“Two and a Half Men” recap (11.14): Define Gold Star

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Sup, slunt punters? Two And A Half Men aired last night, as TAHM  is wont to do, and I am going to recap, as I am wont to do. Sorry if I’m not super funny today, I’m typing with my brand new LESBIAN-THEMED NAIL ART for a rad AE nail piece that you will read and adore next week. There’s going to be a poll involved. Anyway,  it’s hard to focus on self-expression when I have little pink nipples on my pinkies. Ha. Nipples. That low-brow sensibility is probably why I was given TAHM men to recap. They know me.

The episode opens with Alan and his lying blonde lady lover in the boudoir. “Gross,” we all say to ourselves in unison. Alan comes out in balloon undies, rose clenched between his thin lips. There’s a happy anniversary balloon on Alan’s ass. It’s the anniversary of the first time Lindsay and Alan first cheated on Lindsay’s husband together.

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Back in Malibu, Jenny and her new gf are cooking in the kitchen. Walden enters gayly. The lesbians are having a game night.

Jenny: We like Monopoly, Backgammon, Hungry Hungry Lesbos.

Brooke: It’s like Hungry Hungry Hippos, but we don’t eat balls.

Is this what straight men think lesbians talk like? Oh Christ it is. Alan walks in. Walden invites Alan to join him at the movies. Alan declines grossly because he’s having a drink with his girlfriend’s boyfriend. Berta comes in and tells Walden he has a flat tire. Brooke, Jenny, and Walden go stare at Walden’s flat tire. Brooke gets all dykey about fixing flat tires while wearing a tight leopard print top sand bragging about her double Ds. Jesus. Really? REALLY? Lesbianism for male consumption: a non original CBS production. Brooke starts changing the tire and mentions a past boyfriend.

Jenny: What?! I thought you were a gold star.

Walden: What’s a gold star?

Jenny: It’s a lesbian who’s never slept with a guy.

And  now middle America learns something new about lesbian terminology. Hurrah!

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Brooke implies Walden is not a guy’s guy. Jenny and Brooke tease Walden, and he feels emasculated. I sense hilarity ensuing when Walden attempts to prove his manliness and fails. Cut to an even less manly man: Alan, who is having drinks with Lindsay’s boyfriend.  Alan plays the role of Jeff Strongman, Larry’s imaginary biffle. Larry confides to Alan that he’s having issues with Lindsay. Specifically, Lindsay dumped him. So a major issue really. Alan tries to contain his glee, and then his confusion. You see, Larry tells Alan that Lindsay dumped him two weeks ago. Yet Lindsay told Alan she was hanging out with Larry just the other night. What could be going on in that saucy minx’s mind?

Malibu: Walden is lightly dabbing a tea bag in a pastel bug and asking Berta if he’s a “man’s man.” Berta is like “no” because Berta speaks truth. Later, Jenny and Brooke snuggle adorably on the couch, watching TV. Brooke is wearing yet another v-neck sleeveless shirt that a lesbian would never, ever wear. Jenny is covered up as usual, probably because she’s not stick skinny with a huge rack and therefore unworthy of everyman, Arkansas’s ogle. Walden struts in wearing red plaid, a leather tool belt, and a bright yellow hardhat. The lesbians mock Walden as he miserably gnaws on chewin’ tobacco and tries to “level” the end table. The end table collapses. APPLAUSE IN THE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

Back to Alan! Lindsay is liquored up and ready to get it in, yet Alan remains uncharacteristically unmoved in the trouser snake department. He confronts Lindsay about Larry. Lindsay tells Alan that she didn’t tell him because she doesn’t want to get back together.

Lindsay: This is why I’ve been avoiding this conversation; you don’t want to get married, and I don’t want to be with you unless we do.

Lindsay wants all or nothing, then bids Alan a stern farewell. Alan, shell-shocked, reluctantly leaves Lindsay’s home. Then knocks and asks for breakup sex.

Back to Malibu: Walden is bent under the kitchen sink like a gay porno, ready for entry. Berta admires Walden’s posterior. Walden puts on a faux country accent and offers to fix anything, anything at all. Berta leaves. Alan comes. Walden offers Alan advice about  Lindsay with a woodworking metaphor. Then whips out a birdhouse. Alan, aka Jeff Strongman, meets up with Larry at a strip club to leer their sorrows away. When Alan tells Larry about his lady woes, Larry encourages Alan “not to make the same mistake he did” and win his girl back with an offer of marriage.

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Later: Jenny wears a patterned one piece and sarong to conceal her hideous, non-size zero form. Brooke’s tits are out and ready to rumble in a hot pink bikini. Walden is on the deck sawing things in his big boy hardhat and tool belt. Brooke is wearing a very non-lesbianish rhinestone dangle belly button ring. Walden starts mansplaining his work in that charming new “rural idiot” accent.

Brooke: You’ve got to stop building stuff. You were right, I would totally sleep with you if I was straight.

Ugh. Don’t humor them, Brooke. Brooke and Jenny lumber off, Walden accidentally sands his knuckle and squeals in pain. Alan runs in and tells Walden he’s going to ask Lindsay to marry him. Walden offers Alan a ring to use. Excitement.

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Later, Alan arrives at Lindsay’s door wearing an attractive poop brown blazer. Lindsay opens the door and, oh no, Larry’s already there! Larry offers Alan a drink and proposes to Lindsay with a ring in the bottom of her wine glass. Then Larry offers Alan some words of comfort:

“Whoever that woman who rejected you is, she’s a dumb slut.”

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