“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.23): Nice day for a Red Wedding

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer remembered that she didn’t remember most of the summer Ali went missing, due to whatever hallucinogens that really loud pharmacist adds to Adderall in Rosewood. One thing she did remember, however, was that she bashed Ali or someone who looks like Ali right in the face with a shovel, a thing that was apparently known by literally everyone in the very incestuous Hastings-DiLaurentis clan. Aria told Ezra to take a hike off the edge of the world. Hanna didn’t get the memo that Caleb’s show was cancelled. And Emily found out that Paige narced on Ali to the Rosewood PD.

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Spencer is walking through the woods in the middle of the night in a wedding gown, stopping on a dime when she hears the sound of a steel trap snapping shut and Mona Vanderwaal’s voice echoing in the night, “…today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.”

48 hours earlier:

At the Brew, the Liars download the latest crimes they’ve been complicit in committing. Spencer: Still thinks she killed Ali. Emily: Has tried and convicted Paige of treason in the courtroom of her own mind. Hanna: Is the best, no crimes committed. Aria: Fashion offenses, mostly. They’re split on whether Mrs. D can actually be A, unanimous that Paige should be dealt a swift hand of justice, and Spencer is flying solo in her worries about being a killer. The Liars are like, “Ali is alive; stop worrying about it.” And Spencer is all, “Yeah, OK, but there is a teenage girl in her grave, and due to the mask situation and the way everyone in Rosewood was wearing that one yellow shirt that summer and the train station amount of traffic that was in Ali’s backyard the night she died, I probably killed at least someone.”

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Emily has had enough of everything. She snaps that it’s time for her to go and since Spencer is her ride, it’s time for Spencer to go too.

Outside, Emily and Spencer try to flag down Jason, who flat ignores them and zooms away in his car. Spencer tries to chase after him; she doesn’t want him to get to the end of the only road in Rosewood and hit the Out of Town portal without giving her some answers — but her car won’t start because someone has jammed the ignition with a roll of film: a faceless blonde girl and a note talking about, “Nice job killing me, jerk.”

The next morning, Ella’s voice rings calm and true like a messenger of the Lord, over the phone with Aria. She’s slightly concerned that a visit to a potential college resulted in her and Byron financing a bender for Aria and a grifter with a guitar. She’s pretty sure it has something to do with Ezra because of how everything in Aria’s life for the last two years has had something to do with Ezra (you said a mouthful, there, lady), but Aria refuses to talk about it on the phone. Ella says that’s OK because the calling is coming from inside the house! Ella! Welcome home from Donut Castle! We almost died without you!

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Oh, man! And Ashley Marin is back too! Merry Christmas! God bless us, everyone! She’s prepping for the bridal fashion show Mrs. D is throwing to raise money for homeless parrots, which reminds Hanna: “Do you ever wonder why Mrs. D hired you, fresh out of prison? Like, do you think it was her idea or did she consult with the ghost of her dead daughter?” Ashley rolls her eyes and tells Hanna not to spill her Cheerios all over the wedding magazines.

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