“Couples Therapy” recap (4.7): I was walking with a Ghost

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Morning muggles and happy Valentine’s Day! My Valentine is Ever, the Guatemalan mechanic with whom I spent my morning. Ever and I have a friendship based on me giggling and hugging and him discounting my auto repair costs by over 50%. Now I’m back and ready to tuck into another gripping episode of Couples Therapy. Allez vous!

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Last time on Couples Therapy,  Kelsey came face to face with Ghost’s other woman, and Ghost sputters some serious disrespect. Kelsey finally stood up for herself and stormed out. On last night’s episode, the session continued after Kelsey walked away.

Taylor and Dr. Jen comfort Kelsey in her room, and Kelsey alternates between total devastation and raw fury. Dr. Jen reminds Kelsey that she deserves better than crumbs of Ghost’s love. Taylor scuttles away after feigning a human amount of sympathy. Kelsey, very maturely, wants to have a one-on-one, woman-to-woman talk with Latrice. Latrice is strangely blank. Dr. Jen asks Ghost to leave Latrice and Kelsey alone, and Kelsey re-enters the therapy room.

Kelsey speaks very clearly and wisely about Ghost’s flaws and charm, and observes that Latrice and Kelsey probably fell for Ghost for many of the same reasons. Perhaps most astonishingly and kind of all, Kelsey apologizes for being the other woman to Latrice, as Latrice was the other woman to Kelsey.

Kelsey: Crumbs of somebody’s love is not enough. We deserve the whole cake. We really do. You do. You don’t gotta worry about him and me no more. That’s for damn sure.

Kelsey is getting freakin glib. At first I thought Kelsey was a little dumb, but she’s not. Not even a little.

Dr. Jen decides to break the ice with a fun activity: compatibility quizzes! A couple stern-faced “dating experts” from Plenty of Fish are here to help our celebs discover if they’re compatible on paper. Everyone gets a tablet (very modern), spreads out, and takes a dating profile quiz. Jon Gosselin is a total deb about it, but Sada and Taylor are psyched because they love quizzes. Lonely Farrah fills out an online dating profile so Dr. Jen can assess her ability to screen. Sada went overboard with the white eyeliner tonight.

Taylor and white boy John go first: both have a high degree of dependency in relationships and get the green COMPATIBLE verdict. Taylor feels validated. Next up is Ghost and Kelsey: they have compatible interests based on their mutual music careers. However, when it comes to “intent,” the two are not compatible. Because Kelsey wants relationship and Ghost is more interested in something casual, the duo are ruled a red lined INCOMPATIBLE.

To Farrah! Farrah wrote about wanting to get married on her profile, which is coming on way too strong, and blonde dating expert diplomatically suggests that Farrah “not lead with that.” Whitney and Sada are up, and their first match criteria is: self-control. These are Whitney and Sada’s expressions when Dr. Jen brings up “self control.”

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Side note: It has come to my attention that Whitney Mixter is a stray dog. Karman directed my attention to this AE reader comment from our most recent Couples Therapy video post:

so, is whitney’s hair falling out at the sides from her dreads pulling at her scalp? It doesn’t looked shaved. i’ve seen that happen to severely matted dogs in the shelter i volunteer at.

Is that what’s happening? Is Whitney Mixter, celesbian, molting into Whitney Mixter, matted stray? Do we have any hair dressers or veterinarians among the AE commentariat who might shed some light on the question?

Blonde dating expert: You both have low self-control. Usually similarities are good in a relationship, but when it comes to self-control, this could be an issue.

Whitney: I was thinking about like, dessert, not infidelity or drugs.

Whitney would never cheat or do drugs, just the occasional Sprinkles run. ;)

BULLSHIT

Dr. Jen: Self-control doesn’t necessarily mean fidelity. Sometimes with you guys, self-control is not saying something in a moment of haste that shouldn’t be said.

In the big reveal, Whitney and Sada are deemed compatible.

Whitney: Sada and I take these types of compatibility quizzes at any time to sort of reassure ourselves, so this comes as no surprise.

Aw that’s actually really sweet and very gay. I totally love those types of quizzes too. Best part of Cosmo. Other than Trish Bendix of course.

Jon Gosselin and Liz both show “low family orientation,” which is kinda awkward considering Jon has eight kids who volleyed him to tabloid fodder. But also makes sense considering any tabloid fodder I’ve ever read concerning Jon Gosselin. Liz is pissed. Hilariously, the only compatibility the dating experts can find between Liz and Jon is drinking and smoking aka “habits.” Liz is like “whatever dude” like a massive lesbo, and they’re ruled incompatible.

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Both Jon and Liz get super sullen and offended. Jon and Liz think they’ve been set up by people trying to break them up. I can see why the show would want to start drama, but I can’t see why anyone at VH1 would personally oppose and want to sabotage them as a couple.

Whitney and Sada, fellow occasional smokers, kick it over a cig with the bitter, venting couple. Jon monologues about the vast television conspiracy to trap/sabotage him. He threatens to quit and accuses Dr. Jen to her FACE of setting him up. Dr. Jen vehemently denies any falsehoods. She immediately shuts down Jon’s panic, and he ends up apologizing for overreacting.

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Ghost and Latrice have a private session with Dr. Jen to discuss their relationship. Kelsey continues to feel empathy, not anger, towards Latrice. Latrice tells Ghost to get his stuff, because she’s ready to move forward with her life. Latrice must be super Botoxed up because her face hasn’t moved this entire episode. Ghost tries to get romantic about how Latrice smells but comes off like a creepy vagrant. Ghost tries every line, every sweet nothing at his disposal to stop Latrice from leaving. She won’t even allow herself a hug. Latrice is iron.

Why do the celebs feel so much empathy toward Jon Gosselin? I literally feel no empathy towards Jon Gosselin. I am incapable of empathy towards Jon Gosselin, for no specific reason, he just has an unlikable face. It’s evening, and Whitney and Sada are smoking with Jon as per usual. Taylor is wasted And doling out unwanted advice as per usual. Taylor slurs straight up “I don’t like the way Liz treats you. When I think of how she called you a pussy, I can’t even stand to look at you in the face.” Ouch. Jon takes Liz aside to tell her what just went down. Liz and Jon go outside to confront the other housemates. Taylor and white boy John prattle on, then Sada takes the talking stick. Everyone tells Liz that she treats Jon like shit.

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Liz: People in the house are horrendous. I fucking hate them.

And the night goes to Liz.

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