“Glee” recap (5.09): Ghost Fanny

Previously on Glee, Rachel landed the roll of Fannie Brice in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl; Santana landed a Yeast-i-Stat commercial (“I like yeast in my bagel, but not in my muffin.”), Elliot Starchild landed a spot in Kurt‘s band, Sam landed a meeting with Tyra Banks (“My junk is as big as a car.”), Blaine landed himself a gay fiance, and bisexual Santa Claus robbed Bushwick blind.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

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It’s a new day in Times Square, but it’s the same old thing in the Spotlight Diner, where a tourist asks Santana in broken Spanish to please take her steaming eggs back to the kitchen and have them cooked even hotter to avoid salmonella poisoning. She is truly bamboozled when Santana explains that she can speak English on account of she’s from Ohio. The tourist had no idea there were Mexicans in Ohio. Rachel commends Santana for not murdering that lady with her bare hands and Santana confesses she only let her live because she’s too tired to wrap her hands around anybody’s neck today. Tired of ignorant people with their casual racism and homophobia. Tired of being the international poster child for yeast infections. Tired of watching Rachel’s success from the sidelines.

Rachel offers up a chance for Santana to be pampered. See, she landed a New York Magazine cover — hair, makeup, clothes, the whole deal — and she’s got enough clout now to bring Santana to the shoot as a backup model. Santana goes, “You are a great friend, and I mean that sincerely, and I love you, and I hope this gesture doesn’t end with us aggressively singing The Stalker’s Anthem at each other.” Rachel kisses Santana on the cheek, says, “Oh, it will!” and bebops off to wait more tables.

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At the photo shoot, Santana and Rachel duet on Sara Bareilles‘ “Brave” and they look and sound like heaven together, of course, but you know it’s going to end in bloodshed because the whole time they’re singing Santana is fantasizing about being the New New Rachel. (I’m fantasizing about a different thing.)

Kurt calls up Blaine in the middle of the school day to lose his mind about Elliot Starchild. He’s convinced he’s a psychopath because, for starters, in his new interview with The Village Voice* he said he was excited about his band. His band. Also, not five minutes ago, he sent Kurt an all caps text about how they HAVE TO perform this new song he wrote. When Blaine says maybe Kurt is overreacting, Kurt scoffs and says, “If anything, I’m underreacting!” He decides to go full Cady Heron and infiltrate Starchild’s evilness from the ground floor. Next step: Foot lotion in his face cream!

(*No show will ever outdo Gossip Girl w/r/t teenagers achieving critical acclaim in iconic New York publications. I mean, when Dan Humphrey was like 16, he got a poem called “Sluts” published in The New Yorker. It was about how his girlfriend was a slut. But Glee is going to come in a close second, I can already tell.)

Blaine has to go because he’s at school and McKinley High takes academics very seriously. When Kurt hangs up, he reminds Santana and Rachel that Pamela Lansbury has practice tonight, but Rachel can’t come because she has to go to Funny Girl understudy auditions, and Santana can’t come because when someone is a diva within 100 yards of her, it activates the sleeper diva inside her.

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Kurt invites Elliot over for some cucumber sandwiches and some mild interrogation about where he falls, personally, on the Destiny’s Child sliding scale of solo ambition. Elliot makes no apologies for being a Beyonce, nor should he. Jesus did not ask to be Jesus. One is either born a Messiah or one is not. When Elliot says he got his first taste of fame at age five, playing Schroeder in You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, Kurt slides closer and asks him to relay that story to him, how a boy goes from playing a bit part in an stage adaptation of a second rate animated film at his elementary school to looking and sounding and singing like sexual energy in human form, like, “No doubt it is a tale as fraught and bloody as the quest for the Iron Throne.” Elliot thinks maybe they should abandon the cucumber sandwiches and go guitar shopping instead.

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