“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.3 “Guess Who’s Coming Out to Dinner”


Ashley and Spencer Nightfall at the Petting Zoo An animal Petting Zoo, you perverts. Turtles, ponies, the occasional potbelly pig.

Anyway, Spencer and Ash are slipping about in the foliage with their mini-cooler of beer, hopefully avoiding goat droppings (and the resulting threat of E. Coli) on their romantic date in the wild. Spencer seems to be worried that this rendezvous is going to end up like The Descent; she is creeped out by Nature and the terrifying bleats and hoots of sheep and owls.

Or maybe she’s just pretending to be a helpless damsel. I’m sure it’s worked on her dates with boys. It’s working on this date with a girl too.

Spencer: Scared?

Ashley: That’s what makes it cool. But if you’re scared you could move a little closer.

Spencer does, and then kisses Ashley for exactly 2.5 seconds before pulling away to fret over getting caught. I wish someone would tell Spencer that the “Three Second Rule” refers to eating food that’s been dropped on the floor and not lesbian kisses.

Ashley assures her that no one else would be at the Petting Zoo at this unholy hour, but before she can begin plying Spence with liquor in earnest, the crackle of twigs signals that someone is there with them after all. I’m hoping its Lauren, finding her way home from The Amazing Race. The Petting Zoo with Ashley and Spencer is probably a “sequesterville” beyond her imagination.

But no, it’s Aiden. It has to be Aiden because Spencer and Ashley were about to touch each other in a non-platonic way. Aiden and Kyla have miraculously appeared at the same part of the Petting Zoo, on the same night, and with the same intentions as Spencer and Ashley. I sure hope no one interrupts them!

Ashley and Spencer scurry away to spy on the straight lovebirds—which is what any self-respecting lesbian would do while on a date with her girlfriend, right?

Ashley: This is where Aiden and I used to come. I can’t believe he’s recycling our old places!

Spencer: And I can’t believe you’re doing the same thing!

Aiden blathers on about him being Tarzan and Kyla being Jane, and Kyla tells him to quit being an idiot but rewards him with a kiss anyway. Their kiss lasts a lot longer than 3 seconds. Kyla makes a point of telling Aiden that their date isn’t going where he thinks it is—which I’m assuming means to sex, and not the Reptile House. This is because, gasp, Kyla’s a virgin! I thought Clay was the only virgin at King High.

Before Aiden can even begin to consider the possibilities with this whole “virgin” thing, Ashley runs over to dissent.

Ashley: That is such bullcrap!

I’m intrigued, but baffled. If these two just met and are too ornery to even discuss hair care products, how would Ashley know anything about Kyla’s status as a virgin?

Carlin Family Chapel — Spencer and Ashley are headed out for school.

Spencer: I got your 40 million text messages. Why do you care who Aiden dates?

Red Flag. Repeat, Red Flag. Run, Spencer, run!

Ashley: Okay, it’s a rule. You don’t date your sister’s boyfriend.

Spencer: Ex-boyfriend.

Red flag that has been soaked in kerosene and set on fire! Abort, Spencer, abort!

Spencer: As your girlfriend, I’m telling you that you need to stop obsessing over this.

Ashley: As your ride to school in my brand new convertible, I’m telling you that you really need to start taking my side.

My momentary delight at Spencer’s breakthrough with the word “girlfriend” is interrupted when Paula enters the room. She gives Ashley a terse, obligatory greeting then tells Spencer that she needs a favor from her, but she thinks that it is one she’ll like.

Paula has set Spencer up on a blind date with a guy named Patrick. He’s the son of some woman from their church, and Paula’s sure that Spencer could have a very vanilla good time with this altar boy.

Spencer is indignant, but Ashley finds the situation hilarious. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until your girlfriend is renouncing her lesbian “experiment” at the Catholic Youth Convention.

Paula doesn’t understand why Spencer isn’t screaming in ecstasy at the prospect of dating a boy, even some random boy that she’s never met before.

Paula: He’s really cute. You’re not dating anyone, right?

Spencer: No. Why?

Paula: Because I invited him to dinner, tonight.

Ashley no longer finds the situation hilarious. She gives Spencer the “Oh. My. God. How could you?” look and Spencer whispers a sheepish apology.

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