Previously on The Fosters, Lena wanted to make a baby, Stef wanted to make Lena happy, and Timothy wanted to fertilize the world with his magical Rhodes Scholar sperm. Brandon made all the bad decisions. Jesus told Lexi he would wait for her and then met Emma who is cute and not in Honduras so he tried to break up with Lexi. But she came through the immigration vanishing cabinet Malfoy fixed up for her and arrived in the lesbian kitchen in time to mess with Jesus before breaking up with him. Mariana had a sorta date with not gay Zac and they kissed and then he told her he didn’t have time for dating. Stef and Lena found Callie and Jude’s father and Callie claimed she wanted nothing to do with him but then showed up on his front step while Stef and Lena got after it on the living room couch.
Donald Jacob invites Callie to come in but she wants to know what he plans to tell Jude about why he didn’t call or write or even let them know he was out of prison. He needed time to get a job and a place to live and do all the things necessary to get his kids back. It will confuse Jude if he says those things, Callie tells him. Callie, you can hide behind your brother as much as you want but we see what you’re doing.
Callie walks in with Stef and Lena asks how group went. Callie skipped it but says she sat in the lobby and did her homework. They remind her that group is part of her probation and she says she’ll make it up. Callie nearly knocks Stef and Lena over with hugs before running off for her dinner. The most shocking thing in the house is not Jesus and Lexi having sex, Mariana playing Oprah with her undies (“You get a panty! And you get a panty!”), or Brandon breaking one hundred laws, it’s Callie giving a hug. Both are flabbergasted, and look nothing like people who just got busy on a couch. Lena can’t believe Callie doesn’t want to process all of her feelings. Stef reminds her that some folks need a little more time.
Jesus is rummaging around in Brandon’s room like Paige McCullers on a mission for a coconut cupcake. Mariana barges in and take umbrage at the suggestion that Jesus is taking over Brandon’s room. Stef’s ears are attuned to the sounds of teens bickering and breaks it up by saying Brandon’s room will remain a museum, she ordered the velvet ropes that morning, and no one will touch a thing until the prodigal douche bag comes home.
Downstairs, Callie is picking at a mountain of green beans when Jude pops by and says, “Can I have those?” Callie slides the plate of nutrition his way and asks what Jude wants their father to say when they meet. Jude says he just wants a chance to say goodbye. Callie tries out several scripts she has prepared to slip her dad to memorize. She asks what Jude will say if Donald won’t sign away his rights. Jude says, “Well, he is our dad, right? Callie, you better get processing because there are feelings just falling out of your ears.
Over at Mike’s house, Brandon is wearing some Care Bears on his shirt and telling Dani he will pay her back. She waves off his money, all she wants it for him to say yes when she comes to him and asks for a favor. Right now that favor is playing the piano while his eggs get cold. Dear god, she’s a monster. Mike wanders in and demands to know if Dani imperiused his son into playing. “Oh that,” she says. “Some call it bribery, parents call it positive reinforcement.” Mike says she was right about all that upheaval at the lesbian pancake palace taking a toll of Brandon and tells her that Brandon shouldn’t have to share Mike at all. Sorry, evil Dani, your plan has backfired!
At school Mariana is getting texts from Zac that he is home sick with embarrassment after his mom screamed at him in the parking lot. Mr. Helpful Brandon walks up and she says she got kissed and dumped in one afternoon. He asks if she slipped this guy her undies, too and they reminisce about the good old days when Brandon lived at home and appropriately teased his siblings rather than going all Felonious Monk on San Diego. She asks if he’s moving back and she says yes, but only after he stops being on “lockdown” for taking the money from Mike. Oh dude, with the crimes you have committed you’ll be lucky if that’s your only lockdown.
Inside, Jesus is trying to copy an entire textbook’s worth of material off the board and freaking out about his impending test to Emma. She makes a crack about how having sex with Lexi surely cuts into the study time but he tells her that Lexi went back home after they broke up. He asks Emma to explain math to him but she has no time for him now.
Outside Jesus wants Mariana to help him convince the moms to let him have Brandon’s room so he can “study” with Emma in there. They barter while he steals some kid’s lunch and settle on two months of chores. Zac’s mom shows up and Jesus skedaddles leaving Mariana alone with Carol Hudson-Hummel. Zac’s not really sick, he just needs a little cheering up, you know the panties in the pocket kind. And you thought your mom was inappropriate.
Inside Lena’s office Timothy is telling the moms that he just had his annual sperm donation physical and his junk is in tip-top shape. Stef wants to know why the hell Timothy wants to do this, mostly so she can decide if she does because this is one of the stupidest ideas anyone has had and that’s saying something. Oh it’s because they are such lovely people and the perfect parents. Barf. They ask him to sign a contract saying that they are the parents and he’s the English teacher and nothing more. Also maybe don’t mention it to our other 47 kids during class, mmmkay? Lena asks, so are we really doing this? Stef croaks out a “Yes.” Did you know that baby fever can destroy your ability to pick up social cues? Well, if Lena is a case study, it obviously can destroy all empathetic sense entirely.
Stef runs into Mariana who is impressed that Stef is upping her romance game with a little midday delight. Stef bristles at the notion that there’s anything wrong with her game. Just ask the couch. Mariana asks if she can eat at Zac’s house and Stef says they are having a family dinner, including Brandon to check in, see who has broken the law recently and break down just how a couple of ladies go about making a baby with the hockey-haired English teacher. Mariana says, “Well Brando is grounded for witness tampering, or was it theft, or maybe making fake IDs, or maybe accessory to BEAUTIFUL KINDLE theft.” Anywhoodle, you might want to check in with Mikey.
“Game? My game broke the couch, young lady.”
Over at the Peach Pit, Callie is grabbing a malt and a burger and waiting to ambush Daphne. Callie pleads for forgiveness and Daphne eventually relents because they both come from the land of misfit toys. Callie blurts out that she saw her dad. Some people just need some greasy food to get the processing going.
Meanwhile, Stef is at Mike’s working out her control issues over the Spermothy by yelling at Mike. He says Brandon is totally on the right track after admitting to the smallest of his crimes. Admitting one lie to cover the others is a classic Neal Caffrey maneuver. She reminds him that she has legal custody and must be consulted on every parenting decision. “Hiya Stef, we’re having eggs for breakfast, is that OK with you?” Dani slithers over and says, “You know, maybe he should just go now so I can move in.” Mike says he won’t be manipulated by Stef any more. Dani agrees because she’s an obsequious little toad.