Previously on The Fosters, Stef’s father died and Stef, Lena, Mariana, Jesus, Callie, and Jude were sad about it. Brandon proposed that a funeral is the perfect time to announce that Callie is his girlfriend. Lena wanted a baby, Mike wanted the charges against him to go away, and Jude wanted to know if his mom would be all right with the Adams Fosters adopting him. Finally, Callie realized she needed a family more than she needed a boyfriend.
This week we start at Girls United where they are having their final group session with Callie and telling her that she’s lucky to have a family so don’t fuck it up by fooling around with Brandon. Basically, Girls United says what we’ve all been screaming at our televisions for months. They go around the circle and everyone says what they learned from Callie. They all sing a round of “You’ve got a friend in me” before Rita tells Callie that she may be going home but she’ll always be a Rockford Peach.
When the moms walk through the door with Callie Mariana runs over and gives her a hug. Jude makes an excuse about having a book report he has to work on immediately so, you know, no time for hugs. Jesus is at practice in Ravenwood. Brandon tells Callie that he had to do something for himself (what a change from all that selfless behavior we’ve seen from him!) and is moving in with Mike. Here’s your coat, don’t let the door hit you in the ass, buddy.
After dinner Callie is doing the dishes when the moms come in to talk to her. She apologizes for Brandon moving out and they set some ground rules, most of which have to do with her cell phone. She says she knows that she has to earn back everyone’s trust.
Callie goes upstairs and looks around Brandon’s empty room. The most unbelievable thing about this part is that none of the other kids moved in there yet. Jesus had his stuff packed at the first whiff of Brandon moving out last time and would probably be all over it again if he weren’t in Narnia. Next door Mariana is helping Jude with his book report. He hops up and skips out of the room telling Callie he’ll see her in the morning. Mariana tries to apologize for Jude giving Callie the cold shoulder but she gets it. You run away, end up and juvie, kiss your foster brother, and end up in a group home the reentry is going to be a little bumpy.
The next morning everyone is discussing Jesus and where he is or isn’t and what he is doing or isn’t doing but can all agree he’s invisible right now. Is this confirmation class or The Fosters? Mariana hands Jude a folder and says his report looks excellent. Mariana wonders what everyone is going to think when she comes back from her suspension. Stef asks if she’s worried that everyone was talking about her and Mariana is like “I wasn’t but now I am.” They shift to talking about what everyone has been saying about Callie. Jude, bless his little heart, asks what the rumors are because even though he’s in the same school rumors do not reach his unicorn ears. Mariana says all the rumors are about her running away with Wyatt and not about her making out with her foster brother. Callie says she doesn’t care what other people are saying and Mariana revels in the idea that they will be notorious together. Callie’s like yeah, being notorious isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Jude reaches into his bag and find a figurine with a note attached to it. Cakes and cuddles! It’s A and he’s targeting Judicorn!
After breakfast, Stef gets served with a summons to appear in the case against Mike. She tells Lena, who can’t see why that’s a big deal until Stef reveals that she wasn’t entirely truthful when she spoke to the investigators after the shooting. Lena says well I can see that Brandon gets his terrible judgment from you.
Brandon is getting ready for school at Mike’s when out pops a tiny, adorable woman. She says her name is Dani and she’s a friend of Mike’s. Yeah the kind of friend who appears without pants at seven in the morning. She makes it more awkward by fixing Brandon’s collar and touching him like one of the Desperate Housewives touches the pool boy. Ick. Mike comes out of his room and Brandon grills him about his girlfriend. He wants to know if his dad bones all of his sober companions. Those in glass houses, Brandon. Mike tries to give Brandon money for his piano lessons but he says, yeah, I’m not so much into the piano thing anymore, I’m more into being a creepy brooder. Mike pushes back but Brandon convinces him he’s just burnt out and needs a break. Also, I’m channeling all my feelings into stupid decisions these days so I don’t really have anything left for music.
Callie and Mariana walk into a halls of school and find Chase and Kelsey close talking. Mariana snarls about Kelsey and then changes her tune when she worries what she might be telling Chase. Callie says “welcome to the wrong side of the tracks, kiddo.” Zach walks up and asks if Mariana is going to the cast party. She isn’t sure but he makes it clear he doesn’t care about the party, he just wants to hang with her. Ambiguously gay Zach, you’re a keeper so you’re for sure never getting the girl.
Jude gets a candy bar that’s half his size with another word taped to it. Maybe he’ll have a Spencer Hastings fever dream and we’ll get Stef and Lena sexy times. Callie and Brandon meet in the middle of the hallway. She says she’s great and he looks like she just kicked him in the nuts (not that I am rooting for anyone to do that to him). She heads to class and he walks off all sulky.
Mike is on the phone with piano man and is leaving a frantic message about whether he should be worried about Brandon quitting or not. I also try to get my parenting advice from strangers rather than talk to my kids’ other mom, it tends to work out well.
Brandon is sitting on the beach listening to music when he gets smacked in the head by a boomerang. A wallaby and a kangaroo hop by and deliver Vico, the dude who cold-cocked Jesus during school sanctioned hazing. Vico sits down and offers Brandon a hit off his joint and then asks how Brandon can be ditching class when his mom is the vice principal. Then he asks if Callie really ran away with Wyatt and Brandon gets pissed about it because everyone should know the true story of their epic love that drove her to flee the jurisdiction. Mini-Karofsky tells Brandon he’s buying the beer for a party and Brandon should come and blow off some of the steam that is leaking out of his ear like some kind of Looney Toon. Brandon checks out the guy’s fake ID and Vico says he can hook Brandon up with one. This guy knocked your brother out, he is not a friend for you, Brandon.
Jude and Connor are sitting having lunch when a girl drops off two cupcakes, each with a word on top. Connor gets mad when he finds out that cupcake girl knows that the next day is Jude’s birthday and he doesn’t. Jude tells him that his birth certificate is wrong and that he and Callie kept his real birthday a secret so they could have a thing that was just for them. Connor is all “nice story dude, but can I eat the cupcakes?” Jude wants to follow procedure so they can preserve the evidence and solve the mystery (come on, how great would Stef and Lena look in black and white?). Connor takes a picture with his phone and they dig into the desserts. Looks like A ships Connor and Jude, too.
Mariana finds Brandon at a table and asks how things are going at Mike’s. Brandon tells her about the new girlfriend and Mariana says well his life is pretty shitty so maybe he deserves a girlfriend. She blames herself for everything that happens and wonders if she should talk to Ana. In the only sensible thing Brandon does all evening he tells her not to and she says “you’re right, she’d only ask me for more money.” A tiny lightbulb goes off and Brandon scurries home to grab a wad of cash from his bedroom.
On his way out he runs into Stef, who has come home to change out of her uniform before she talks to the DA. Brandon asks if it’s all going to go away and she says “sure, it’s just politics.” You two are both terrible liars. Down in the kitchen, Connor and Jude rip apart the kitchen looking for more clues and then try to work out what the message means. They rearrange candy and household objects until the message makes zero sense.
Chase is walking along when Mariana catches up to him and blathers on about the hat and stolen merchandise and Kelsey. He’s like, I only missed you working on the play and your smile and the way you fawn all over me. See you at the cast party? She smiles and promises to be there.
Stef is being sworn into her deposition. She states her name “Stef Foster” oh man, there’s her first lie. Has everyone forgotten she and Lena changed their names? Does “no hyphen” ring a bell? Anyway, they come to the part where she has to corroborate her earlier testimony or come clean and of course she tells the truth.
Meanwhile at a diner on the corner, Brandon orders two coffees, and one is for Ana. Brandon has graduated from lying and stealing money from his dad to witness- tampering and suborning perjury. He tells Ana that if she ever wants to have a chance to have Mariana and Jesus forgive her she better tell the DA she was with Jesus at the shelter and not at the house when the shooting happened. When she says “But if I do that they might cut off my food stamps,” he hands her a wad of cash. I’m sure this all going to end well. Well, if it all goes as badly as possible maybe we can send him to Girls United. I think a dose of Rita could work wonders on this guy.Mariana is outlining all the reasons why Lena should let her go to the cast party. The words “I want to hook up with Chase” do not pass her lips. However, she goes into a full PowerPoint presentation about how she needs chances to prove how trustworthy she is and if Callie is going to make friends she needs to get out of the house. Lena sighs and says she’ll talk it over with Stef.
Jude calls Callie over to ask if there are more clues. She says what clues would those be, young sir? He says are there thirteen? She smirks and says “Maybe. Did you figure out what it says?” Aha! He’s got her cornered. Except them she says “Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.” Okay Sir Didymus, time to mount your trusty steed and to get to the bottom of the mystery.
In the kitchen the moms are going over the worst case scenario. if Stef loses her job they won’t have a baby. Hmm, did they decide they were having a baby? Maybe we missed that very important decision because of all of Brandon’s truly fascinating bad decisions. Mariana walks in and asks if they have talked about it and can she go to the cast party. Stef sighs and rolls her eyes because when you’re a parent it’s never about your shit, it all cast parties and foster siblings making out. Mike walks in floating on air because Ana recanted her testimony and he’s in the clear. Stef’s like “Are you kidding me? I might lose my job for nothing!” But yeah, good for you, Mike. Brandon bops in and is like “Ana recanted? That is brand new information.” Lena goes for some bubbly to celebrate. Know where that would be great? In the tub with your wife.
But no time for the moms because of Brandon, of course. Piano man calls Brandon to find out why his dad thinks he’s just stopping now when he’s actually not been going for some undefined amount of time. Brandon asks piano man to give him some time to tell his dad and Mariana walks in and demands to know everything. She tells him it’s a good thing he didn’t actually spend the money, particularly not on something that is a felony, and can just give the money back. Bad decisions lead to more bad decisions. Do these kids not watch television? This Pretty Little Liars 101. I don’t buy it. Stef and Lena totally #BooRadleyVanCullen.
At the small, intimate cast party gathering of one hundred people, Callie is a little bewildered both by the size of the party and the kegs rolling by. Zach tells her that there are only four people in the cast so that wouldn’t be much of a party. Mariana runs along to drool over Chase and leaves Callie to apologize for messing up his public pining over Mariana. Meanwhile Mariana is stroking Chase’s ego and telling him how brilliant he was in the play and he honestly says “I always wanted to change lives.” Kelsey appears with a couple of beers and heckles Mariana for her poor history of getting drunk at parties. Chase scurries away and Kelsey and Mariana go a few rounds before Zach shows up and makes a crack about a catfight. Mariana tells him he’s being sexist before stomping off. High five to the feminist moms!
Brandon arrives and makes his way to the kitchen where he finds Callie and Vico. He is indignant that Callie is not home weeping into her pillow. She explains she’s there with Mariana and he’s like what is my sister doing here? She tells him that this party is the cast party and he can’t believe it. Vico gives him a beer and Callie hurries away from Brandon and his simmering crazy. Vico asks Brandon if he’s staring at Callie’s ass like that because he has a thing for her but Brandon switches topics and asks when he can get his fake ID. Vico says they can make the IDs at school because they have access to the ID maker in Lena’s office. Brandon says “isn’t that (and everything else I’ve done so far today) a felony?”
Talya walks over and gives Mariana a hug and some boy advice. She tells her about that one time when she wanted to get with a boy and she took off her underpants and put them in his front pocket. Mariana is horrified but not as much as I am and asks if this story involves her sulky older brother. Talya gives a smirk and walks away. Excuse me while I go take a shower.
Talya walks into the kitchen and has a friendly chat with Brandon about what a loser he is for following Callie around like a puppy. He flips and tells her off. He tells her all about how they kissed and how Callie ran away so Jude would still get adopted and how they only reason they aren’t humping on top of the keg right now is because she needs a family more than a boyfriend. Stay classy, Brandon.
Chase is stuffing his face with pizza when Mariana walks up and slips her underpants in his vest pocket and tells him that if he’s interested in a tea party and some stimulating conversation she’ll be upstairs waiting.
Back at the Adams Foster home, Stef opens the door and lets Captain Roberts in. Roberts says the charges against Mike were dropped but the DA sent over the deposition of Stef’s testimony. Stef looks a little panicky until Roberts says that the weirdest thing happened and she couldn’t open the deposition. She warns Stef that she and Mike better be on their best behavior or they will be in big trouble. Yeah, so maybe keep an eye on the delinquent son of yours. Stef and Lena celebrate by putting on a little Al Green and trying to get Lena pregnant. (Fine, but let’s just pretend that happened).
Back at the rager, Mariana is preparing to get a little more intimate with Chase in an upstairs bedroom when Zach comes in. He tries to tell her something but Chase interrupts. Zach tells Mariana that Callie is looking for her and Chase pulls out Mariana’s underpants and says “I do believe these are yours.” Mariana, you need to watch more “classic” movies. If you are going to give away your underpants (which you really shouldn’t) you’re better off giving them to the king of the dipshits after he sings you a happy birthday song in the auto shop room. Seriously.
Meanwhile, Talya walks up to Callie and starts yelling at her for being a whore and a liar and tells everyone they should watch their back around Callie. Callie stands there and doesn’t say anything back because she’s got Daphne and Kiara and Cole and Rita in her head all telling her to make better choices.
Back upstairs Mariana and Chase are making out when he starts to undo his pants. She stops him and he gets annoyed because obviously if a girl puts her panties in your pocket she’s consenting to sex. Nope. He laughs at Mariana and calls her a “tease” and is a total asshole. Mariana sticks to her guns and doesn’t cave to his manipulation. No, means no, you douche bag.
Outside the party Callie is pacing and waiting for Mariana when Brandon comes out and sees her. He asks if Talya said something and then is ready to go after Talya. Dude, stop trying to fix things. You suck at it. He tells Callie that he told Talya about them because his wittle feewings were hurt by everyone thinking Callie ran off with Wyatt. He says “I was stupid.” Stupid is forgetting your list before you go to the store. Stupid is putting salt in your coffee instead of sugar. This is no longer in the universe of stupid. Actually, no. Saying something stupid to an ex at a party is stupid and teenagery. But tampering with a witness, violating a restraining order, suborning perjury? Those are no longer stupid. Those are criminal. Anyway, he’s pissed because it seems so easy for Callie. She sets him straight that she’s not having an easy time but that it will get better. Mariana appears and asks Brandon to drive them home. Oh good call! Let’s have the only one of you who was drinking at the party get behind the wheel.
Need a palate cleanser? How about Callie pouncing on Jude and saying “Wake up, wake up it’s your birthday?” Yeah it totally worked for me too. She hands him his final clue, a copy of Hansel and Gretel that their mom used to read to them. The last line of the book is the answer to all the birthday breadcrumbs she left him. “Then all anxiety was at an end, and they lived together in perfect happiness.” Cute sentiment but come on, “perfect happiness”? You know what they say about tempting the fates. I mean Jesus is probably dead already. No one has seen him for a week. She drags him out of bed to go find “happiness” down stairs. And who should be waiting along with his clue but his entire family (minus possibly dead, definitely missing, Jesus). Jude asks Callie about telling everyone about his secret birthday and she says no more secrets, we have a family now. They sing happy birthday to little Judicorn and offer him a stack of tear inducing pancakes.
While everyone celebrates, Brandon steals the key to Lena’s office. Looks like he’s not ready to stop making bad choices. Have fun in Litchfield buddy.
