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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.4 “Rules of Engagement”

Festering Yet Festive Vat of Germs (aka A Pool Party) – Aiden is prancing around shirtless again. I guess it’s to be expected at a pool party, but still, I thought he was getting professional help for that.

All teen female personnel have been summoned poolside to jiggle about wildly in their bikinis. Across the lawn Arthur and Paula are playing badminton. He gently taps the birdie over the net, and she spikes it back at his face at top speed in a match that is less a game than a metaphor for their entire relationship.

Glen is splashing around like an idiot in the shallow (naturally) end of the pool. He completes an ill-advised dive and splashes water all over Chelsea, just to remind all of us at home how lucky we are not to have to hang out with the Glens of the world anymore.

Poolside, Ashley innocuously applies lotion to Spencer’s back. Well, innocuous to anyone but a paranoid little creep who’s been knocking back pain pills with his lemonade all day. Glen tells Ashley, “Just keep your hands inside the rails. This is a family day, not Homo Happy Hour.”

I loathe him.

Arthur tries to convince Glen to fire up the grill with him but Glen declines, as it would involve getting up off his ass and being useful. Actually, the excuse he gives is, “A guy’s got to watch to make sure things don’t get all NC-17.”

Paula: (terror-stricken) What does that mean? Glen: (looking over at Ashley and Spencer) Well these girls are-
Aiden jumps in and changes the subject, and even throws Glen back into the pool for good measure. It shuts Glen up, but only temporarily.

Paula chats with Clay and Chelsea, then gloats, “I love seeing them together. Now that is a real relationship,” deftly making a dig at three different people (Arthur, Spencer, Ashley) with one well-chosen zinger. She’s a pro.

Kyla overhears, and is compassionate despite the fact that Ashley torments her non-stop.

Kyla: It must suck to be Ashley and Spencer. Aiden: What do you mean? Kyla: They have to sneak around while Clay and Chelsea can just be. Aiden: I didn’t know you cared so much about your sister. Kyla: Love is hard enough in a perfect world. It must be so painful for them in theirs.
Spencer and Ashley are doing a good job of keeping their hands off of each other, but Paula still stares menacingly over her glasses at them. A seasoned expert at outfoxing concerned mothers of queer daughters throughout the Greater Los Angeles Area, Ashley is amused and tells Spencer, “If your mom keeps looking at me that way I’m going to start thinking she wants to date me too.” (Which really wouldn’t be so bad because aside from her tedious self-righteous morality, Paula is a total MILF.)

Glen has no sense of humor, but–like a dog–he does seem to posses a keen sense of hearing. He interrupts them with a blustery (not to mention obvious), “Mom doesn’t swing that way!” Ashley snaps back with, “Get a life, ass-eyes” and takes leave of the boring and relentlessly hetero party.

With Ashley out of the picture, Glen turns on Spencer.

Glen: She just makes me feel all funny inside. You? Spencer: What’s your problem? Glen: I’m not the one with the problem. Spencer: You know what Glen, you are really starting to piss me off. Glen: Maybe this is a conversation we should have with (loudly) MOM AND DAD. Spencer: Yeah and maybe we should talk to them about all the pills you’re taking.
They agree to an uneasy “truce” that Glen is certain to break.

Another Day of No Classes, Assignments or Assemblies at King High It’s Club Day at KHS, and the banner exhorts students to “Come Find Your Next Obsession.” When I read it, I thought it was an ad for a new KHS dating service, but then I guess that says more about me than the folks who design the banners for Club Day.

Madison arrives and doesn’t like the lack of traffic at the cheerbitch booth. She tells the cheerleaders, “The table wouldn’t be dead if there wasn’t a corpse running it! Get moving!” and angrily tosses a pom pom in the face of her Purple-Haired Minion.

I just noticed that the Cheerleaders are called the “Snake Charmers” which undoubtedly invites all sort of nasty sophomoric innuendo. Whose idea was that?

Ashley, Spencer, Clay and Chelsea wander into the “Next Obsession” zone, and Ashley is so put off by it all. She sneers, “I’ve never understood why people have to go all joiner. Isn’t it enough to just do what you do?”

She is as contrary as a cat. And this is exactly why I came up as Ashley on the “Which SON Character Are You?” quiz. (Experience tells me that this particular attitude problem is unlikely to improve with age.)

Chelsea counters with a sunny take on it all. “I think it’s nice to feel like you belong to something bigger than yourself.” Chelsea obviously scored as Abraham Lincoln on the “Which Famous World Leader Are You?” quiz. (I was JFK. Looks like things won’t end well for either of us.)

Ashley: Right. Like the math-letes have to feel like some small cog in a larger geek machine? Please. Clay: It looks good on a college resume. Ashley: You belong to the math club don’t you? Spencer: He’s the Vice President.
Spencer has finally joined the conversation after floating around the tables in a silent, trance-like state. You’d think she was solemnly walking a labyrinth and not cruising for a new after-school activity.

Clay and Chelsea exit to get their “logarithm on” (SON previews indicate that this will have some pretty serious consequences), while Spencer and Ashley continue to walk the KHS social gauntlet.

Ash suddenly grabs Spencer’s arm and barks, “Spencer, stay away!” when she spies the Gay-Straight America table. (The “straight” contingency must have designed the poster, because it is decidedly un-fabulous.)

Ashley gets the hell out of there, snottily telling Spencer that if she needs her, she will find her “loser-adjacent.” I think Ashley has a bit of a Daffyd-complex—but with way cuter outfits.

Spooked, Spencer dutifully steers away from the Homo Club booth but casts a longing gaze at its shoddy, salmon-colored poster that just may signal her New Life.

Smelly Gym — Aiden pounds a punching bag (while wearing a shirt!) and is soon approached by a sporty blonde who looks like Denise Richards’s butch younger sister.

Denise Richards Jr.: That all you got pretty boy? Aiden: Tough talk for a chick. Denise Richards Jr.: Alright, not bad, not bad. How long have you been working out here? Aiden: Just a couple of months. Denise Richards Jr.: I’m surprised I missed you.
He feels confusing pangs of fidelity to Kyla and begs off from the sweaty pillow talk. And it’s a good thing because Kyla has her eye on him. She tries to hustle him out of the gym, and Aiden wants to skip out of dorktastic Club Day and head for the beach. But Kyla is eager to attend, telling him, “I need to meet people outside of this little dysfunctional group that I’ve been thrown into—except for you, I mean.”

The Snake Charmer Pit — Madison and her Purple-Haired Minion are discussing routines and landings and other stuff we wouldn’t care about even if we actually attended King High. PHM is getting sassy with Madison, whose life-sucking grip on the World of Cheer is slipping thanks to her new role as working and (defrauding) stiff at Gray.

Glen arrives for his daily dose of humiliation from Madison, which mixes well with his daily doses of OxyC.

Madison: You want to join us? PHM: Yeah, we could use some boys.
This would be a perfect activity for Glen now that basketball is probably out of the picture. In fact, one of his heroes was a cheerleader. But he declines.

Glen: No thanks. I think I’m going to go find something a man can do. Madison: Oh but what if you can’t do it? PHM: Right! How embarrassing that must be.
After having successfully chased Glen away with references to humiliating (and now well-publicized) side-effects from his medication, Madison is bored. So she and her PHM spontaneously perform a sleazy, t.A.T.u.-ish cheer routine designed to draw a crowd to their deserted booth. And it actually works.

Across campus, Kyla and Aiden are still dancing around the sex/no-sex dilemma. Every conversation they have is really an exchange of euphemisms that refer to their sexual standoff.

Aiden: Next time you come to the gym, you should work out with me. Kyla: Well it looks like you already have someone filling in that spot. Plus kickboxing’s not really my thing. Aiden: Well what’s your “thing”? Kyla: What, I can only have one?
See what I mean?

Kyla ends the volley when she squeals, without any irony, “Oh my God!!! There’s the drama club!!!”

She’s off to be recruited by her fellow geeks (trust me, I was in the drama club, I know) and Aiden is left wondering how he has picked yet another unavailable girl (trust me, I – oh never mind).

Club Day Epicenter — Sean is alone at the Filmmaker Club table–or at least that’s what I think it is. On display is some unfortunate poster art that looks more like an advertisement for Serial Killer Enthusiasts than anything cinematic. Because he has no one to whom he can pitch the study of Werner Herzog, he focuses on deconstructing Spencer as she wanders by.

Sean tells her, “You should make up your mind. You’ve been to every table in the quad except the one that you’ve been stalking.” Spencer is surprised that Sean can so easliy see through her. I’m surprised that a straight guy is encouraging a cute girl to be a lesbian.

Glen is collecting some literature at the Cannon Fodder Club table. Unlike Duke University, they’re so desperate to have him that they won’t even care about his mangled ACL.

Kyla breathlessly rushes over to Aiden to cancel their date so she can audition for a “femme fatale” role in an independent film. (I need to tell my actor friends that they should dump their talent agents and head over to KHS Club Day if they want fast results!) If Aiden really cared about her, he would tell her to keep their date. Kyla is pure “girl next door” and should leave the vamping to Ashley.

Queers “R” Us Booth — A pretty boy in a tight lavender (!) t-shirt tells Spencer that Gay-Straight America is “all about bringing gay and straight students together” (though I suspect she had already figured that out). He also tells her that it’s about “letting people be who they are no matter who it is.”

Spencer seems to take some comfort in this utopian vision, but that beautiful moment is shattered when a menacing no-neck (no, not Henry Rollins — he’s on our side) approaches the table and picks a fight.

It’s the standard “don’t look at me” crap that only ugly homophobic straight guys say. After a futile attempt to diffuse the situation, the sassy little queen can’t help but mouth off to the thug. “You’re not my type” are the last words he utters before getting a fist in the face.

Unfortunately, Spencer gets an elbow in the face, and she goes down hard. It’s going to be a whopper of a bruise, but it’s obviously not life-threatening. So it’s kind of weird when Ashley and Clay swoop in to pull the marginally-injured Spencer to safety while others stand around and aimlessly watch the gay guy get stomped into the pavement.

Our Lady of Perpetual Judgment Catholic Hospital — Paula guides a bandaged Spencer out to the lobby where her brothers and Ashley are waiting. She has a black eye and possibly a concussion, which means it’s probably a good time for Ashley to get Spencer to agree to anything that she wouldn’t normally sign off on. (To be clear, I have no idea what that might be or what their safeword is.)

Spencer can’t believe that something like this could happen (Welcome to Gaydom!). Ashley is disgusted, and yet somewhat blase. You’d think she lobbed the first bottle at Stonewall or something.

Ashley: Stupid guys and their stupid testosterone. Spencer: This wasn’t some random guy fight! Why are people so horrible?
As if to validate Spencer’s whole “people are horrible” fear, Glen spews his clueless vitriol all over Ashley. He snarls, “This is your fault. If you weren’t that way my sister never would have gotten hurt.”

He is so stupid. Ashley was far away, being a non-joiner, and nowhere in the vicinity of the fight. He might as well blame Lance Bass.

Ashley: You must be high! Glen: Somebody has to man-up around here and do something!
Glen is The Decider!

He grabs Spencer and starts to drag her out of the room. Clay steps in and tries to calm Glen down, which has just the effect you would imagine. But worse.

Glen: You’re such an idiot for being okay with this! Clay: She’s our sister! You act like she’s deliberately out to hurt us. Glen: She’s not OUR sister, okay? She’s MY sister.
Everyone has their line, and Glen just careened over Clay’s. Clay proceeds to kick Glen’s ass (finally, some one has “manned up” to do this) until Paula comes in and breaks them up.

Carlin Court House — Arthur is giving the nice-guy-dad-who-has-just-about-had-it speech to the three Carlin siblings. They’re lined up on the sofa brooding, and no one is spilling the beans.

Except for Old Ass Eyes.

Glen: I can tell you exactly whose fault all this is — Spencer: (pointedly) Owwww. My head hurts. Can I have some of Glen’s pain killers?
Paula won’t let Spencer become a junkie and a lesbian all in the same semester, so she puts the kibosh on anything more psychedelic than Tylenol.

The Carlin kids’ code of silence gets them sent to their room and grounded from TV, cel phones and computers (plus pre-marital sex—gay or straight—and excessive use of narcotics).

And Paula is all atwitter because some of her own bigotry has ricocheted back at her and her family. She tells Arthur, “I talked to the school and they are calling this a hate crime. Spencer was a part of that! I had to bandage up MY daughter today because she got caught in the middle of something crazy that Ashley drove her into.”

Yes, the police file on this particular gay-bashing will definitely contain a mug shot of Ashley–looking impossibly glamorous despite the blood and brain matter caked onto her knuckles.

Arthur defends Spencer’s right to her own life, and his devoted wife snorts, “Save the social worker crap for someone who’s buying it.” No wonder he’s always drunk.

King High School Parking Lot — Madison spies Kyla moping around and presses her for information. The normally level-headed Kyla opens up to Madison about her big sex dilemma with Aiden. Madison “helps” with some good old fashioned fear mongering, telling Kyla that if she won’t take care of Aiden’s “needs” then someone else surely will.

Kyla buys into it and beats feet to Aiden’s gym, where he is busy flirting with Denise Richards Jr. Kyla tries to un-break their date and Aiden gently blows her off.

KHS Lockers — Ashley surprises Spencer with a teddy bear and much to Spencer’s delight carries her books for her. These gallant little gestures make Spencer all flirty and girly, and for the first time this week they look like a couple!

But they haven’t ridden that wave for more than a few footsteps when they encounter a major buzz-kill. The gay guy who was attacked calls out to Spencer, and let’s just say that his wounds required more than a dainty little butterfly bandage on the forehead.

He’s propped up on a crutch, his arm in a cast and his face purple and swollen. Yet he’s in surprisingly good spirits, and eager to capitalize on the incident as a wake-up call for the school. He invites Spencer to a “strategy meeting,” but Ashley jumps in and questions his motives.

Ashley: Strategy for what? Injured Gay Guy: For moving forward! This whole thing upped our visibility by 100%. You’ve gotta come. You’re one of the victims. This will be a great opportunity.
I’ve heard the old saying that there’s “no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary” but considering the fact that this incident nearly instigated his own obituary, he is a tad overzealous.

Ashley is livid, telling him, “Are you kidding? My girlfriend has a concussion and now you want her to be your spokesmodel? This is your fault that she’s hurt at all, so why don’t you just leave us alone. Go on with your little strategy party, but just stay out of our faces.”

Still in high school, but already engaged in grassroots community-building!

Now, Spencer is pissed. She tells Ashley, “What is wrong with you? You sound just like that guy who beat him up. And Glen. I don’t even know what to say to you.”

Spencer stomps away more enlightened than ever.

King High Parking Lot — Kyla watches helplessly as Denise Richards Jr. pick ups Aiden at school. Madison cozies up to her like a concerned friend who wants to help. She does that by sharing her considerable expertise on the subject of Aiden. She seems genuine, but the fact that she then offers to treat Kyla to some retail therapy with stolen money undermines the gesture.

Café Carlin — Arthur is in the kitchen, once again blathering on about his own culinary prowess, while Glen mindlessly plays video games in the other room. I’m just glad that I don’t have to live with these guys.

Paula whips through the door in a funnel cloud of negativity, barking “Did you see the paper today?”

Arthur answers back with a disinterested “No,” then continues on with his “Børk! Børk! Børk!” Swedish Chef routine. Arthur’s version is in French, but no less annoying.

Paula says she’s glad that Spencer’s name wasn’t in the paper, and Arthur ignores her and asks about the crossword puzzle. They somehow avoid a smackdown and end up comforting one another. For now.

Chelsea’s Art Studio — Spencer is hanging out with the one person in her group of friends with any damn sense, and they are rapping about oppression.

Chelsea: Don’t get me wrong, I love having you here. But who are you hiding from? Spencer: Everybody. I’ve just been a little overwhelmed lately. I don’t see why everyone is so freaked out. It’s not like we’re hurting anybody. Chelsea: It’s just ignorance. People are afraid of difference. Believe me, I get it too. Half the world doesn’t know I exist because I’m black, the other half want to give me special treatment because I’m black and the rest are terrified of me because—gasp—I’m black! Spencer: People can be so awful! Chelsea: It’s just fear. You’ve got to live your own life. Don’t worry about people calling you names. Spencer: Like “queer” or “dyke.” Chelsea: Or “nigger.” Spencer: Yeah…
I’m going to spoil the moment and dumb it down a notch by noting how funny is it to hear Spencer say the word “dyke.” It’s like listening to your proper old grandma sing along with Peaches. Scandalous!

Carlin Home — Glen is still sitting around playing video games—which is what he’d be doing even if he weren’t injured—when Clay comes home.

After what happened between them at the hospital, they need to have a serious talk.

Glen: Why didn’t you rat me out to mom and dad? Clay: You want to deal with this right now? Ok fine. I have no idea what is going on with you. Nobody even knows you anymore. Glen: This isn’t my fault, it’s Spencer’s! Clay: Stop blaming everybody else. You’re the one who’s acting like an ass. That thing you said to me at the hospital Glen: About that — Clay: The bottom line is this: even though you apparently don’t think I’m your brother, I still know that you’re mine. And that’s why I didn’t rat you out.
Chelsea’s Studio — Ashley shows up at Chelsea’s pad with what Patti LaBelle would call a “new attitude.” She tells Spencer, “You’re upset and hurt. And I’m sorry. I know you think I was wrong, Spencer, and maybe I was. But here’s the thing: I was protecting you. And when it comes down to having the choice of being right or protecting you, I’ll be wrong every single time. Because it’s just who I am.”

It’s a good speech, and you’d think it would get Ashley some sugar. But alas, it only warrants a hand on her knee and a dreamy and possibly deliriousgaze.

Next Week — Spencer wears Ashley’s clothes, goes back to the future with a Seven of Nine hairdo, and gets an unexpected visit from an old BFF who is now just an ASS.

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