“Two and a Half Men” recap (11.15): Lesbian Bed Death

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Rejoice panty droppers, for a. Jenny is having relationship drama and b. I am back on the sauce. It’s Oscar Night so while people richer, smarter, and prettier than me are solidifying their deity status just blocks away from my apartment, I am recapping Thursday night’s episode of Two And A Half Men, drinking Pinot Grigio, and eating an ice cream cake purchased for just such an occasion. My roommate is having a special friend over for special times and the more Pinot Grigio I drink, the more I want to acquire a special friend for special times ASAP pronto. To CBS!

The episode opens with Alan watching porn in the basement and crying. Walden enters, attempts to comfort a distraught beta (gamma? delta?) male. Walden is appalled that Alan never even asked for Lindsay’s hand in marriage, and encourages Alan to get up and make his move. They then watch pornography together.

Morning arrives so Waden, Jenny, and Alan munch some brunch. Jenny tries to make Brooke a romantic meal in bed, but Brooke rushes off to work.

Jenny: Oh God she’s going to dump me.

Rational.

Jenny: It’s not just that. It’s been forever since we had sex: Two days!

Alan says something realistic and Jenny flees the room in tears. Big bad Jenny is no more. She’s been broken by a sassy mouth and set of double d’s. Alan goes to Lindsay on bended knee and proposes.

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Lindsay insists that she’s still marrying Larry. Larry has a job and home, so Lindsay’s choice is understandable. Lindsay won’t even bang Alan and Alan shuffles away, pausing only to encounter some bird shit. I can’t believe I’m documenting the relationship arc of these two characters. Something I never saw in my future. Alan visits his baby momma’s house for wine and a friendly shoulder to cry on.

Back in Malibu, Jenny is cuddled under her bad news blankie with a pint of ice cream and heart broken frown. Brooke blew her off again! Walden walks in, waxes poetic about his bong collection, and gives yet another housemate pep talk.

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Walden: Surprise her! Do something romantic!
Jenny: I guess I could send her flowers at work. But that just sounds so… gay.

I feel you girl.

Walden: [crossing his legs gayly] Well these are the things we have to do as a relationship evolves. See, sex becomes companionship. And companionship becomes commitment. And commitment becomes complacency. And complacency becomes contempt. And you find yourself longing for the sweet release of death.
Jenny: Yikes.
Walden: I’m going to go get my bad news bong.

Walden sounds like me and that shakes my identity to the core. More wine.

Over at Alan’s baby momma’s, the two reminisce about their (apparently revolting) child. They have sex.

Back to Malibu: Jenny swallows her pride and makes a romantic plan for Brooke.

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Walden isn’t thrilled about Alan’s new bride—his ex wife—so they have Walden over to dinner. Alan’s ex treats Alan like shit and Walden is pissed because he’s the only one allowed to treat Alan like crap. Alan is taking what he can get since he can’t get Lindsay. Walden sabotages their dinner by revealing that Alan proposed to Lindsay first. It works.

At Brooke’s apartment, Jenny has planned a sultry surprise: Jenny gagged and bound on Brooke’s bed.

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Brooke walks in—with her parents. Awkward. Very awkward moment all around. Such hijinks on this show. Back in Malibu, Walden treats Alan to a break up pottery wheel and they embrace for art.

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Why didn’t Brooke tell Jenny that her parents were visiting? How will they react? What will happen to their relationship? Find out next week on Two And A Half Men!

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