Previously on The Fosters, our previously sensitive, sweet, do-gooder Brandon skipped right over regular teenage mayhem and went right to the place where he held Ana out a window by her feet, put a horse’s head in her bed, and showed her a pair of shears and said he was going to ask her ten questions. Misdemeanor schmisdemeanor. Stef got off thanks to Captain Roberts. Wait, that sounded wrong (and oh so right). Lena’s biological clock is ticking like frickin’ Big Ben. Mariana made a stupid decision followed by a smart one, or what I like to call Tuesday. Callie gave Jude the perfect birthday surprise, pancakes and a new family. And finally, Jesus disappeared to out of town to work on his hobo and computer hacking skills but he’ll be back in time for Easter.
Lena drives the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA to school while everyone bickers about who takes longer in the bathroom. Lena sings a few bars of “You’re So Vain” and tells them to be on time or they will be walking to school. Callie asks Lena if she can go to Daphne’s unsupervised home for intermittently delinquent teenagers and Lena says nope, but please bring your felonious friends over, Brandon needs a few pointers on law breaking.
Inside school Mariana greets Zach with a chipper hello and he’s stolen Season 1 Toby Cavanaugh hair and attitude and merely grunts back. Emma tempts Jesus with a scone, steals his hat, and yells, “Nanner nanner boo boo” before skipping off to class. Mariana reminds Jesus that he has a girlfriend, he calls her Captain Obvious and insists that Emma is just a friend (cue the Biz Markie). Chase and his boy band, The Douche-Tones laugh at Mariana as she walks by.
Principal Sanchez drops by Lena’s office to tell her that Callie needs to join an extracurricular activity because that sort of thing is what has kept Mariana and Jesus from being suspended. Oh wait. But Brandon is a good boy, right? This little trip through Lena and Stef parental shortcomings is interrupted by a fire drill. Brandon and Vico use the drill as cover to pass Lena’s office key. Lena tells Brandon to scoot while Vico sneaks into the office. After the drill Vico tells Brandon they have a problem and then freaks at the sight of a cop. That cop is Brandon’s hot mom who is at school to have lunch with Lena. She tells Brandon she misses him (you’re alone in that sentiment, lady) and asks him to come over for dinner. When he says he has a “getting to know you” dinner with inappropriate Dani, Stef goes into crazy mode and asks, “Is she cute? is she smart? Is she an adult?” Brandon walks away leaving Stef with her gigantic lunch bag the likes of which no one has seen since The Breakfast Club.
In Lena’s office Stef is still stuck on Mike’s girlfriend. In shocking news, he doesn’t have the best track record with dating. More shocking is the fact that Stef and Lena have a cat, perhaps it went out of town with Jesus. But they aren’t sharing a brown bag lunch for funsies, this is a lunch all about picking a donor for the baby they have, apparently, decided to have. There is a ten second discussion about having a white versus African-American donor before Stef says, “Whatever you want Lena.” Guys, you spent more time talking about the guacamole.
Outside Callie and Brandon decide not to eat lunch together because their friendship isn’t quite at that level yet. So they fist bump. As long as they aren’t bumping other body parts I’m cool with it. Mariana stomps over all pissed that Kelsey got all the friends in their break-up. Mariana can’t believe Zach is mad at her too and Callie breaks it down for her. Boys don’t like it when you are on a date and you bring your sister along. Mariana is like, “Oh, whoops, then he’ll be super pissed I put my underroos in Chase’s pocket.” Callie laughs at Mariana for being a dumbass, but in a sisterly way. They can start their own club the “I did stupid things for the wrong boy” club. Sanchez will love it.
Vico finds Brandon to tell him that the problem with their otherwise foolproof plan is that there’s a security code on the ID maker. He hands Brandon his new ID. You thought Lismore street sounded stupid? Brandon’s ID says he lives on “Mele Kalikimaka Lane.” Merry Christmas, numbnuts.
Mariana apologizes to Zach for the misunderstanding. He tells her they weren’t on a date but it’s just not OK to ditch a friend to go hook up with a jackhole like Chase. She tells Zach they didn’t hook up but he stalks off anyway. A couple of dudes walk by and smile at Mariana. She smiles back and then notices they are walking with underpants hanging out of their back pockets. Just when you thought the show couldn’t be any gayer, Anchors Aweigh Charter School has its own handkerchief code! Mariana confronts Chase about broadcasting her underwear antics to the school. He plays dumb but she tells him she know he’s lying because he’s a terrible actor.
Back at the Adams Foster home, Callie welcomes Kiara and Daphne. They give her grief for running away from a house this nice. They head for the kitchen and talk about how hard it is for Daphne in independent living. No one wants to hire a kid out of juvie and she needs a job if she wants her daughter back. The girls want to know what Callie’s up to and she complains that she’s supposed to make friends but she doesn’t have anything in common since she was homeschooled in Africa. They remind her that they are all friends in spite of not having anything in common except for that time Daphne kicked Callie’s ass in juvie. They want to know about Temptation Island: Brandon Foster edition and Callie says it’s not a problem since he moved out and moved on to felonies and shit. Kiara announces that she has a new foster family thanks to the picture Callie took of her. Stef interrupts this happy moment with her swagger and uniform. Daphne gets nervous around Stef and they hurry to leave. I understand, I get like that too around hot women.
Meanwhile, Brandon and Vico go into a bar to test the new ID. It works in spite of Brandon saying “fake’ thirty-seven times and being twitchier than Smokey Lonesome without his morning whiskey. Brandon orders a pink drink and scans the crowd. When Vico decides that the best way to get over Callie is to get under someone else Brandon finds himself face to face with Hurricane Dani. This is going to make breakfast awkward.
Stef and Lena are doing dishes in the dream kitchen and talking about Sanchez’s helpful tips for raising teenagers. Stef thinks that Callie should expand her friend circle to include kids who don’t know what the inside of a cell looks like. Callie comes bouncing down the stairs looking like she robbed Ellen Page’s closet, and says she wants to take pictures of all the foster kids to help them find homes. Lena thinks it’s a lovely idea and Stef would love it if Callie would use the opportunity to make new friends. Callie says she’s already going to enlist Daphne and Kiara to help. Count your blessings, moms, because neither of those two are going to tell Callie to hand out her underpants like business cards.
Back at Mike’s, Brandon is washing his cereal bowl when Mike comes home from work. Mike promises that when he’s back on his regular shift they will have pancakes and bacon and process their feelings over breakfast like they do at the moms’ house. They both laugh and say, fine, we’ll eat cocoa puffs together and grunt. Their intimate getting to know you dinner has been moved to Stef’s house courtesy of Brandon’s big mouth. Brandon keeps pushing his luck by asking all about Dani and her drinking history. Mike shuts him down and tells Brandon he should go back to his piano lessons. Brandon calls the teacher a “pompous ass” and tells his dad not to call the teacher again because he’s not going to change his mind. It definitely has nothing to do with him not wanting Mike to check up on how long Brandon was ditching class and keeping the money.
The wrestling team is weighing in. Jesus dropped enough weight to go down a class so he’s off the bench. Well, he’s off the bench for 14 seconds because Emma bumped up a class and now they wrestle each other for the spot. Timothy finds Lena and bribes her with a brownie so he can use the theater department props for the Shakespeare production he is doing at the nursing home this weekend. Lena’s ears prick up and he tells her about the show and the cat he rescued from a tree. She’s the only lesbian impressed by the this the rest of us smell a Marcus Allenwood situation coming a mile away.
Callie says hi to a couple girls in the hallway and they say they’re friends with Talya. Callie walks down the hallway with Mariana who points out that Callie did kind of steal Brandon from Talya (because Brandon is a thing, incapable of rational thought or decision making. Fine, lately that’s kind of true). Callie responds that Mariana did actually put her panties in Chase’s pocket. They laugh and shrug it off because it’s silly and so high school and who cares what anyone thinks, right? Cue a waterfall of boxers springing from Mariana’s locker while Chase and the Douche-Tones laugh like cartoon villains. Mariana rushes to put the undies in the trash but Lena happens by and wants to know why Mariana is elbow deep in underpants and why on earth she’s not wearing gloves.
Back at home the moms are trying to tell Mariana the appropriate way to let a guy know you like him. Lena says “compliment his nursing home production of Shakespeare.” They want to know where she got such a stupid idea and she says from Talya. “It worked for her and Bran-” Stef begs her not to finish that sentence. They send her off with a kiss on the head and the assurance that the right boy will come along just like it happened for them. Wait. Anyway, Stef tells Lena that she invited Mike and Brandon and the sober buddy to be named later over for dinner. Lena is confused because Stef never told her. Lena says she invited Timothy and it would be rude to cancel on her subordinate co-worker. Stef doesn’t understand why because Lena hasn’t mentioned her super secret idiotic plan to use Timothy’s sperm to make a baby. Stef says, “Well, break out the hummus babe, we’re having a dinner party.”
Callie is putting up information sheets for her photo shoot when Brandon comes by and tries to figure out how he can use her good deed to further his own dastardly plans. He calls her a “really good person” and walks away twirling his mustache. It’s time for a wrestle-off. Jesus looks way too confident and taunts Emma by telling her she shouldn’t have eaten all those scones. They grapple and it looks like he’s about to pin her but then he gets all doe eyed and she pins his sorry butt. He congratulates her and she gets pissed because he stopped seeing her a wrestler and saw her as a girl. She yells that on the mat she’s not a girl and then kisses him before yelling some more and storming off. Jesus, raised by lesbians, surrounded by women, and still has no effing clue what’s going on with girls half the time.
Callie and Judicorn are setting up the photo shoot while Kiara talks about how amazing the school is. Callie is worried Daphne is going to go back to the gang if she doesn’t get her daughter back. Hey, Brandon, these are real stakes.
At home Lena welcomes Timothy who brought wine because he can’t cook. Lena laughs and says “oh I’m sure a brilliant guy like you isn’t bad at anything. Stef this is my brilliant co-worker. Did I mention he’s brilliant?” Stef gives a WTF face and wonders if Lena forgot to tell her they are pretending to be straight tonight. Dani and Mike arrive and Stef makes passive aggressive comments before they all walk toward the table and wonder where to sit. Guys, really this is dinner party 101, sort out who you hate the most and put them as far away as possible. Lena starts gesturing and whistling like Tippi the Bird and Stef looks around to see if she’s on Candid Camera.
Daphne arrives at the school and ogles the BEAUTIFUL KINDLES while Callie takes pictures. Cole shows up with his new roommate and Michelle. Cole’s parents won’t take him back so he needs a foster home. Kiara gives Daphne crap for being late. She thinks the school looks more like a resort and wonders if they have happy hour for study hall. One little girl take a shine to Jude and he helps make her smile extra big for the pictures before stealing the camera and taking shots of Callie. Callie pulls Daphne in front of her but Daphne needs to find the loo. Callie tosses her Lena’s keys in case the door is locked. Ruh roh. I smell a red herring.
Brandon arrives late for the awkward dinner party and makes a lame excuse. Timothy says he must have been “grappling with the motif of guilt and deception in Hamlet.” It’s bad enough to have teachers over for dinner, Timmy, there’s no need to make it worse by discussing school work. Lena jumps in to say Timothy was a Rhodes scholar. He deflects the parise with a joke and Lena laughs like Samantha Jones on a first date with a hot guy. Know who else was a Rhodes Scholar? Hot, smart lesbian, Rachel Maddow. Bring it back to the gay, Lena.
Dani refuses wine and tells a very nosy Stef that she’s been sober for five years. Stef asks if sober buddies are allowed to date and Mike doesn’t tell her to butt out. Did everyone lose their grasp of appropriate boundaries in social situations? Lena keeps rattling on about the history of Rhodes Scholarships and how much Timmy boy loves animals and how he single handedly fought a dragon and rescued a princess once. Mike, bless his heart, says “maybe I should date Timothy.”
Stef and Lena scurry into the kitchen and Stef demands to know just what the hell is going on in the other room. She is trying to do her detective work on Dani and all Lena wants to talk about is Timothy. Lena says that she’s been thinking maybe they should use a known donor and maybe that known donor should be her subordinate at work. Somewhere an employment lawyer’s brain just exploded. Stef isn’t taking it much better. Lena, head to the penalty box. That’s a major penalty.
Stef blows her advantage though by saying she wouldn’t be comfortable with Lena seeing their baby’s father at work everyday. Whoopsie. Pretty rich coming from someone who was partners with her ex-husband. Lena, giver of epic “DNA doesn’t make a family” speeches, says she just wants to know where this baby comes from. Ladies, I’m going to give you both a time out. You need to think this baby thing through some more. Timothy pops his head in and says “can I help with anything.”
When Mike hops up to pee Dani and Brandon scowl and trade blackmail threats. Brandon, you were a smart kid. Now you’ve got more secrets than room to keep them in your hair. How long before you start getting blackmailed by half of San Diego?
The next day Timothy wanders into Lena’s office and thanks her for dinner before offering her a little something in return. He’s up for sharing his sperm with all the fabulous lesbians of San Diego and he wants Stef and Lena to have first crack. This cozy conversation is broken up by Sanchez who needs a word with Lena about some missing Kindles.
There’s giggling in the corridor and Mariana grabs a school paper. Looks like someone ripped Chase in print for his terrible acting in the play. Zach walks up and tells her how he slipped the review into the paper after the faculty approved it. She’s impressed and asks if he did it because they are friends and he said he was just righting a wrong like Batman. Ducky, you’re great, but you ain’t no Paige McCullers.
Sanchez questions Callie about the BEAUTIFUL KINDLES that went missing during the photo shoot. Callie tells Lena she didn’t give out the keys but then confronts Daphne about it. Daphne is pissed she rode three buses and a pack mule across town to get there. Daphne says she didn’t take them. Daphne says Callie better book Brandon McCreeper in the list of people who were there because she saw him lurking when he was supposed to be home having dinner. callie asks Brandon and he denies being there. She says some stuff is missing from the office and she’s pretty sure Daphne took it.
In an adjacent courtyard Jesus finds Emma and apologizes and then kisses her. She says, “Well hold up there bucko-you have a girlfriend and I don’t do cheating.” He says he doesn’t either and it’s time visited Luce at the florist for a break up plant. Outside Vico hands Brandon his cut from the IDs. Brandon yells at him to put the shit back he stole. Brandon, when you go into illegal business with the guy who socked your brother you can’t be shocked when it goes sideways.
In the Adams Foster kitchen, Stef is paying bills with Lena when Callie comes in and tells them that she forgot that she gave the keys to Daphne to use the bathroom. Upstairs, Jude and Callie flip through the pictures and Callie notices something. In the background of one of the pictures Jude took she can see Brandon’s car. Spencer Hastings! He was lying! In other news sugar is sweet.
What did you think of the episode? Are you ready for more mayhem next week?
