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“Lost Girl” Recap (4.13): The heart is a lonely hunter

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo escapes a Death Train only to pick the world’s most boring boyfriend and together they accidentally open up the Gates of Hel. Also, Lauren sang in French and everyone made out with everyone. Good, now we’re all up to speed?

See, this is why your mother told you to never talk to strangers. Bo is having serious buyer’s remorse about her decision to pick Rainer as her husband/destiny/world-ending-apocalyptic prophecy fulfiller. Rainer is like, “Oops, my bad, guess I suck in every way.” Yes, dude, you do. His mea culpa is interrupted by Bo’s glowy mark, which means even her deadbeat dad disapproves of this union.

Bo’s grandpa doesn’t approve either. Rainer brings an ailing Bo to the Dal and they immediately start to bicker. Not to be picky, but wouldn’t mortal enemies—one who banished the other to another worldly dimension cursed to roam lost for eternity—do more than just squabble like petulant teenagers?

Bo doesn’t have time for their Mean Girls bullshit either. The Pyrippus is near and daddy needs her to cross over. Sheesh, way to ease into the familial relationship, big fella. Maybe first invite her to a nice father-daughter cup of coffee before being all, “Hey, you’re going to help me escape the portal from Hel.” You never went to a single one of her school dances. That takes time to heal.

Bo finally tells Trick that it’s time to tell her everything — EVERYTHING — about her blood. You know, like he should have been doing all along. Seriously, if everyone just told everyone everything about their heritage, prophecies, ulterior motives…fine, OK, then there would be no show.

In the Big Evil Thing Trying to Destroy The World Subplot B, Massimo is still being an enormous petulant baby. But now he is an enormous petulant baby with the combined power of the Una Mens — and gray hair. The worst thing a power too powerful for any one Fae to possess does to a human is make him prematurely gray? Really? Did the special effects budget run out at the end of the year? Also how is he possibly keeping Lauren hostage? It looks like he’s using a hair tie he found on the floorboards of his car to bind her up.

Lauren is equally incredulous at her current state. As she astutely notes, this guy’s only shot at immortality is to hope someone writes a shitty pop song about him. “I Am an Enormous Douche Nozzle Who Never Breastfed as a Child” does have a certain ring to it. At this point, he is a glorified cross between Norman Bates and Gollum. Except he ate the Precious and his mother isn’t sitting in a rocking chair.

Back at the bar, Trick is using booze bottles (and third person) to retell a condensed version of Bo’s wacky family tree. When her mother Aife (a bottle of triple sec) attacked the Dark (a bottle of whiskey), grandpa Trick a.k.a. the Blood King (a bottle of peach schnapps), had to punish her as an example and she was handed over to the Dark. I don’t know what kind of story that is, but it makes for an awful cocktail.

Bo is a mix of Aife’s Light blood and her father’s Dark blood, so she is a hybrid. While Trick says he doesn’t know anything about daddy dearest, he tells her about her special ability to take life from many victims at once and transfer it to other people. Duh. Have you not been watching this show?

Rainer gets excited because he hasn’t been watching this show like the rest us, but now he realizes this power means she’ll be able to raise armies from the dead. You just got married and you’re already thinking about how to use your wife to overthrow the Fae power structure? So much for the honeymoon. As if a new husband who is only thinking about work isn’t bad enough, Massimo Bates comes in full of threats and in need of Grecian Gray.

Across town, newly unclaimed Kenzi is in—wait, is that the Morrigan’s apartment? OK, don’t question how she got there. She has found Lauren’s blood and her research and her crumpled sex sheets. Plus there’s some weird painting featuring what looks like Bo attacking a village-full of peasants that she shows Dyson. Now there’s something fun to hang over the fireplace.

The Morrigan returns home and tells them all about the Levony Experiment. Kenzi deems it all too “graphic and confusing.” Welcome to our world, honey. Dyson sniffs out that Evony is human now and Kenzi gets to fulfill a four-year wish by punching her square on the chin. So naturally Evony then tells them all about Lauren’s Magical Vagina and Massimo the Gollum of Sons.

Speaking of that Masshole, he is using all the new powers of the Fae he has inherited to kick some Succubus ass. I know he has all this Una power (plus that pesky Twig of Zamora), but this is a really uninspired fight. He throws her into a stained-glass window. He hits her with a chair. He picks her up like Hulk Hogan. I’ve seen more believable fights at Wrestlemania.

Trick and Rainer stumble up and gramps realizes Massimo ate the magic bean. Trick is going fight him, but Rainer stops him saying that Bo will need him. He offers himself up instead. Doesn’t he have the gift of foresight? Because Rainer comes at him with the weakest attack I’ve ever seen. And just like that the Druid solves our Rainer problem. So long, Wanderer. We will really, really not miss you. What? Just being honest.

Bo wakes up from a marriage even shorter than Britney Spears’ Vegas wedding to find Tamsin watching over her. Oh, how they love to tease poor Team Valkubus. A beat-up Bo laments all the things she has lost — Hale, Rainer, her common sense. And then Tamsin becomes a substitute for all of fandom as she levels a steely glare at Bo and says: “Why don’t you suck it up and get your shit together.” Slow clap. SLOW CLAP FOREVER.

Oh, Tam-Tam, did you ever know that you’re my hero? And everything I would like to be? We need to take a moment to appreciate how thoroughly and seamlessly Rachel Skarsten has become an integral part of this show. It’s not easy to join a show two seasons in, but Rachel has done it effortlessly and along the way become an essential part of this ensemble.

But back to the goading. It does its job and gets the Succubus to do what she does. So she takes a little Tami-snack for the road.

Afterward, Bo tells Tamsin that she tastes “different, happy.” Just then the supposed reason for her happiness runs in and gives Bo a big hug. This show is like the musical chairs of love triangles. Just keep running until the music stops, people!

Kenzi is with him as well and she shares an awkward hello with Bo. Afterward, Tamsin—who has become the high priestess of getting real—tells Kenzi she needs to forgive Bo. After all, they have both lost someone with whom they had questionable chemistry. Sorry, too soon?

Instead of dealing with the elephant in the room, Kenzi grabs one of Rosette’s books to read up on the pending apocalypse. Oh, that old thing. One passage depicts a fire sale at IKEA, or some other hellish landscape. Kenz asks Tami to translate a line, which reads “Daughter. Heart.” So, perhaps the daughter’s heart will close the gates of hell? Great, now we’re going to have to find that dude from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom who rips the beating hearts out of human sacrifices. I bet he charges overtime for last-minute bookings.

Kenzi tells Tamsin they should hold off on reserving Mr. Heart Ripper, and then secretly rips out the page. Oh, Lil Mama, what are you up to? I’m sure we’ll find out later. But for now everyone is focused on saving Lauren, which is kind of nice. Save the girl, screw the world. But before they go, Bo rips up her Dark contract for good measure. Welcome back, Unaligned Succubus. We missed you so.

Dyson is impressed by the move, even if he’s doubtful it’ll hold up in court. And he realizes that all this time he has been barking up the wrong tree. (Hey, I couldn’t resist.) He was looking for a King, when what he should have been serving a Queen. So he pledges his fealty to Bo right then and there. Does he need to unpledge himself from the Blood King first? And, um, did he pledge his body to Trick, too? Kinky.

Dyson tells Bo he loves her. Geez, now even I’m starting to feel a little bad for this guy. She likes you, buddy, but doesn’t like you like you—you know? Tamsin walks in on the scene and interrupts the not-quite lovefest. Poor, Valkyrie. I know you thought you might have a thing with the wolf, but that dog won’t hunt. (Again, couldn’t help myself.)

Rosette’s books lead them back to the horse whisperer cult’s headquarters. It looks a little different, what with the glowing portal to Hel breaking up the room’s flow. Because they never enter into these things with a plan, Bo and Dyson stand around until something emerges from its depths.

They don’t have to wait long until the dead soldier revenants start pouring out. Bo’s Valkusnack seems to have left her a little peckish, because she supersucks the soldiers for a main course.

But her triple-meal deal brings out the Succu-Hulk in her again. The blue eyes and voice of doom are back, as is the apocalyptic bluster. Queen. Armies. Blood. Succu-Hulk SMASH. Bo can’t stop herself, and asks Dyson to do something. His something is, of course, a make-out session. It works, but only because of his seriously stale moves. See, you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. (I really, really can’t stop at this point.)

Evony has gone to see Trick, and the world’s most uncomfortable flirting ensues. Why not get one more insane potential pairing into Lost Girl: The Crackship Season? Trick tells Evony he isn’t into “stone-cold bitches.” But the Morrigan is a stealth feminist and informs him that “bitch” is just a term men use when threatened by powerful women. Right on, sisterfire. Later we can all burn bras together. Still, neither Trick nor Evony want to be enslaved by Evil Mr. Ed, so they join forces and decide to fight together against the Pyrippus.

Bo and Dyson stagger up after beating back the few revenants. But more, millions and millions more, are coming. Bo forgets that Dyson isn’t a lesbian for a minute and wants to process their kiss. But he tells her to go save his bro Lauren. Say what you will about the guy, but right now he really is a doctor’s best friend. Bo tells him to hold back the dead army, and keep Kenzi safe. Oh dear. We all know only one of those tasks is not going to get completed.

Before going to save her lady, Bo makes a quick pit stop to accessorize. She pauses to put on Lauren’s gift. It’s the necklace she found hidden in Lauren’s apartment. The necklace that looks an awful lot like, OK—I’m just going to say it, it looks like a vagina. Oh my freaking God, Lauren gave Bo a necklace of her Magical Vagina.

I mean, come on. Admit it. It looks a little like ladybits.

Right, so Tamsin and Kenzi walk up and are like “Suffering Sappho, is that from the Georgia O’Keeffe Collection?” But in their heads. Kenzi walks up wordlessly and gives Bo a hug. If you can’t forgive your friends at the end of the world, when can you?

So Bo takes her vulva-lace and heads off to find the real thing. The Masshole is still ranting and raving, but at least he has found some proper cuffs for Lauren. Bo walks in offering to give him a big prick for his little prick. So much double entendre. Then Lauren tells her she shouldn’t have come, but Bo responds that she always does. Entendres, entendres everywhere.

Lauren thanks the goddess Bo arrived, in case this show wasn’t lesborific, womyn power enough for you. Massimo can’t stop talking about all the power he has absorbed, and then gives Bo a little taste — or, more accurately, note. He sirens her and pulls out whatever else he can from his Fae bag of stolen tricks.

In between beat-downs, he spits out more not entirely menacing threats. Really, it’s hard to think of two duller villains (or pseudo-villains) than Massimo and Rainer. One guy with mommy issues and one guy we happily forgot—again. Lauren tells Bo she’s about to die of boredom, but don’t worry, she’s also almost out of her cuffs. That skill is really going to add a fun dynamic in the bedroom. Plus, she already has top-notch foreplay skills. She’s not called Dr. Hotpants for nothing, folks.

Bo decides it’s time to pull out a classic. So she gives Massimo a like Succu-time. Just then Mommy Dearest saunters in to break up the party. Now the Morrigan, that is an interesting villain. Bo thinks so, too, and turns her attention to Evony instead. Though, the poor dear has been more of a pawn than the power player we all know she can be this season. Massimo throws another tantrum for her anyway, because that’s what he does. That is all he does.

All this toddler drama makes Bo hungry, again. Lauren suggests Bo try the delectable treat in her arms. OK, telling your ex and/or current and/or future girlfriend to taste your most recent sexual conquest is a little weird even for us gay ladies and our incestuous circles. But Bo does, just to taunt the Masshole. And also, probably, because it’s a little hot.

He tries to retaliate by using Bo’s power against her, but it’s quickly thwarted with a little bait and switch. Massimo ends up vacu-sucking his own mom, which — hello, symbolism. But unlike Bo, he has never learned how to stop. Remember when Bo couldn’t do that and Lauren helped her learn to curb her appetite? Oh, the Season 1 memories.

Bo gives him a choice, a life for a life to save his mom. She takes his, to give to her. But, of course, there is that damn twig. But, don’t worry, Lauren has learned a lot more than just picking locks and stealing panties from Kenzi. She swipes what looks like a really juicy bud from Massimo’s pocket and thus ends his reign of tantrums.

Bo smacks the dreadful Druid around for good measure. Once for hurting Lauren, that once each for killing Rainer and Hale and then the death blow comes for breaking Kenzi’s heart. So, does that mean the power of the Una Mens is just gone now? Guess the great and powerful Origin Seed turned out to be really just an insignificant little speck after all.

And while I’m complaining about stuff, I still don’t understand what was with all the subterfuge about Rainer. Was he Tamsin’s boss? Should he have had fangs and horns? Was it all just a red herring to try to make him seem more interesting than he really was? And, I mean it, what the hell happened to Crystal? Guess some mysteries will just never be answered.

Back at the Gates of Hel, Dyson, Tamsin and Trick are fighting off the army of darkness when Kenzi walks in. More accurately, she sashays in. Just because the world is about to end, doesn’t mean a girl can’t look fabulous. See, earlier our littlest shadowcaster figured out the prophecy on her own. It will take Bo’s heart to close the portal. And Kenzi, Kenzi is her heart. Destiny can be a real bitch.

But for now, at least, Bo’s heart is all about Lauren. Yes, even as the armies of the underworld threaten our very existence, two gay ladies can find time to process relationship. Lauren notices that Bo is wearing her Magical Vagina Necklace, and Bo says she loves it. I expect to see these on Etsy immediately.

They catch up. Rainer is dead. Bo is still a champion. Lauren can turn the Fae mortal with her Magical Vagina. Yes, yes, these are all fact. But ladies, tell me the important stuff. Tell me about your BIG GAY FEELINGS? Bo jokes that Lauren really is dark, but she replies in the most Tara Maclay way possible: “I’m yours.” Where is an extra flamey candle when you need one?

Sadly, Bo has to run off to save the world and shit. Lauren says she’s going to stick around and fulfill her Hippocratic Oath for Evony instead. Bo says she gets it, but mostly the writers just didn’t want to have figure out a way to fit Lauren into the big battle scene for whatever reason. Bo turns to leave, but then rushes back. The hero never leaves without a kiss. Those are just the rules.

On the battlefield, Dyson is trying to talk Kenzi out of her destiny. But Kenzi knows better, she knows that while Bo may have many loves, she only has one heart. So she must go. But, she assures Dyson that she has a plan. Turns out Rainer finally did something useful with his gift of foresight—or so they tell us. He knew his death would allow Tamsin to take his soul and earn her way back into Valhalla. So now when Kenzi dies on the battlefield, Tamsin can take her there as a fallen warrior. And there is where she will wait for Bo to find her. Well, it kind of makes sense. If Bo can break out of hell, she can certainly break into heaven. Or at least we hope.

So, anyway, back to the end of the world. Bo runs to join the party, but her mark of the beast lights up. I don’t really understand why sometimes the Pyrippus drains her power and sometimes he gives her power. But I’m just going to add it to my list. Just then she finds something in her pocket. It’s Kenzi’s engagement ring. I’m guessing Kenz slipped it in Bo’s pocket during the hug. And I’m guessing its presence symbolizes her saying goodbye. Again, I’m guessing — l’m getting used to it this season.

But the next sequence, well, the next sequence I cannot snark about. For all the flaws of this jumbled season — and there were many — this scene plays flawlessly. Heroic death is always a gift. Just ask Buffy. Kenzi bravely walks toward her destiny, and does it all in knee-high leather heels. Our girl is fierce to the very end.

Everything is awful, and in slo-mo which makes it only more awful. Bo runs in. Screaming. Tears. Heartbreak. And with that Kenzi turns and goes into the light.

And like that, it’s all over. The revenants fall and our pocket-sized hero lays lifeless on the ground. Tamsin runs to her and then, in hands down the most gorgeous sequence of the season, her Valkyrie wings emerge. She envelopes Kenzi in her wings and then the littlest warrior is whisked off to Valhalla.

So, that’s it. End of season, right? The terrible beauty of death and promise of rescue, right? See you next winter, when we return for Lost Girl: Buffy Season 6. Well, not exactly. First Dyson finds Tamsin at the gates of Valhalla. I have no idea how he got there, or why. Can’t Valkyries get back from there on their own? Never mind, push through. Oh, wait, it is because she saw something terrible and has a warning for him. He can’t let Bo rescue Kenzi, or find the second Hellshoe. And there is your set-up for Season 5, folks. Also, does this mean Damsin/Tyson/ValkuWolf is definitely happening?

And so it really ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper for those lost. Bo goes to visit Kenzi’s grave. Our darling Mackenzie “Kenzi” Malikov saved the world, just that once. But it was enough. She was our friend, our warrior, our heart. Bo says that she is done crying, done being scared. She’ll get Kenzi back. And the world should be scared of her.

Bo may not be Dark anymore, but make no mistake, Dark Bo is coming.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Come back, sweet Mackenzie, come back. It’s going to be really hard to pick a Kenzism each week otherwise.

“Destiny. Booyah.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

See you — and the girls — next fall, old brown-blue eyes.

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