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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.1 “The Morning After”

At the end of Season One of South of Nowhere, the camera faded out on Spencer and Ashley’s ridiculously overdue kiss, and I felt like Carol Lynley in The Poseidon Adventure — all decked out in some fabulous hot pants, lip-synching, “There’s got to be a morning after…”

The Poseidon Adventure. 1973. No, not the updated version with a sassy gay hero and Fergie as the doomed lounge singer. I mean the original, the one with Shelly Winters swimming for her life.

The fact that I’m old enough to know the song from The Poseidon Adventure or anything about Carol Lynley’s pants – hot or not – is just one more reason why I probably shouldn’t be so wrapped up in a tv show about two queer teenagers.

But I am. And, mercifully, there is a morning after SON‘s Season One finale so very many months ago.

Ashley’s Love Shack – We get our first glimpse of The New Spencer – the improved, finally-been-(at the very least)-kissed-by—a-girl model. She’s just where we left her at the end of last season, in Ashley’s bed. I can’t think of a better place for her, but what happened there is still up for grabs.

Did they or didn’t they?

I’m on record as saying they did. But I’ll admit that maybe that was just wishful thinking. After spending a whole season watching these two crawl to first base, maybe I was just afraid that my social security check wouldn’t cover cable fees when and if they ever got around to sex!

Spencer looks angelic as usual as she dozes, but when her eyes flutter open she sees that the space beside her is empty. Has our little heartbreaker Ashley already ditched Spencer for a new conquest?

Nope. Before the word “Ashley” is even out of Spencer’s mouth, Ash says, “I’m right here.”

Sure, Ashley’s a bad girl, but she’s not a dumb girl.

Sitting by the bed looking fetchingly rumpled, Ashley offers Spence a big mug of coffee.

Ashley: Are you alright? With everything that happened last night with us?
Hmmm. Vague, but suggestive. Would she be asking Spencer this question if they had just kissed a couple of times and then spent the rest of the night watching Laguna Beach reruns?

Spencer, who is sporting a suspicious glow, doesn’t respond. She just buries her face in the covers.

Oh no. Not the “I’m-really-a-straight-girl” freak out. And that’s probably what Ashley’s worried about when she goes to Spencer and pushes the hair away from her eyes.

Ashley: What? Spencer, what’s wrong?
Spencer finally peeks out at her, and Ashley goes all gooey. In her best rock royalty rasp, Ashley tells Spencer that she’s beautiful.

Spencer: Stop. It’s okay. It’s a big deal, and I want it to be for you too. Ashley: It is.
They are so not talking about Laguna Beach reruns.

Remember when Spencer did her little video confessional for Ashley and wished she could have another “first time” with someone who mattered? Let’s just say that we probably aren’t the only ones experiencing some wish fulfillment with this episode.

Spencer: When I woke up this morning and you weren’t here next to me… for a second, I thought it was a dream. Ashley: I know. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I just wanted to shut the world out a little bit longer. Spencer: Come back.
Talk about making an offer you can’t refuse! But somehow Ashley does.

Ashley: I would love to, but you might want to see who’s looking for you.
She shows Spencer her cel phone, and it is overflowing with messages — most likely from family members in varying states of misery.

Just to refresh, our Season One cliffhangers included the following calamities: Glen busted his knee and was taken to the hospital, Mama Carlin was making out with her ex-boyfriend in the hospital parking lot, Clay was having a disappointing reunion with his birth mother, and Papa Carlin was home hitting the sauce, all by his lonesome.

Glen’s Hospital Room — The Carlin clan, except for Spencer, is huddled around numskull Glen’s hospital bed. Spencer rushes into the room, horrified to find her big brother in traction. She asks Glen if he’s in any pain, but the goofy smile on his face should answer that question. “Not right now, but ask me when I’m not hooked up to this thing!’ He holds up the button for his morphine dispenser and clicks it like he’s buzzing in with a winning answer on Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: The answer is “College Hoops 2K7” for Xbox 360. Glen: What is the only basketball game in my future?
Glen tells Spencer that he’s torn his ACL, and his family members exchange grave looks. (For those of you who don’t know much about sports medicine, ACL stands for Accidental Career Loss. Basketball could have been very good to Glen.)

Spencer may be the last one to join the party, but it turns out that none of the Carlins were there for Glen when he was rushed to the hospital the night before. So they take turns telling each other glaringly obvious lies about where they were in Glen’s hour of need.

Clay mutters something about studying with his buddy Sean, but we cut to a flashback of where he really spent his evening. Cue his insufferable birth mother giving him a self-righteous lecture about how putting him up for adoption was her greatest gift to him.

Clay is such a dork that no one really thinks he was out scoring drugs or hookers anyway, and Paula and Arthur are so focused on each other that they probably never dreamed that Clay would look up his birth mother in the first place. So Arthur quickly takes the spotlight off of Clay and shines it (passive aggressively) on his wife.

Arthur: Looks like no one wanted to come home last night.
He shoots a steely look at Mother Superior. Wow, either dad has toughened up this season or he’s still a little drunk from the night before. Did he really just call Paula out in front of the kids?

Paula makes a lame “working late” excuse and quickly throws the blame back on her husband. Ahhh, the cozy warmth of her familiar pattern of blame. It’s like a big snuggly blanket. The more everyone else changes, the more Paula stays the same.

Paula: Arthur, I called you at home. Arthur: I was there. Paula: Nobody answered. Arthur: Guess I didn’t hear the phone ring
Cut to a flashback of Arthur taking a big swig from his highball.

Suddenly it’s Spencer’s turn to offer up an excuse, and she’d better make it a good one.

There was a time—maybe 5 or 6 episodes ago—when our doe-eyed heroine practically peed her pants if she had to lie to her parents. But all of the sneaking around with Ashley behind Paula’s back has paid off. Spencer is now operating at the normal, healthy 16 year old level of deception.

Spencer: Aiden and I were at Ashley’s house.
Mother Superior’s eyes bulge out of her head. She’s so angry that she didn’t even hear Spencer throw out the Aiden red-herring. All she heard was, “blah, blah, Ashley, blah, blah lesbian sex.”

Paula: Ashley?!
Mother Superior leaps to her feet. What, is she going to hit Spencer again?

At the mere mention of that homo Ashley’s name, Glen rolls his eyes. Or maybe his eyes are just rolling back in his head. Keep pressing that morphine button, you little bigot!

Spencer: Mom, we were just… hanging out.
Cut to Spencer’s flashback—you know, the one you’ve been waiting for since last February? The girls are in bed, and Ashley is on top of Spencer kissing her. It’s a short clip, but we get the picture.

Spencer: My cel phone just…died.
She throws in the last part of the lie and tops it with an evil smile. Has a little bit of Ashley lovin’ put Spencer in touch with her inner Shannen Doherty?

Cue up the show’s new theme song, “Wasted” by L.P. I really dug the old theme song by The Donnas, but how cool is it that the new one is sung by an out lezzie rocker? (Who also happens to put on an excellent live show.) I’m taking it as a good omen for the future of all things Spashley.

Aiden’s bedroom — Apparently the girls weren’t the only ones getting lucky last night. Aiden is getting dressed while Madison prances around his bedroom talking about how important she is to him.

I’m happy for Aiden. Well, I’m mostly happy for myself. Now that he’s found a girl to have sex with, maybe he’ll stop flirting with Spencer. And Ashley.

Madison makes a big production out of telling Aiden that she’s not with Glen anymore, and that Glen was really just an “excuse” to make Aiden want her more.

Aiden barely suppresses a yawn, and they head off to school.

King High School — Ashley and Spencer are sitting on a bench and they are — surprise, surprise — processing their first night together. They probably already have a couples counseling session lined up for 7th period.

Spencer is shyly trying to get a little positive feedback from Ashley.

Spencer: Last night. Was I…okay? Ashley: Yeah, you were.
Wow, way to lay it on thick there Ash! Spencer probably feels like a seasoned lesbian stud after all of that sexual confidence-boosting sweet talk.

But because Spencer’s a girly girl, she’s not easily deterred. She’ll keep fishing until she hooks the compliment she’s looking for.

Spencer: Thanks. I’ll get better, I promise. (Bat, bat go the lashes) Ashley: Shut up! It’s not like I’ve had that much experience. Okay, that’s a lie. But it’s different with everybody. And it’s great with you.
I guess there’s a compliment in there somewhere. Oh Ashley, please don’t get cocky just yet. We’re only about 12 hours into this relationship, and, seriously…since February, okay? Don’t screw this up for the rest of us.

Oblivious to my pleas, Ashley changes the subject completely. She’s going to have dinner with her ne’er-do-well rocker dad, and she’d like Spencer to join them. She does throw Spence a bone when she tells her that she’s the first person she’s ever wanted to take ho—um, to the Sunset Strip—to meet her dad. Spencer gets dreamy eyed, as if Ashley’s just proposed.

Take a note from Ashley’s book, amateurs. Playing the aloof, wounded and yet borderline disinterested card makes girls melt.

King High School Entrance — The lovebirds have made it through their first day of high school as girlfriends, and they’re on their way home. If this were Showtime and not The N we’d be seeing a real After School Special. (On the other hand, if this were Showtime, Spencer would inexplicably hook up with Madison mid-season after Ashley suddenly died from an allergic reaction to a new hair gel. And Betty would have played at her funeral.)

But this is The N, and what we see is Spencer sweetly trying to hold Ashley’s hand as they tromp down the steps in matching mini-skirts. (Is this is the hip teen version of matching fanny packs? Jesus, have they already started to merge?)

That hand-holding move didn’t go over so well when Spencer pulled it last season (remember Madison’s “Isle of Lesbos” comment?) and she’s not going to get any mileage out of it this time either. Ashley suddenly gets very snappy with Spencer.

Ashley: Spencer, stop! Spencer: Why? Ashley: Just be careful. I’m out and I don’t give a crap what people think about me. But you’re not, and people can be really harsh. Okay?
As if to help prove her point, Madison approaches with Aiden in tow.

Madison: Oh look. It’s the King High lesbian poster children. Cute aren’t they? Aiden: (with a leer) Definitely.
For some reason, Ashley still cares about who Aiden dates and she chides him for being with Madison. Ashley and Madison trade insults until Madison gets bored and moves on.

Spencer’s Bedroom — Spencer is getting all dolled up for her dinner date with Ashley and her burn-out father. Going all gay seems to agree with Spencer, because she suddenly looks like a poised 20 year old model. Her mother notices this too.

Paula: I can’t believe how fast you’re growing up. Spencer: Mom, you’ve been saying that since I was about five. (She turns around and shows off her outfit) So? Paula: You look…different somehow
Cue twinkly, instrumental background music. This tells us that we’re headed toward a heart-warming mother-daughter conversation and not one of those, “You’ve slept with her, haven’t you, you little slut!?!?!” knock-down, drag-outs that teen homos are so often treated to when they come home looking “different somehow.”

Paula: …but beautiful. Spencer: (nervously turning away) I’m trying something new with my hair. Paula: Maybe. Well, whatever it is. You look very grown up. So where are you off to? Spencer: Ashley invited me to dinner with her dad. Paula: Spencer! Spencer: Mom, it’s okay. Really. (Lesbian Decoder Ring Translation: Get over it, Mom, she is so my girlfriend now.) Paula: Look Spence, it just that Ashley is really…experienced, in ways that, honestly, worry me.
Oh Paula, you have no idea. (Or maybe you do, and that’s why you’re worried.)

Spencer: Mom, I don’t want to fight about her anymore. (LDRT: I’m probably moving in with her this weekend, so you can go ahead and use by bedroom for Bible study.) Paula: I know. All I’m saying is that Ashley is not going to have an easy life. Spencer: Look, Mom, its just dinner. Her father’s going to be there, and, come on, you should be happy—for me. It’s going to be so safe and normal that it’s almost boring. (LDRT: Ashley thinks civil unions are bullsh*t and we’re not even sure if we’ll ever want kids, so just chill.)
Because Paula has never met the train wreck that is Ashley’s dad, she relents and let’s Spencer go with a reminder that she’s there for her if she ever wants to talk. You know, about stuff that isn’t gay.

Penthouse Apartment on the Sunset Strip —We’re treated to a montage of merriment as Spencer, Ashley, and her dad dine together on the roof of his swanky rock star apartment. The girls laugh, play air guitar, and pretend that Ashley’s dad can put a coherent sentence together.

It’s all noisy rock and roll fun until Dad gets sentimental. Getting a decent haircut has created a Zen-like peace in him, and he regales the girls with a cute story about baby Ashley going on tour with him, and a kind of creepy story about a not-much-older-than-a-baby Ashley partying with him.

He tells Ashley how much he loves her, and calls her “his favorite daughter”. They embrace, and the warm father-daughter moment gives Spencer a flicker of hope that Ashley might not have HUGE INTIMACY ISSUES after all.

Ashley’s Bedroom — There are a lot of great things about being Ashley. This sprawling mansion, her glamorous bedroom, the swooning girl in her glamorous bedroom, and the fact that there never, ever seem to be any pesky parental interferences. Case in point, Ashley is prancing around the room in the black leather vest her father gave her and, well, not much else.

Hey, can they do this on The N? Who cares? Keep watching.

Ashley strikes a near-nude seductive pose and asks Spencer, “What do you think?”

Spencer looks nervous. I think she’s afraid that she’s about to get her first lap dance, and she’s not quite sure how that works. So she squeaks, “Hot!” and Ashley purrs, “Yes, I am.”

But before Spencer has to start counting her $1 bills or figure out where she’s going to put her hands, the TV news interrupts the regularly broadcasted lesbian teen romance to tell us that Ashley’s dad has just been killed in a car crash. It’s a horrible moment, and it’s clear that Ashley’s life has changed forever. And that those intimacy issues just got a whole lot worse.

Later, Spencer leaves concerned phone messages for Ashley, who screens her out.

King High School — Spencer confides in Aiden that she’s worried about Ashley going into seclusion, and he casually assures her “she’ll surface”. (This guy is a veritable font of compassion, how did Ashley ever leave him?)

Madison slithers up to them and, much to Spencer’s surprise, tells her to pass along her condolences to Ashley. Then she switches back to her normal self and puts her hooks into Aiden. She wants to see him that night, and he says that he’s available “unless Ashley needs me.” Madison gives an extra haughty hair flip and says, “Why don’t you leave Ashley’s needs to Spencer and concentrate on the girl who likes being with boys?”

For once, I agree with Madison.

Ashley’s Bedroom —Ashley is tormenting herself by looking at pictures of her dad. She is really messed up by his unexpected death, and in case you didn’t get that about her, you can tell by her t-shirt with the word “Broken” subtly emblazoned on the collar.

Spencer has stormed the castle and is there to comfort Ashley—who does not want to be comforted. She laments the lack of time spent with her father, and when Spencer tries to reassure her, she flinches and gives Spencer a dirty look.

Ashley: I need my space, okay? Spencer: No! It’s not alright. I’m not going to let you push me away, not now, not when you’re hurting like this. Ashley: Like what, Spencer? Do you have any idea how I feel? No, you don’t. You can’t. So just stop it. Spencer: Stop what? Caring about you? Ashley: If you really cared, you would just leave.
Just then, Ashley’s mom—a reject from the set of Dynasty—enters the room to talk to her about the funeral arrangements. Sure, she’s a pain, but wouldn’t you rather she interrupt a fight rather than a make out session?

Alexis Carrington Davies doesn’t want to spend a penny on her ex-husband, and this sends Ashley into a blind rage. She makes a really good speech about the best aspects of her rocker dad, but Alexis isn’t hearing it.

Alexis: He was the bastard who left me for some girl who got on his bus after a show in Baltimore. Ashley: Isn’t that how I was born? Alexis: I don’t remember. I’ve tried to suppress my life’s most disappointing moments. Ashley: (storming out of the room) I can’t deal with either of you right now.
Oh Spencer, this is the first time that you’re being irrationally lumped in with Ashley’s mother, but it’s not likely to be the last.

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams — Ashley takes a long, lonely walk on the Sunset Strip, where she finds that some of her father’s fans have set up altars in his memory. She takes some comfort in their shared love of her father, as well as some inspiration for how she can celebrate his life.

Despite her hootchie schoolgirl outfit, she doesn’t even get busted for solicitation on the way home. I guess her dad’s spirit really is watching over here after all.

The Carlin Household — Spencer’s parents are still sniping at each other when the doorbell rings. Mother Superior opens the door to a completely distraught Ashley, who asks to see Spencer and then crumples into Paula’s arms, sobbing.

And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that Paula Carlin’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of kindness came through, and Paula found the strength of ten Catholics, plus two.
Paula tells Arthur to set a place at the table for poor little Ashley. Spencer comes down the stairs to meet her.

Ashley: I’m sorry. (lots of crying) Spencer: It’s okay. You’re just going through the worst time right now. Ashley: No, I’m sorry for not letting you in and letting you help. I’m so bad at this, I’m so bad right now.
Aiden’s Car — Aiden and Madison are driving around and Aiden is in the process of blowing her off when she grabs the wheel and nearly causes him to crash. What the hell is she doing? She tells him she’s trying to get him to pay attention to her. Madison looks like she’s about to cry, Aiden looks like he’d rather have a face full of airbag than continue the conversation. Together, they are in utter misery.

Maybe they just got married in Vegas.

The Carlin Sofa — Later, Ashley seems to be feeling a little better as she sits on the sofa with Spencer. I’m pretty sure that Mother Superior has hidden a nanny cam in one of the cushions. Why else would she allow Spencer to have this potentially conjugal visit from Ashley once the crying jag was over?

Ashley: I don’t know how I’d get through any of this without you. Spencer: (with a teasing smile) You wouldn’t. It’s so good to see you smile. Ashley: There’s something I have to do. Spencer: What’s that?
No. It’s not what you want her to do. She’s in mourning for crying out loud! That stuff will have to wait. She’s talking about throwing a memorial bash for her departed dad.

Rooftop on the Sunset Strip — Ashley is surrounded by a gaggle of friends—and Glen—as she says a few words about her father. She wants to give him “one last chance to break the rules.” So she’s violates all sorts of laws and health codes when she grabs a handful of dad dust (eww) and tosses it about willy nilly over the Strip. The crowd goes wild, and Alexis Carrington Davies arrives just in time to break up the party.

She’s brought someone Ashley needs to meet.

Alexis: Ashley, this is Kelly— Kyla: It’s Kyla. Alexis: Whatever. She claims she has a right to be here. Ashley: Ok. Did you know my dad? Kyla: I’m his daughter.
Kyla is grieving too, and she’s got a cute deer-in-the-headlights look about her. So I really don’t think she deserves the narrowed eyes and flared nostrils that Ashley typically reserves just for Madison. But she’s getting them. Spencer’s jaw has dropped—literally—and it’s unclear what will happen next.

If this were Showtime, Ashley would toss Kyla off the roof and then go have sex with Glen. And Betty would play at their wedding. But this is The N, so we just get a commercial break so everyone can regroup.

Ashley’s Bedroom — It turns out that half-sister Kyla will be sharing Ashley’s sizeable inheritance per their father’s will (which Alexis plans to contest). The money thing is a drag, but Ashley seems to be more upset about having to share grieving daughter status.

Ashley: Way to crash my grief! Who the hell does she think she is? Spencer: Your sister? Ashley: No. My nothing. Where do I put this? I am so pissed off at my dad. How could he do this to me? Or Mom? Okay, I understand how he could do it to Mom. But he loved me. Spencer: Yes, he did. You know, that hasn’t changed. Ashley: Everything’s changed! Maybe the girl’s just here for the money and when she gets it, she’ll leave. Spencer: Maybe she feels exactly what you do—confused, cheated, sad… Ashley: Do not shrink me, Spence. She doesn’t know how I feel. She doesn’t know anything about me. Spencer: I’m just trying to help you. Ashley: This is so like him. It’s always about the drama. I hate him for this.
Her whack job dad found one last way to disappoint her, and it sucks. On the positive side, all of this additional “drama” requires more comforting from Spencer.

Hey, I’m just looking for the silver-lining.

The Carlin Courthouse — Back at the Carlin’s, Paula’s fleeting fit of compassion for Ashley has given way to judgment. Well, at least she’s reliable. She’s clucking about how Ashley is so screwed up (aka gay) because of her lousy parents, when Arthur turns the tables on her again. He pointedly asks if she’s referring to the way in which Ashley’s father, lied, cheated, and abandoned his family.

Is it a coincidence that when he says all of this he’s enjoying his trademark highball?

Paula: So we’re going to make this about us now? Arthur: It would be a refreshing change from your constant Ashley-bashing. This is a time when she needs her best friend Spencer more than ever. Paula: Oh give me a break. She wants to be more than just friends.
Hmm. Does it help if you’re both right?

Arthur uses the “more than friends” comment to bring up Paula’s special friend, Dr. Ben. With Glen standing just a few feet away, he asks Paula if she’s slept with Ben, and she makes a speech about how they both need to make the effort if their marriage is going to work. Then she takes away his highball.

If I were Arthur, I would need the highball to make that marriage work.

King High School — Glen and Clay are walking to class, and—well, technically Glen is limping to class. He’s on crutches and he’s bitching about his parents, about Spencer, about Ashley. Clay is sticking up for all of them, but Glen just keeps yammering away. I wish he still had his Jeopardy button, because the un-medicated Glen is extremely tedious. He wants to take a pill almost as much as I want him to take a pill, but when he tries to do just that, he finds them missing from his locker.

Across Campus — Clay and adorable girlfriend Chelsea discuss her upcoming art show. She’s too nervous to go to the opening, and Clay teases her about it. And that’s about the full extent of their problems today.

Unlike everyone else on this show, these two are not “all about the drama.”

Ashley’s Locker — Ashley’s griping too, about what a “freak” Kyla is and how the gargantuan sum of money at stake will only complicate matters, and how the conditions of the daughters’ inheritance include them staying in contact with each other, living in the same city, going to family counseling together twice a month. Kyla will be moving there soon, and she’s already enrolling at King High. OMG!

It really seems like it could be much worse for Ashley, doesn’t it?

What if she was the one who had to move? And what if she ended up in some gay-unfriendly place, like some state where a conservative Governor vetoed pro-gay legislation or—oh, I forgot, she already lives in California.

Amidst all of this kvetching, Ashley casually drops a number. $25 million. That’s what her father’s estate is worth. Suddenly, I feel a little less sorry for her. She jams her father’s priceless leather vest into her skanky (and apparently lock-less) locker. So we shouldn’t be too surprised when she later finds out that it has been stolen.

Kyla makes the mistake of showing up on school property, and Spencer gets in trouble with Ashley for waving to Kyla.

Where are Clay and Chelsea when we need them?

Kyla’s Room in Ashley’s House —Ashley has been spoiling for a smack down with Kyla, and she finally gets her chance. And she even has some wrath to spare for their father.

Ashley: You know what was important to him? Partying, playing his music and sleeping around. We’re just two mistakes in his screwed up life. Kyla: I don’t feel like a mistake! A secret, maybe. Abandoned, maybe. But unlike you, I’m glad I was born. And I love my mom. She’s been really good to me. Ashley: There’s a sentence I’ll never say.
Kyla seems genuinely sad that Ashley’s mother is such a shrew, and she promises not to let her pit them against each other. But Ashley, whose savoring her bitterness, tells Kyla that she’s way out of her league—with both of them. When Ashley finally exits in a huff, Kyla tells her, “See you in therapy!”

God, I hope so. Angry Ashley is too busy lashing out at her sister to pursue any romance with Spencer. Those two haven’t laid a hand on each other since “the morning after,” and that’s just unacceptable.

Aiden’s Bedroom — What the hell is Ashley doing here?

His place is standard straight boy fare. He has some cheesy sports posters on the wall (“Are you a warrior?”), and it probably smells like feet.

Ashley’s has exasperated almost everyone with her bratty whining about her sister, so she’s found the one person so desperate to be in her company that he’ll let her keep beating that tired old step-horse. And now she’s even bitching about Spencer! She knows Spencer’s trying to help, but it’s “bugging” her.

Oh please.

Aiden says that he sympathizes with Spencer, because Ashley used to push him away too. When Ashley admits that she’s being a bitch and Aiden doesn’t correct her, they have a little play fight that starts to get…physical. Aiden almost kisses her, and she tells him, “I’m with Spencer now.”

They work it out, and a disappointed Aiden agrees to let Ashley spend the night—platonically—at his place.

I guess this little trip to the Jock Lair wasn’t a total waste. It was kind of sweet to hear Ashley affirm that she and Spence are an actual couple.

Now if only she’d act like it.

King High School —The next morning, Madison and Spencer end up waiting together for Aiden and Ashley. Madison makes time for a lame gay joke, but Spencer’s not intimidated. She is, however, curious. Why does Madison so obsessively hate on Ashley?

Madison: I don’t care about you two. You can do whatever perverted things you want.
I wouldn’t hold my breath, honey. In fact, I’m beginning to that think their hook up was a fluke. Or my own hallucination.

Spencer: (with a smirk) “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.”
Ooh, someone got the “Understanding Homophobia” memo. Go Spencer!

When Madison doesn’t respond, Spencer spells it out.

Spencer: You’re saying you don’t care. But you’re saying it over and over, which must mean that you really do care. The question is, why? Madison: Because I know it makes Ashley mad, and that’s my hobby. Spencer: Maybe it’s because you really like her and just miss that she’s not your friend anymore. Madison: Yeah, you’re so special. Give her time, she’ll burn you too.
I would like to hear more on that topic, but Ashley and Aiden roll up together in Ashley’s sexy new Season Two Porsche. Madison doesn’t like hearing that they spent the night together, and she storms off in a huff. Spencer doesn’t like it either, but she asks the obvious question rather than assume worst.

Ashley assures her that they weren’t fooling around, she just needed to get away after her fight with Kyla. Spencer doesn’t understand why Ashley wouldn’t come to her instead. Ashley reminds her that she wants to come to her, but that she can’t always come to her house.

I forgot how much being sixteen can suck.

Across Campus — Aiden finally dumps Madison. Despite her protests that they can “work on” developing the love thing, Aiden tells her that it’s just not meant to be. Poor Madison is devastated, and she cries her little eyes out.

Spencer and Ashley’s Lockers — Ashley is waxing poetic about the fancy new apartment she’s going to get, when Spencer reminds her that she won’t inherit her millions until she’s 18.

Ashley: Thanks for completely destroying my fantasies. Spencer: I can help you with some of your other fantasies if you’d like. Ashley: (with husky voice) Spencer Carlin, you’re gay? Spencer: (shyly) Only with you…
And just when things are finally starting to get interesting, it becomes “all about the drama” once again.

Ashley opens her skanky, lock-less locker to find—gasp—that her priceless leather vest has been stolen. She blows a gasket in the schoolyard, screaming “What is wrong with you people?!? That is the last thing my dad ever gave me!” at no one in particular as her baffled classmates scoot away in horror.

Spencer dutifully hugs the now regularly hysterical Ashley, and probably wonders if she’s ever going to get laid again.

The Carlin Household — Glen, Clay, Chelsea and Spencer sit around the dining room table doing homework together while Spencer tells them about Ashley’s meltdown. Chelsea wonders what is up with the rash of locker break-ins and Glen butts in with a braying, “I know! It sucks!”

Everyone turns to look at him, baffled. Glen realizes that they don’t know about his dolls getting stolen, and lest he sound like a pill-head, he’d better shut up about it.

Since everyone pretty much expects Glen to spout nonsense, they ignore him and go back to their conversation. Spencer is really worried about Ashley’s fragile emotional state, and her loving brother Glen reaches out to her in the best way he knows how.

Glen: Is Ashley heading to Crazy Acres? Maybe they can fix that whole gay gene while she’s there.
Could someone please sedate him? Stat?

Spencer chastises him, and then plays the concerned friend card. Sweet, naïve Chelsea buys it.

Chelsea: You’re such a good friend, Spencer. She’s lucky to have you. Spencer: I’m lucky to have her. Glen: Everybody’s gettin’ lucky but me!
Okay, that was funny.

Clay takes a phone call from Sean, who has somehow cracked The Case of the Looted Lockers, and even knows where to recover the stolen goods. Spencer and Glen set out to recover Ashley’s vest and—unbeknownst to Spencer—Glen’s stolen stash.

Later That Night —Paula brings Arthur a stack of pillows and blankets for his new bed—the couch. He takes them from her with one hand, as his other hand is holding a highball.

Remind me why he has to sleep on the couch if she’s the one who’s been screwing around?

Glen sees it all go down and wants to know what’s going on. Arthur tells Glen that he and Paula are “having some trouble.” Luckily, Glen is probably the only Carlin kid dumb (or high) enough to actually get some new and useful information from Arthur’s lame answer. So it’s a good thing that he’s the one who asked.

Ashley’s House, the Back Porch — Kyla is on the phone with her mother, crying over they way she’s being treated by both her wicked step-mother and her wicked step-sister. Then Prince Aiden appears and offers to take her out for a burger.

Well at least someone is being nice to her, even if it is Aiden.

Ashley’s Room —Spencer gets to play the hero card when she returns the leather vest to a teary and grateful Ashley.

Ashley: Thank you. Thank you so much for not letting me disappear or be alone. Spencer: You’re not alone. I’m not going anywhere.
If the previews for next week are any indication, it looks like the only place Spencer might be going is to court to get an injunction. Because Ashley’s dad was famous, she and Spencer apparently make for good TV. The paparazzi get video footage of them kissing, and Spencer tries to talk them out of using it. She even calls one of them an “ass”!

Let’s hope she has a few other tricks up her (mostly) wholesome little sleeve.

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