Right, so which show is this again? The one where the female lead kisses her hot on-again, off-again genius doctor girlfriend? No? Wait, it’s the one where the female lead kisses her hot now-you-see-her, now-you-don’t guitar-playing singing waitress girlfriend? Also no? Hold up, it’s the one where the female lead kisses her hot supportive, badass girlfriend who once tried to drown her but only because she was trapped in a closet of her own self hatred? Darn, I could have sworn it was that one.
Let’s see, I know, it’s the one with the two female leads who are obviously in love with each other but keep throwing artificial male romances in the way as obstacles to them ever kissing. Sorry, just getting my bearings. It’s been over five months since I had to stretch my subtext muscle.
AHHHHHHHHHH! [pause to inhale] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [pause to inhale] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [pants furiously]
Sorry, you thought I was scared by the clown? Nah. I mean, he is terrifying. (Damn you, Stephen King). But my scream was at the horror that is Angie Harmon and Chris Vance pretending to have sexual chemistry. [shudder]
Still actions speak louder than words because Jane’s “boyfriend”, Col. Beard Force, got up at 4:30 a.m. instead of staying in bed one second longer with his “girlfriend.” You know, to save time, let’s just assume anytime I’m discussing something to do with Jane the word “boyfriend” will be in air quotes. Anyway, Beard Force tells her he loves her, and Det. Jane Rizzoli responds as Det. Jane Rizzoli should when a man tells her he loves her. “It sounds so bizarre when we say it!” Yep, Jane, you got a “Hallelujah!” from every lesbian on the planet with that one.
Also, can we just please note that even when trying to be appropriately heterosexual, Jane insists on being a top. Butch habits die hard, gurl.
The ultimatum elephant in the room about Casey and Jane’s “relationship” (I’m going to totally max out on my sarcastic air quote quotient this episode) is still hanging in the air. She can quit her job and be with him or she can be with Maura and be happy. Fine, that last part was implied. So one or the other of them will have to give up his or her job for them to be together. The suspense is killing me. I mean, who isn’t excited to watch Army Wife & Isles?
Speaking of Jane’s better half, Maura pokes her head into the bedroom because there are no boundaries between LLBFFs. And you thought Senior Criminalist Susie Chang has impeccable timing. She’s got nothing on Maura. Jane jokes about them needing a third for their orgy. And by “jokes,” I mean she hopes beyond hope that it will happen. And then that Casey will disappear. Then she sort of makes it happen by running off with Maura for “coffee” and leaving him alone in bed.
Meanwhile, the creeper clown is acting out an instructional video called “A Parent’s Worst Nightmare.” He tries to grab a little boy and push him into his car, but a good Samaritan neighbor runs out to stop him. He gets knocked fatally to the ground for his troubles. See, no good deed really does go unpunished.
Also being punished is this show’s lesbian fandom as Jane and Maura insist on discussing a dumb boy. Jane’s Choice (while much less dramatic than Sophie’s) is making her indecisive, which Maura says is associated with a range of psychological outcomes including anxiety and depression. Being in the closet is also associated with those same psychological outcomes. Just saying.
Oh, man. Now there’s Frost. Dear, sweet Lee Thompson Young. I feel a terrible ache each time I see you on screen again.
After some light banter about coffee, the team rushes off to solve the good Samaritan’s murder. But first they have to make a quick stop at Jane’s to change out of their running gear. Maura so has a drawer at her place then, right? Later at the crime scene, they learn about the creepy clown connection. And everyone gets even more creeped out because back in 1988 another creepy clown (is that redundant?) kidnapped a boy who was never found. And the case was never solved.
Now the clown may be back. Cue honking red-nose horn and squirting flower…from Hell.