“Couples Therapy” recap (4.9): Out with a Whimper

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GUYS this is the last episode of Couples Therapy and what the actual fuck? Sure, sometimes I was bored, other times I was drunk, but I never (genuinely) wanted this magnificent display of emotional growth and heavily whitened teeth to end. I’ll miss you, but not as much as Sada and Whitney will miss me. Dinah’s going to be fun, huh girls?

The final episode begins with Liz encouraging Kelsey to masturbate. Not a visual I need but OK. Kennedy, Taylor’s young daughter, visits the Couples Therapy house. White Boy John describes Kennedy as ‘a handful” and “manipulative,” which is adult for “little shit.” The three go to lunch, where Kennedy plays with her iPhone and grunts. Kennedy acts like kind of a brat and John encourages Taylor to discipline Kennedy. Kennedy is going to be one tough teenager.

Back at the Couples Therapy house Taylor and John tell Whitney about their parenting issues, then go in for a private session with Dr. John about parenting. So boring, so so boring, I hate that Couples Therapy is wasting our final minutes together on Taylor.

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Liz and Jon bring Kelsey a lovely gift: a vibrator. I’d be so creeped out to get a vibrator in front of Jon Gosselin. Kelsey said she never masturbated before, so Kelsey can now masturbate. For someone who dates Ghost, Kelsey is sexually conservative.

Dusk falls, and Farrah goes in for a private session. Dr. Jen sent Farrah on a date from online and now they’re going to watch the date together. Doesn’t that sound painful?

Farrah met Ryan at what looks like an Applebees. Ryan talks about his grandma almost dying that morning and brings a cheap cellophane wrapped rose. Dr. Jenn praises Farrah for feigning an interest in others. Ryan tells Farrah that he’s going to move back in with his mom “for like a year and then have his own spot.” Unofficial line of first date losers everywhere. I’ve so heard that before, because (and I’ve only started realizing this recently) I date losers. Ryan has a three-year-old son. Farrah does a really good job empathizing, I can tells she’s been practicing in the mirror. Ryan has the facial hair of an early 20th century villain, I’m half expecting him to nip up and pick a pocket. Ryan bitches about his baby momma partying. Ryan is wearing a gross ass scarf.

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Ryan: You know there’s bitches… You know bitches, everyone wants to fuck bitches, I’m the type of guy who doesn’t just want to fuck bitches. Even half of the girls out there are just as bad as the guys.

Ryan is an uber creep with the laugh of a child molester. Ryan talks about working as a receptionist for a sub studio of Playboy and going to the Playboy mansion for a party, which was obviously the highlight of Ryan’s miserable life.

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“What a piece of shit,” Farrah tells Dr. Jenn. “That fucking laugh… I mean that fucking laugh. So fake. That is so fake. I feel like he’s secretly laughing at me or something.” Dr. Jenn points out that Ryan was probably bringing up pornography because he wanted Farrah to talk about the sex tape. Farrah’s sick of that shit. Dr. Jenn encourages Farrah not to work so hard to please the shitty guys.

Farrah: I was trying to be such a good date that I wasn’t even really me.
Dr. Jenn: And that’s the problem.

I actually think that’s a problem many women have, including myself.

Kelsey and Ghost lie in bed and discuss their issues. It’s hard for Kelsey to move on while still living with Ghost. Ghost blames Kelsey for their relationship ending, and resents Kelsey for bringing him into therapy.

Kelsey: Do not tell me that if we had stayed at home, you would have told me about Latrice. You wouldn’t have fucking told me about her.

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Ghost: You should have given me some more time… I ain’t mad at you though. I forgive you though.

Ghostface Killah is a delusional, whiny baby man. Kelsey’s eyes narrow. Ghost is never going to hold himself accountable, and Kelsey has finalized realized that. She tosses something at Ghost and storms out. Love that Kelsey throw shit. Kelsey and Ghost have a formal exit session with Dr. Jenn. Dr. Jenn encourages them not to talk to each other for a while. A long, long while. Farewell to Kelsey and her rolled up shirts. You will be missed.

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To Sada and Whitney! I’d like to point out the VH1, like me, spells Sada with a D. I am right. Ima miss Sada’s love. Whitney and Sada kiss while looking out over a field and talk about French bread. Deep y’all. Always deep.

Jon gets a ring for Liz at strip mall. The lovebirds go to dinner.

Jon: I got you a gift.
Liz: Eating utensils?

Love Liz.

Jon: This is my promise to you that well get engaged.

So it’s not an actual engagement ring?

Jon: I hope Liz doesn’t think that this is “the ring.”

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I detest promise rings of any sort. It is really pretty and, I mean, no one gives me diamonds, so get it Liz. This experience seems to have helped Jon and Liz, and that’s lovely. It’s the gang’s last evening, and Dr. Jenn treats them to a steam boat ride/dinner/party. That sounds super fun. There’s even a string quartet! Fancy. Whitney looks super dapper in an all black suit with her hair in a chic topknot.

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Someone teach me how to do a topknot like Whitney and one of the CREEP Laurens. The gang goes around and says a cheers to their partner. Farrah says a cheers to herself. Everyone cries. I remain unmoved. The end.

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