“Lost Girl” Recap (4.13): The heart is a lonely hunter

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo escapes a Death Train only to pick the world’s most boring boyfriend and together they accidentally open up the Gates of Hel. Also, Lauren sang in French and everyone made out with everyone. Good, now we’re all up to speed?

See, this is why your mother told you to never talk to strangers. Bo is having serious buyer’s remorse about her decision to pick Rainer as her husband/destiny/world-ending-apocalyptic prophecy fulfiller. Rainer is like, “Oops, my bad, guess I suck in every way.” Yes, dude, you do. His mea culpa is interrupted by Bo’s glowy mark, which means even her deadbeat dad disapproves of this union.

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Bo’s grandpa doesn’t approve either. Rainer brings an ailing Bo to the Dal and they immediately start to bicker. Not to be picky, but wouldn’t mortal enemies–one who banished the other to another worldly dimension cursed to roam lost for eternity–do more than just squabble like petulant teenagers?

Bo doesn’t have time for their Mean Girls bullshit either. The Pyrippus is near and daddy needs her to cross over. Sheesh, way to ease into the familial relationship, big fella. Maybe first invite her to a nice father-daughter cup of coffee before being all, “Hey, you’re going to help me escape the portal from Hel.” You never went to a single one of her school dances. That takes time to heal.

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Bo finally tells Trick that it’s time to tell her everything – EVERYTHING – about her blood. You know, like he should have been doing all along. Seriously, if everyone just told everyone everything about their heritage, prophecies, ulterior motives…fine, OK, then there would be no show.

In the Big Evil Thing Trying to Destroy The World Subplot B, Massimo is still being an enormous petulant baby. But now he is an enormous petulant baby with the combined power of the Una Mens – and gray hair. The worst thing a power too powerful for any one Fae to possess does to a human is make him prematurely gray? Really? Did the special effects budget run out at the end of the year? Also how is he possibly keeping Lauren hostage? It looks like he’s using a hair tie he found on the floorboards of his car to bind her up.

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Lauren is equally incredulous at her current state. As she astutely notes, this guy’s only shot at immortality is to hope someone writes a shitty pop song about him. “I Am an Enormous Douche Nozzle Who Never Breastfed as a Child” does have a certain ring to it. At this point, he is a glorified cross between Norman Bates and Gollum. Except he ate the Precious and his mother isn’t sitting in a rocking chair.

Back at the bar, Trick is using booze bottles (and third person) to retell a condensed version of Bo’s wacky family tree. When her mother Aife (a bottle of triple sec) attacked the Dark (a bottle of whiskey), grandpa Trick a.k.a. the Blood King (a bottle of peach schnapps), had to punish her as an example and she was handed over to the Dark. I don’t know what kind of story that is, but it makes for an awful cocktail.

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Bo is a mix of Aife’s Light blood and her father’s Dark blood, so she is a hybrid. While Trick says he doesn’t know anything about daddy dearest, he tells her about her special ability to take life from many victims at once and transfer it to other people. Duh. Have you not been watching this show?

Rainer gets excited because he hasn’t been watching this show like the rest us, but now he realizes this power means she’ll be able to raise armies from the dead. You just got married and you’re already thinking about how to use your wife to overthrow the Fae power structure? So much for the honeymoon. As if a new husband who is only thinking about work isn’t bad enough, Massimo Bates comes in full of threats and in need of Grecian Gray.

Across town, newly unclaimed Kenzi is in–wait, is that the Morrigan’s apartment? OK, don’t question how she got there. She has found Lauren’s blood and her research and her crumpled sex sheets. Plus there’s some weird painting featuring what looks like Bo attacking a village-full of peasants that she shows Dyson. Now there’s something fun to hang over the fireplace.

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The Morrigan returns home and tells them all about the Levony Experiment. Kenzi deems it all too “graphic and confusing.” Welcome to our world, honey. Dyson sniffs out that Evony is human now and Kenzi gets to fulfill a four-year wish by punching her square on the chin. So naturally Evony then tells them all about Lauren’s Magical Vagina and Massimo the Gollum of Sons.

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