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The AfterEllen.com Huddle: Our First Lesbian Films

Depending on what era you came out in (or are coming out in), there was likely one big lesbian film or TV show that was your first. Maybe you’ve been gay before Desert Hearts hit theaters, or you were figuring out your really intense friendship during the ’90s with All Over Me. For some young queers, Blue is the Warmest Color might be their introduction to lesbian sexuality on screen.

No matter what it was, you never forget your first. (Unless you’re Dara Nai, apparently. Nothing is sacred.)

So, group, what was the first film that you purposely sought out for some gay lady viewing?

Dana Piccoli: My first lesbian film was The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, which to this day means a tremendous amount to me. I went to an all-girls prep school and came out the summer before my senior year. My friends were incredibly supportive and made me a promise that I wouldn’t have to navigate this new world all alone. We rented a lot of movies back then, and they agreed that for every two mainstream movies we rented, we could rent a lesbian movie for me. Not that there were a ton of them, but we all did our best. I can’t tell you how much this gesture meant to me.

They really liked Two Girls, by the way. The same could not be said for the unfortunate and universally traumatic choice of Sister, My Sister, which over a decade later, they still give me shit about. I didn’t know the title was literal!

Elaine Atwell: Man, I remember the first time I saw a poster for a lesbian movie. It was Imagine Me And You and I can only assume that it ended up on the wall of the movie theater in Boone, North Carolina through an error on the part of an employee.

I remember exactly where it was placed (the wall next to the bathrooms) and I just gaped at it for minutes thinking: “Why am I staring at this? Has anyone noticed me staring at this? FOR GOD’S SAKE, STOP STARING, ATWELL.” Months later, I had pretty much the same reaction when it appeared in Blockbuster, just gliding past the DVD over and over. I didn’t know what to do with my intense feelings about this obscure British film until I realized I was gay, and then I rented it probably five minutes later and watched it ten times. And when my little sister realized she liked girls too, I rented it with her and we quoted it back and forth to each other for about the next five years. It still gives makes my heart pound to remember how sweaty my palms were the first time I took it up to the Blockbuster counter. I might as well have been renting Georgie’s Bush.

Valerie Anne: I don’t remember which movie was my first, exactly. I remember spending entire summers going to Blockbuster and waiting until it was mostly empty and sneaking into the teeny gay/lesbian section (which was close enough to the foreign films that I could pretend that’s what I was looking at if someone walked by) and picking whichever movies were the least obviously gay based on the cover/title. Actually the first one might have been D.E.B.S. – when my parents came home and found me watching it, I feigned innocence. “I thought it was just about Catholic school girl spies!” (They absolutely didn’t care either way, I was just paranoid. Obviously only lesbians watch movies with lesbians in them, right?)

What I do remember, with perfect clarity, was the time I was doing my usual sweep of the New Release walls and I stopped short in front of the shelf that was proudly displaying a dozen copies of Imagine Me and You. I had never heard of it, but there were two girls holding hands (behind the backs of their beaus) on the cover. Right out in the open! Surely it couldn’t really be a lesbian movie, displayed so boldly, and on the New Release wall of all places! Obviously I rented it. Obviously I loved it. That was when I finally started to realize that maybe the whole world didn’t think of lesbianism as this big, wrong thing, if this was a movie that was popular enough to make it to the New Release wall.

Heather Hogan: I lucked out. The first lesbian movie I saw was D.E.B.S. because one of my friends told me it was like ’66 Batman with boarding school chicks, which turns out to be 100 percent true, actually. That campy delight is still one of my favorite movies. I followed it up with Fingersmith, Saving Face, and Imagine Me and You. So you can guess how jarring it was when every other lesbian movie I watched after that was nothing but death, dismemberment, psychos, and shoddy production values. I peaked in round one. Ah, well. At least we have ABC Family now.

Jenna Lykes: Well, this topic is giving me all sorts of nostalgic feelings.

Though I’d already seen/heard some queer-related stories (Buffy, RENT, etc.), the first truly lesbian film I ever saw was But I’m a Cheerleader. I was a freshman in college, and at the beginning of one of those really intense, middle-school-style (probably unhealthy) friendships with my new roommate. She was bisexual and I wasn’t out yet, and in the middle of a marathon deep conversation session (in the dining hall, of course) she straight out asked if I was gay or bi. After I recovered from the initial shock, I came out (out loud) for the first time in my life.

That night, we watched But I’m a Cheerleader lying side-by-side on her extra long twin bed. I remember our hands were almost, but not quite, touching. I remember sort of wanting to be alone, because what the fuck was I actually watching? I remember my pulse pounding when Megan and Graham kissed behind the gay bar. I remember everything, basically. When I watch that movie now, nine years later, I’m always taken right back to that dorm room.

Grace Chu: The first lesbian film I saw was But I’m a Cheerleader. I thought it was great. But then the selection of films since then has only gone downhill.

Kim Hoffmann: I can’t be sure, but I’m almost positive the first lesbian movie I saw was Bound. I do believe it was playing on TV at some point in the mid ’90s, or maybe it was on something like pay-per-view, but damn. Hello.

What I remember even more vividly, though, is renting But I’m a Cheerleader in 1999. I was a very shy freshman in high school, and that movie was maybe the first huge wake-up call for me that I was being a weird liar about how I really felt for girls (and was in no way ready yet to come to grips with it). I was also in the midst of trying out for the cheerleading squad, so, now I’m sure all those Catholic school girls I was once friends with are like: “But, she was a cheerleader!” Indeed.

Anna Pulley: Kissing Jessica Stein turned me gay. I regret nothing.

Jill Guccini: I’m one of those losers who literally had no idea I was gay until suddenly I was kissing a girl, who is now my wife, and my brain was like, OK, well, this is happening now. One of the first things she did early in our relationship was show me All The Lesbian Movies, since I had never even heard of any of them. (Yes, including Imagine Me and You.) Just like you never forget your first Doctor, I will never forget the first movie night: But I’m a Cheerleader, which remains my favorite, because like Bertie said, it is the best.

Trish Bendix: Despite the fact that the cover of Bound entranced me each time I went to the local chain store, and I was mysteriously drawn to Clea DuVall in But I’m a Cheerleader but didn’t link it to my sexuality, the first time I remember seeking out lesbians on the TV was when my first girlfriend and I were at the Blockbuster by my apartment. We passed by the first season of The L Word on DVD and nervously joked about renting it, opting for some new release instead. We were just outside the store when one of us (I can’t remember who) admitted we really wished we’d rented The L Word. The other one of us expressed the same want, so we immediately went inside, exchanged the one we’d rented for Disc 1 and told the clerk we’d accidentally grabbed the wrong one. We watched the whole season in two days time.

Dara Nai: I honestly can not remember my first lesbian film, but I’m sure I was dragged to it by my friend, Ellen, whom I met in a gay bar when we were all just puppies. She was our guide to the lesbian universe. She read The Advocate and GO magazine. She planned our Pride schedule and was the first to pick up on the subtext on Xena. I didn’t have to do anything because if it was out there, Ellen would tell me about it.

One day, she told me about a website called AfterEllen.com. I checked it out and read that they were looking for writers for something called “Fake Gay News.” I submitted a ridiculous article about U-Haul, and received an offer to write for them from someone who would turn out to be Karman Kregloe. First lesbian film? No idea, but I’m sure I was with Ellen, and even if the film sucked (which is likely) we had a blast.

Bridget McManus: I remember when I was 20 my college girlfriend and I rented Go Fish. We sat on my tiny couch in my apartment in New Jersey and we couldn’t figure out what was going on. We ended up shutting it off half way through so I still don’t know how it ends.

Chloe: The Runaways in college. I was already freaking out about being gay aka thinking, “I’m gay,” “No, you’re not you just aren’t attracted to any dudes who like you.” “No but i want to kiss that girl.” “You’re just drunk and/or insane. No.” and then I watched The Runaways. Then I bought The Runaways and watched it A LOT. While crying because being gay did not fit into my typed up life plan. Joan Jett/Kristen Stewart is still my type, which explains why my love life does not go smoothly.

Ali Davis: I think my first attempt at renting some lesbianism was a compilation of k.d. lang videos. NO BIG DEAL, JUST INTERESTED IN THE MUSIC.

…but unfortunately that pointed me straight at freaking Salmonberries for my first attempt at finding a video with lesbians and a plot, UM, I MEAN JUST A VIDEO WITH SOME MORE K.D. LANG IN IT. NO REASON. JUST A FAN OF THE SINGING. While I remain a fan of k.d., it’s not a starting point I’d recommend.

The third time was the charm, proving that boldly marching into the big gay video store in the big gay neighborhood is its own reward, even if I did worry about the clerk knowing I might like girls when I brought my selection up. I finally hit on Desert Hearts, which was exactly what I was looking for in so many ways that my head nearly exploded. It’s not a perfect movie, but it hits pretty great several times, and I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for it.

And not worrying so much about what the clerk thought when I went back to turn it in was pretty great too.

Karman Kregloe: My family did not subscribe to HBO, so I mostly listened to Desert Hearts on the scrambled cable channel when I was in high school. I usually stayed up late every night watching music videos in my man cave prototype (a room in our basement) and accidentally stumbled across what sounded, and sort of looked like, a sex scene on the fuzzy screen. Intrigued, I soon discovered it was a sex scene between two women. I freaked out, then adjusted every dial and antenna (remember those?) to get a clearer picture. It didn’t work, but the message was received and my mind was effectively blown.

Lucy Hallowell: I am also having a hard time remembering which movie was the first. But I can still smell the stale popcorn they had for customers at Video Stop in our tiny college town. I used to walk through all the movies and try to avoid the gay section but my feet had a way of bringing me back over and over. It took a long time before I summoned the courage to take one of the movies off the shelf and longer before I could carry one around the store.

I can’t recall which title I finally chose to be the first one I plopped on the counter and paid to rent out of the money I made checking IDs at the gym. If I had to guess, I would say Better Than Chocolate. (The viewing experience was better than labor. I’m kidding, labor was less painful.) It was longer still before I finally broke myself of the habit of watching movies with a wall blocking my emotions in case anyone might catch my blushing, or paying too much attention. That was a long time ago, in a sleepy little town far away, but just thinking about it makes me heart ache a little.

Marcie Bianco: My first lesbian movie was Better Than Chocolate, and I was forced to watch it as a kind of gentle intervention, as I was not “out,” not because I was in denial but simply because being lesbian never entered my consciousness. That said, my lesbianness entered the consciousness of all my friends around me, including those of my friends Betsey and Justin. These two friends-a straight couple-had me over for dinner and then “suggested” we watch this “fantastic” Canadian movie (called Better Than Chocolate). As soon as my friend Betsey popped in the dvd she hurried into her office to do work and I was stuck with her boyfriend, who I consider to be an honorary lesbian, watching this film. No, the viewing did not lead to an automatic revelation.

What was your first?

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