“The Fosters” recap (1.18): “Love Seat”

Previously on The Fosters, Mariana’s panties were the talk of the school. Jesus had an energy exchange with Emma on the wrestling mat and some kissing on a bench. Brandon teamed up with Karofsky to make fake IDs for every Vivian Darkbloom in San Diego. Callie tried to help her friends find permanent homes while Vico tried to find permanent homes for some BEAUTIFUL KINDLES. Stef and Lena threw the worst dinner party since, well, a few months ago. Martha Stewarts they are not. Lena decided she wanted to make hair model babies with Rhodes Scholar Timothy and figured if her wife was the last to know that was a-okay.

Callie is sitting at her desk staring at her computer and contemplating how hard she’d like to kick Brandon in the nads for lying to her when Lena sweeps into the room looking like a goddess. She wants to know if Callie has made a list of people who were at the photo shoot. Callie hands over the paper and says there were other people at the photoshoot and we all scream at the TV “LIKE BRANDON.” Lena tells Callie that if Daphne didn’t take the BEAUTIFUL KINDLES she has nothing to worry about. Yes, Lena let’s all pretend unicorns are real and that everyone, especially women of color, gets a fair shake in the criminal justice system.

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In the next room Jesus is composing a break-up email to Lexi that goes a little like “Yesterday it took nearly three minutes to toast my bagel and now I realize waiting is really hard. Let’s break-up. PS It has absolutely nothing to do with my super cute teammate who I snogged after practice.” He presses send and then waltzes downstairs to find Lexi sitting at the kitchen table. Looks like someone passed her apparition test. The moms say there will be no closed doors in the house and Lexi is staying in Mariana’s room so there’s no “funny business.” Jude’s like “guys I know what that is, even if you haven’t done it since the wedding.” Jesus deletes his break-up email off of Lexi’s phone before they all head to school where Emma awaits to complete the circle of awkwardness.

Over at Mike’s, Dani is cooking french toast with her bare hands. Brandon is not up for breakfast a la fingernails so Dani settles for telling him to ditch his fake ID because why stop at two moms when you can have three? He bolts as Mike stumbles into the kitchen. Dani is all chipper and full of parenting tips she learned from the Tanners. She doesn’t want Brandon coming home to an empty place since he might get in trouble. Mike laughs and says “other than that business of trying to get in Callie’s pants, my boy has never been in trouble.” Unless you count the recent smorgasbord of felonious behavior. Dani offers to move in but Mike knows this is a red flag. Holy crap, this one is gay too!

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At school, Jesus tries to talk to Emma about how he failed to break up with Lexi because she popped out of his bowl of cornflakes. Emma smiles and says she remembers Lexi from that time she crashed “Jesus time.” Lexi says she’s game to watch Jesus ride the pine at the wrestling match and that sounds like so much fun Emma smashes her finger in the locker door and needs Jesus to take her to the nurse. He picks her up and cradles her tenderly in his arms. Lexi asks Mariana if she should be worried that Jesus likes the hot, funny, athletic girl. Mariana, super sleuth that she is, says nope, I have been keeping an eye on Emma and there’s nothing going on there, just like there was nothing going on with Jesus and Lexi at the quinceanera.  Mariana needs to read some crime novels with Hanna Marin.

Mariana  introduces Lexi to Zach. Lexi calls her out for flirting with Zach. Mariana admits she never thought of Zach that way because, like everyone watching this show, she assumed he was gay. Lexi is as enthusiastic about Mariana boning Zach as Lena is about Timothy being a Rhodes Scholar. She is also enthusiastic about having some sex with Jesus. Ugh, not the sort of thing his twin sister wants to hear.

Outside Brandon is just screaming at the top of his lungs at Vico for stealing the BEAUTIFUL KINDLES. He says he wants out after he gets his money. Vico tells him he’s an idiot and then leaves with a customer. Callie watches everything and should probably give Stef some tips on crime solving. She goes up to Vico and says she wants in on whatever shadiness he’s up to. He takes her picture for an ID and she tries to get more information. Fortunately, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed and doesn’t catch on to her game of twenty questions or the way her hair seems to grow to contain more and more secrets.

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Callie walks into Lena office where Stef has just popped over, in uniform, for some quality time with Lena. We call it lunch, they call it… nevermind. Jude is there too because the moms have something they want to talk about with the Jacob kids. First up is the news the product placement products are back so no need to tell Sanchez anything about anything. Next, they tell Callie and Jude that they have to find their dad so the adoption can go forward. They’re both fine with that and Jude wonders how hard it can be since Papa Jacob is in Litchfield. Callie says, nope he got out and never came looking for us but I didn’t tell you because you’re tiny and adorable and spilling Judicorn tears is barbaric. Jude storms off because, damn it! he’s always the last to know.

This is why we should go with an anonymous donor, Stef says. Lena says well maybe Timothy would sign away his rights and be anonymous and then transfer to another school so we would never have to see him around. Stef says “but honey we don’t even know if he’s interested.” Then she catches on that Lena has this plan all worked out and tells Lena to just call her when she needs a ride home from the hospital, unless she’s got that all worked out too.

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Outside on the beach, Brandon counts the money Vico gave him. Vico acts hurt that Brandon doesn’t trust him. I think Brandon just isn’t sure Vico can count to 900. Brandon repeats that he is out of this endeavor in thirty-seven different languages. Vico says, “yeah I don’t think you are since this is our next client,” and shows Brandon a picture of Callie. Brandon rushes off and gets intercepted by Jesus who has lady problems so Brandon hands him the keys to Mike’s place assuming that’s going to fix it.

Brandon finds Callie and starts yelling at her about the fake IDs and tells her not to lie to him. She rips him a new one for lying, stealing the BEAUTIFUL KINDLES, and costing her a friend. He tells her that Vico took them and then put them back because Brandon told him to. See, I’m a good guy now! Nope. She wants to know why he’s selling fake ID in the first place. He says he can’t say why he needs the money (because you know paying off a witness is not exactly legal). She says she doesn’t even know him anymore and walks away.

Mariana is trying to convince Zach to go to the wrestling match because she needs someone to help her hold up signs for her brother. It’s a wrestling match, you may have to bribe him. He says he has to go home after school and she pleads with him to stay and then go hang out with another couple in a way that is totally not a double date.  Oh Mariana, your lack of game is endearing.

Outside, a random dude is extolling the virtues of his new fake ID when Brandon walks up and says it actually won’t work and buys it back. Tell all your friends the IDs don’t work! Brandon cracks the ID in half.

Inside, Jesus is stretching before the meet and freaking out that he’s going to get his butt kicked by a 35-year-old in a tracksuit. Emma laughs and tells him he’s going to get his ass kicked by the scrawny, fast dude. He tries to apologize about Lexi and Emma says, “hold up, Foster, I’m not a girl on this mat.” But then she tells him that breaking up in person is way better than over email. Emma, I really like you and your smart mouth, but you send crazy mixed signals, kiddo.

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