something about it.

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