“Two and a Half Men” recap (11.16): Beezies Be Cheatin’

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Afternoon muff ticklers. It’s time for another installment of Two And A Half Men, and I am so excited. Giddy really. Let’s begin.

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The episode opens in a dining room, where Alan, pretending to be “Jeff Strongman,” is dining with Lindsay and her fiance. Alan jokes about banging Lindsay, which is awkward because he is. I’m really over this dynamic. Lindsay’s fiance asks Alan/Jeff to be his best man, and Lindsay winces. The real love story here is between Alan and Lindsay’s fiance. I can’t remember his name for the life of me. Credits role and we back to Malibu, where Walden is wearing his thought reading device. Yes, Ashton Kutcher supposedly invented a device that reads thoughts. Ashton Kutcher totally thinks he’s a secret tech genius, but really he’s just a famous dude with Twitter. Walden talks to Berta with the thought reader. Berta, as always, is nonplussed. Alan enters and says “Guess who Larry asked to be his best man?” LARRY that’s Lindsay’s fiance’s name. Larry. Stupid name.

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Walden clarifies the situation. Lindsay rings the doorbell and is pissed. Alan is genuinely attached to poor Larry, but mean cheating Lindsay shuts shit down like “if you have to feign death DO IT.” Alan expects Lindsay to come back for makeup sex. Lindsay does not. Cut to Walden lurking in a garage with Dale from Greek. I met him once. He looked the same. Dale and Walden play fuck, marry, kill with tech heroes. Hot girl comes in. Dale jokes about banging Mila Kunis and Walden is like “not going to happen, Barry.” This is important for 2 reasons: 1. Ashton Kutcher is dating Mila Kunis IRL and 2. I learned that Dale from Greek’s name is Barry. WHY THE HELL would CBS name two peripheral characters on TAHM Larry and Barry? Like how old is that writer’s room? So confusing. Hot girl that Walden’s dating tries to leave because she has a “thing.” She makes another joke about Mila Kunis. Don’t push the joke, it wasn’t that good the first time.

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Alan swings by Larry’s Bachelor pad. Alan tries to get out of his Best Man duties. Larry sweetly insists that Jeff is ideal for the job. Hot middle-aged woman walks in: It’s Gretchen, Larry’s sister. She’s new in town! I smell a love interest for Walden. Gretchen is disposing of her dog’s poop. Gretchen has a sweet rack. Ugh I’m starting to sound like them. Help meeeeeeeeeee. Gretchen is a vet who runs a shelter. Alan makes flirtatious whimpering noises.

Back in the garage, Walden enters looking dapper in a sweet blue bow tie. Walden is looking for Nicole! Barry tells Walden that Nicole blew him off. Now we know her name. They go looking for Nicole. They find Nicole at a restaurant, then sit outside staring in creepily.

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Walden returns home to Jenny, finally, thank you sweet Jesus Mary and Joseph. Can you tell I was raised Catholic? Jenny lounges on the couch in sexy glasses and a tacky red and black HORIZONTALLY striped henley like a goddamn middle schooler. Ugh. Vile.

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Jenny: I’m filling out an application

Walden: A job application?

Jenny: No, an application for a medical marijuana card!

A far superior application, and fairly quick!

Jenny: My condition? Stress… Brought on by lack of marijuana.

Truth though. Walden confides that he’s afraid Nicole is cheating on him because Nicole blew him off to have dinner with another guy.

Jenny: Bitch be cheating.

True, boo. Jenny, like me, is naturally helpful. Alan enters in yellow, telling Walden and Jenny about Gretchen. Now that Alan’s dating Larry’s sister, he has to take on the Jeff Strongman persona full time. Alan leaves and Jenny lectures Walden about being way too clingy.

Jenny: We have a term for you in the lesbian community. It’s lesbian.

Burnnnnnnnn. The day ends. Another day arrives. Walden goes to the tech garage. Nicole walks in and Alan confronts her. Nicole says the guy from dinner last night was from Google. Google offered Nicole a gig in San Francisco to develop her technology. Alan doesn’t want to go, he wants to do it himself. Walden doesn’t want to work for Google, he wants to be Google. Nicole is leaving for San Francisco and was just having fun with Walden. Walden is flummoxed.

Walden: I’m glad you’re not one of those people who thinks everyone they date is their soul mate, and that they’re going to move in together after having sex.

Barry: She’s not a lesbian.

Seriously, not all lesbians are like that. I feel like we, as lesbians, can joke about being codependent but straight dudes really can’t because what the fuck do you know, bro? Walden wishes Nicole good luck and away Nicole goes. Barry follows Nicole out.

Alan/Jeff Strongman has drinks and dinner with Gretchen. Gretchen shares Jeff’s frugality, and they both pop out Ziploc bags to take food home. Cheap twinsies! Not that I’m hating, I always take a goody bag. ALWAYS. Back in Malibu, Alan returns home to Walden. Alan is really getting into the identity swap. He’s even opened up a Jeff Stongman credit card. Walden’s doorbell rings: it’s Barry, out to change the world and work with Walden. Walden is exuberant until Barry whips out a bag and asks ‘where do I sleep?’ Looks like Walden’s getting a third freeloader. Full house!

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