“The Fosters” recap (1.17): “Aca-awkward”


Previously on The Fosters, our previously sensitive, sweet, do-gooder Brandon skipped right over regular teenage mayhem and went right to the place where he held Ana out a window by her feet, put a horse’s head in her bed, and showed her a pair of shears and said he was going to ask her ten questions. Misdemeanor schmisdemeanor. Stef got off thanks to Captain Roberts. Wait, that sounded wrong (and oh so right). Lena’s biological clock is ticking like frickin’ Big Ben. Mariana made a stupid decision followed by a smart one, or what I like to call Tuesday. Callie gave Jude the perfect birthday surprise, pancakes and a new family. And finally, Jesus disappeared to out of town to work on his hobo and computer hacking skills but he’ll be back in time for Easter.

Lena drives the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA to school while everyone bickers about who takes longer in the bathroom. Lena sings a few bars of “You’re So Vain” and tells them to be on time or they will be walking to school. Callie asks Lena if she can go to Daphne’s unsupervised home for intermittently delinquent teenagers and Lena says nope, but please bring your felonious friends over, Brandon needs a few pointers on law breaking.

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Inside school Mariana greets Zach with a chipper hello and he’s stolen Season 1 Toby Cavanaugh hair and attitude and merely grunts back. Emma tempts Jesus with a scone, steals his hat, and yells, “Nanner nanner boo boo” before skipping off to class. Mariana reminds Jesus that he has a girlfriend, he calls her Captain Obvious and insists that Emma is just a friend (cue the Biz Markie). Chase and his boy band, The Douche-Tones laugh at Mariana as she walks by.

Principal Sanchez drops by Lena’s office to tell her that Callie needs to join an extracurricular activity because that sort of thing is what has kept Mariana and Jesus from being suspended. Oh wait. But Brandon is a good boy, right? This little trip through Lena and Stef parental shortcomings is interrupted by a fire drill. Brandon and Vico use the drill as cover to pass Lena’s office key. Lena tells Brandon to scoot while Vico sneaks into the office. After the drill Vico tells Brandon they have a problem and then freaks at the sight of a cop. That cop is Brandon’s hot mom who is at school to have lunch with Lena. She tells Brandon she misses him (you’re alone in that sentiment, lady) and asks him to come over for dinner. When he says he has a “getting to know you” dinner with inappropriate Dani, Stef goes into crazy mode and asks, “Is she cute? is she smart? Is she an adult?” Brandon walks away leaving Stef with her gigantic lunch bag the likes of which no one has seen since The Breakfast Club.

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In Lena’s office Stef is still stuck on Mike’s girlfriend. In shocking news, he doesn’t have the best track record with dating. More shocking is the fact that Stef and Lena have a cat, perhaps it went out of town with Jesus. But they aren’t sharing a brown bag lunch for funsies, this is a lunch all about picking a donor for the baby they have, apparently, decided to have. There is a ten second discussion about having a white versus African-American donor before Stef says, “Whatever you want Lena.” Guys, you spent more time talking about the guacamole.

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Outside Callie and Brandon decide not to eat lunch together because their friendship isn’t quite at that level yet. So they fist bump. As long as they aren’t bumping other body parts I’m cool with it. Mariana stomps over all pissed that Kelsey got all the friends in their break-up. Mariana can’t believe Zach is mad at her too and Callie breaks it down for her. Boys don’t like it when you are on a date and you bring your sister along. Mariana is like, “Oh, whoops, then he’ll be super pissed I put my underroos in Chase’s pocket.” Callie laughs at Mariana for being a dumbass, but in a sisterly way. They can start their own club the “I did stupid things for the wrong boy” club. Sanchez will love it.

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