“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.20): The Chamber of Secrets has been opened!


Forgive the brevity of this week’s recap, you guys; I’ll be back to full speed next week.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer’s Adderall bender climaxed into a glorious noir film in which she worked out that: she thinks Ezra Fitz is a skeeze in league with Mona; she wishes Toby would sometimes play the Spencer role in their relationship; lesbians do have more fun in the sack, and some girls never grow out of wanting to climb trees; Ali is a child-woman beast, but definitely a magical one; and the pages of Ali’s diary — which they discovered pre-hallucination— have been changed enough to matter in a code-breaking way. (Ezra doesn’t know they know he knows.)

Spencer wakes up in Mr. Fitz’s classroom in the wee hours of the morning, assuming she blacked out and drove there. Spencer Hastings doesn’t always sleepwalk, but when she does, she heads straight for an institute of higher learning. Ezra finds her there, all, “Hey, wake up. You definitely got here because you’re a junkie and not because I drugged you and dragged you from your bed and planted you here.” She runs away from him while he calls after her about how it’s time to stop playing this game and ‘fess up and he can help here and, here, have a lollipop, little girl.


A normal person goes home, sleeps it off, tries again tomorrow. A semi-normal but slightly unhinged person takes a quick shower in the locker room and a quick nap in her car and makes it a half day. But Spencer Hastings, she just zooms through the school collecting a variety of items out of different lost and found boxes and cobbling together an outfit that makes her look 100 percent homeless. Hanna, the only person who seems to care that Spencer is warping down a rabbit hole at death-defying speeds, calls her out on dressing like a hobo, and not in a sexy computer-hacker hobo way. Emily legit goes, “Did you have … an accident?” in the most Aria way possible. I mean, Spencer shows up looking like that after all this time, you assume she dragged herself out of a dumpster after being clubbed over the head, water boarded while forced to listen to “It’s a Small World” on repeat, locked in a cage with some hyenas, and then tossed from an airplane with no parachute. Accident my eye. There are no accidents in Rosewood, Pennsylvania.


It makes you appreciate Mona even more, doesn’t it, looking at Spencer looking like this after just one week of trying to simulate Adrenalized Hyperreality with pills. That girl was accomplishing ten, maybe twenty times more mayhem than Spencer is right now, daily, and always looking fierce.

Anyway, the Liars argue about whether or not they should tell Aria that Ezra is A. Like, OK, yeah, he has a proven pattern of pedophilia and murdering teenage girls, but they don’t want to, like, hurt Aria’s feelings.

Good god. All y’all are acting like Arias this morning. Snap out of it.

So Ezra sidles up to Aria in the hallway and hands her Spencer’s permanent record file folder, which includes not only the reminder that she was once a patient at Radley Institute for the Criminally Insane, but also a new bit of old information about how this isn’t the first time she’s used performance enhancing drugs to her own detriment. Ezra goes, “Now, what I could do is take this file that I stole and begin an official, professional intervention, but that takes a long time and I need you to know right now that Spencer is addicted to Ritalin, a few side effects of which include: startling accusations, pathological lying, memory loss, black-and-white fugue states, rage against authority, things like that, so.” Aria takes the file and promises to follow up with Spencer on her own because maybe she’s ramped up on drugs, or maybe it’s just one of those days when the garbanzo beans(!) are out of place in her salad.


Toby shows up at Rosewood High with season one hair and a turkey sandwich to share with his lady, whom he loves even when she’s wearing the dessert-themed scrubs Hanna had in her locker for some reason. She eats for the first time in days. He looks like he did when he chased Emily through the chemistry classroom, smashing beakers and whatever. Dropping her off at the ER and speeding out of town. Oh, man. That’s the night Emily won that BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA, remember? I think she came out to Hanna in that episode too. Maya was alive back then. You could trust cars not to hijack you and drive you to your death. The good old days.

Toby smells Spencer’s hair and says he almost forgot her scent, and guess what, he did forget her scent, because I’ll bet Spencer usually smells like lilies from Queen Victoria’s own personal garden instead of what she smells like right now which is Orange Is the New Black. They make plans to have a date night and Spencer says, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

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