Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Tippi the Bird rose from the ashes a triumphant phoenix, gnawing on a turkey leg and crowing an endless sonata of phone numbers. Emily refused to talk to Spencer after she biffed up her midnight warehouse meeting with Ali, but ultimately relented when the school came to life and tried to murder her and her dad. Hanna learned to read and became an immediate super spy, which was fun and all, until A drugged her and drilled a warning message into her teeth. And Spencer went on an Adderall bender culminating in the discovery that Ezra Fitzgerald drinks the exact same beer and eats the exact same pie as Board Shorts. Because he’s Board Shorts. Which Ali named him because of the beer he drinks. Which also is called Board Shorts.
Alison DiLaurentis is living in a phone booth now, which would be weird for any other teenager in 2014, but not for Ali who has demonstrated multiple times that she has the ability to warp through time and space at her leisure. She calls up Shana Costumeshop in present day Rosewood and tells her to get the goods from you know who if she knows what’s good for her. The phone booth at the Brew is positively vibrating with psychotic lesbian energy when the Liars walk in, and that’s how come Emily knows Shana was talking to Ali when she emerges from it. Shana tells her to buckle down and hush her gorgeous mouth and Ali will contact her when she’s ready.
Also vibrating is Spencer, who has not slept in three days, it looks like. She’s not going Radley levels of nuts; her hair is shrinking instead of growing—but she’s looking pretty scozzled. Hanna notices how her body is pulsating mania, so she takes away her coffee. The debrief today is: Emily’s dad is going to be fine. He just needs some rest and for A to stop poisoning him. Hanna has decided that A menacing one of them inside their mouths means it’s time to stop digging for answers about Ali, period. Also, Spencer wants to know if any one has any ideas about who could have attacked Emily at school? Aria, any ideas? Aria, do you think you could ask Ezra if he knows who might have done it? Aria, do you know where Ezra was when it was happening? Aria has no idea where Ezra was! And by “Ezra,” she assumes you mean “Mr. Fitz” because he is nothing more than her English teacher now! Spencer’s face is twitching so bad by the time they’re finished downloading the daily intel.
She heads home and goes on another all night sleuthing spree in one of the most slickly edited scenes of this whole show (which is full of slick editing that you never even notice because good editors are invisible). Spencer’s montages, even the ones where she’s sobbing her soul out, always have the most apt lyrics. Remember that one that when she was crying about Toby being A and the song was like, “Love, come out, come out, wherever you are!” when we know exactly how Spencer feels about hide and seek? Anyway, this AWOLNATION song is about sailing into the dark and deciding not to cry for help, which you can go ahead and blame on her ADD, baby. All this while she’s tripping balls on Ritalin. She pulls back the blinds and is shocked to find it’s morning so she texts Andrew to ask for some more drugs and he tells her he’s all tapped out.
At Rosewood High, Ezra kicks up his creep factor even higher. He reported the break-in at his cabin and the cops said it was definitely either vagrants or teenagers looking to party, both of which are half-true, really, when you think about it. But it’s safe now. There’s still no 4G or WiFi out there. And he’d really like for Aria to come spend the whole weekend with him so he doesn’t have to Cousin Nate her. Aria feels a little weird about leaving town because Mona is going to murder Mike any day now and her mom is still living large at Donut Castle in Austria and Bryon is god knows where. Back with Meredith probably. Ezra goes, “Listen, now. I don’t know what this new deal is with you not devoting your every waking thought to our relationship, but I need to reprogram you, so you’re coming to my cabin in the woods.” She agrees it’s a good idea.
Now that everyone knows it was Cece Drake and not Ashley Marin who offed Officer Wilden, Hanna can have her mom and her shoes back. Officer Holbrook makes quite a show of giving them to her and even offers her some new book recommendations. But she’s got her hands full with the murder mystery that is her life, so thanks but no thanks. Holbrook is all, “Speaking of which, Cece Drake has gone full Carmen Sandiego. You wouldn’t happen to have seen her or any mannequin legs lying around?” Hanna can’t hear him over the sound of her own squealing because if she can’t have the arms of the boy she loves wrapped around her body, at least she can have the leather of a pair of thousand-dollar Blahniks wrapped around her feet.