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“The Fosters” recap (1.14): “I must not throw books at Jesus”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon walked right through that restraining order to show Callie his bonsai tree. Mariana and Kelsey feuded over Aaron Samuels. After he confirmed that it was October 3, Mariana kissed him full on the mouth while Regina and Ducky watched from the wings. Mariana ended up suspended for that time she sold ADHD meds to Spencer Hastings. Marilla Adams Foster lectured Matthew on the merits of tough love before showing up at Girls United with a rake, 20 pounds of brown sugar, and a dress with the puffiest of puffed sleeves. Lena worried about Stef’s first day back and took it out on Buddy Garrity who thought it was pretty fun to have Jesus get punched in the face. And in the wayback machine, Lena’s ex Gretchen stirred up trouble when she reminded Lena about that time they hunted for sperm on the internet, just for funsies. Mike failed in his attempt to recreate “Greased Lightning” in the Adams Foster driveway with Lena’s Volvo.

Brandon picks up his phone and sees 17 texts from Callie telling him to leave her alone and so he dials her because he figures maybe this time “No” means “Please call and leave me an emotional voicemail.” Down in the kitchen, Stef has reported for egg duty and by that I mean she’s wearing her uniform and ovaries across America are exploding. Jesus jogs in and says he will have three blueberries and a glass of water because Lena yelled at his coach and got him benched. Stef defends Lena’s honor and reminds Jesus that he got punched in his face. While he jabbers on about cutting weight Mariana laments the cages on the chickens who laid her eggs and whines about not being able to go to school and see Chase. Jesus reminds her that Chase doesn’t care whether she was suspended or sent to Jupiter.

Lena walks in and tells Stef they are going to have to carpool because she’s off to see a doctor about what’s under her hood and since Mike never knew what to do under the hood her car is still in the driveway, no closer to ignition than it was a month ago. Jude scurries around cleaning up after everyone else before Stef and Lena tell him that they want to adopt him, no matter what Callie decides she wants. They ask if he wants to be adopted even if Callie doesn’t with all the nervousness of a high schooler asking a pretty girl to the prom.

Across town, Rita is showing Daphne where she’s going to live after she leaves Girls United. While Rita talks responsibilities and how to make good decisions with Daphne, Callie scampers off to find a landline so she can call Brandon. Rita can feel a disturbance in the force and catches Callie with the phone. Callie lies and says she read about these rotary phones in history class and was just doing a bit of research, you know checking it out for Arthur Weasley, when Rita walked in. Rita smiles and says right “muggle artifacts.”

Jesus dumps out his lunch and Emma walks by and gives him a shirt wedgie. She teases him for wearing a garbage bag to cut weight (can you imagine anything that smells worse than a teenage boy wearing a garbage bag?). She take a seat and his lunch and digs in while extolling her virtues as an awesome chick who doesn’t play mind games and who enjoys dijon mustard on a lesbian made sandwich.

Lena Adams Foster is sitting in a johnny at the gyno’s office. I think they design the things so no one looks good because if every patient sat there looking like that a lot more doctors would get into sketchy Wren of Rosewood type situations and fall in love with their patients. The doctor jokes about how insane they are to have five teenagers and Lena laughs and says, “So, can I have a baby?” Lena explains that she used to want to get pregnant and then she met Stef, who already had Brandon and was more than a handful of trouble herself, and then they adopted the twins and now there are two more and that dream got pushed aside. Now she just wants to know if it’s still possible for her to pass on her perfect genes.

Jesus is texting with Emma about whether or not he’s still starving himself. She’s the helpful sort that texts him pictures of herself eating a hamburger, fries, and a milkshake. Jesus, marry this girl. In the middle of this, Lexi texts from Honduras with a picture of herself and Jesus takes it upon himself to send her a little Anthony Weiner-inspired selfie of his own. In the middle of this pandering to the teenage girls in the audience, Judicorn walks into his own room and is like, “Put some pants on. We need to talk about sexting.” Whoops, in the middle of yelling at Jude it seems Jesus sent his naked selfie to Emma. Jesus tells Jude that when he puts a hat on the doorknob it means he’s taking some “Jesus time” with his knob. Jude giggles and says he knows what Jesus time means.

Lena pulls up from the doctor and Stef is tending to her bush. Lena pulls off the telltale signs of a blood test because egads! no one has ever had a blood test at the doctor’s before and that would give it all away. When Stef asks how it was, Lena cracks that she got more action at the gyno than she has from Stef in their awful bed lately. They kiss until Stef’s dad arrives bearing the gift of hybrid. He tries to offer them the car, he does an entire commercial for the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA where he tells them all the things it can do. He touts the size of the backseat because he knows it’s the only place these two get laid. He leaves out how hackable the GPS is but he wants to offer it as a wedding present. He and Stef bicker about the car and the wedding and that time she hugged her friend and he sent her to the priest and that time she disinvited him to her wedding. He’s trying, he says, he wants to make it better, he says. But Stef’s too stubborn to let a car smooth over everything that has gone on for the past two decades. Lena’s like, “Honey, can’t we just try out the backseat?”

At Girls United, Callie and Cole are chatting about family day. Callie lists of the 47 people who will be coming to see her and to shower her with love and affection. Cole asks about Brandon and Callie gets all snippy about how Cole stole her contraband phone that she was using to text her foster brother who, by the way, is ordered to stay at least 100 feet away from her at all times because love means court ordered separation.

Lena and Stef are sitting in bed the size of the Titanic reading. Lena twists her hair up and tries to start a conversation with Stef about her gynecologist. Look, maybe it’s not the sexiest thing, but they’ve been together for how long? Subtle isn’t always the way to go. She says their gyno got their Christmas card and was sorry she couldn’t make to the wedding. Just as Lena is working up the courage to tell Stef about her biological clock Brandon knocks on the door. You’re killing me, Smalls! He tap dances and spins plates in the air and trying to convince the moms that he was just kidding about being in love with Callie. What does love mean anyway? He just really want to put it all behind them so he can get on top of Callie, preferably on family day. The moms send him away but aren’t really buying his act. Stef shuts herself in her sterile, no mating pod and asks Lena what the doctor was saying. Lena pretends she can’t remember. Use your words, Lena.

The next morning the girls are giving Callie grief about her boyfriend/foster brother coming to visit along with her two moms, the twins, Judicorn, and a partridge in a pear tree. They come to the door and everyone gets a hug but Brandon. Rita and Jude can’t believe this shit but neither of them says anything. In the kitchen Callie is fetching a pitcher of water, and catching more grief from the girls. Gabi swaggers in and wants to know who the hottie is in the hoodie and they engage in a lighthearted but kind of icky game called, “Which brother would you rather date?” Mariana asks Callie questions that suggest that she used her suspension to watch Orange is the New Black and take copious notes. They grab lunch and Callie follows Jude out to the porch. He says, “Look, I know your whole deal is that you push people away but I never thought you would push me away.” Callie was just trying to protect him, she wanted him to get adopted. He says he is getting adopted, with or without her, and she ‘s like oh that’s great, my dipshit plan is working.

Inside Rita sidles up to Stef and Lena and asks why they got a restraining order against their own kid if they were just going to help him violate it on family day. Valid question Rita. If Callie is going to come home they need to stop with all the pining and brooding so the moms figured why not see if they can trust old creeper or not. Rita says, yeah maybe you want to check with Callie because she applied to live on her own. Mariana is thrilled to be talking to girls her own age and is busy quizzing Kiara, Daphne, and Becca about their future plans.

Becca has plans like a 10-year-old: “I’m going to be a marine biologist, and a zoo keeper, and an astronaut, and save all the dogs in shelters.” Callie swings by to grab the plates and then pulls her ear, pats her head, and otherwise signals Brandon to come to the kitchen like she’s giving him the bunt signal. Subtle she is not. Brandon asks why she’s breaking up with him and she looks at him like a regular Paige McCullers and says, “Are you drunk?” The moms break up this moment and Brandon says they were just talking with their lips two inches apart, like siblings do.

Lena, bless her gorgeous face and otherwise whip smart mind, fundamentally misunderstands the idea of a restraining order and tells them talking is a-OK. Stef asks Callie about her foolish plan to live on her own and Callie gives a speech about how it’s just time and that she’s grateful for everything they did for her and for adopting Jude. Stef turns and asks Brandon if this idiocy is his doing, because the odds are good when something stupid is happening he’s involved. But this time he’s actually not involved, just enjoying the mental image of Callie with her own place.

Back at home, Stef is completely flabbergasted by why a sixteen-year-old girl would do something so stupid for a boy. Stef might have run away from home for Winnie Cooper, but Brandon? Really? Upstairs Jude is locked out of his room for Jesus time. He takes a seat outside the door and unfurls a dozen cheese sticks and gets to work.

Callie is taking out the trash when she hears a rustling in the bushes. Cole bangs around and makes noise like he’s trying to break up Emily’s date with Alison before emerging from the bushes. Callie calls him out for texting Brandon and Cole says it’s for her own good. She tells him that he either gives her the phone or she tells Rita about Cole’s drug use. Cole hands over the phone.

Back at the house, Jude has read five of the seven Harry Potter books and is so fired up about Sirius dying that he decides to storm his room. He finds Jesus talking to Emma on the computer and loses it. He yells at Jesus for locking him out so he could have a conversation with a girl. In my favorite pissed-off toss since Paige spiked her Chinese food, Jude chucks a book at his head. The moms heard the shouting and show up just in time before the moms appear. Jude tells them that Jesus kept him out of the room so he could have “Jesus time” and Stef nearly cracks. They take Jude out with them but Stef can’t keep it together and smirks at Jesus as they leave.

Down in the kitchen the moms tell Jude that he can’t be fucking with Harry Potter and if he wants to toss a book at Jesus he should use like a dictionary or something. He promises not to do it again. After he leaves, the moms give up trying not to laugh and celebrate the fact that Jude called it “his room” and that he fought with Jesus like real brothers do, dirty and with whatever they have at hand. They celebrate this moment with a squeal and a hug. Nothing makes a parent prouder that a younger sibling popping an older one in the face for the first time.

Back at Girls United, Callie pulled laundry duty with Alex Vause and is folding her delicates when Cole walks in. He explains that he wasn’t trying to score Adderall to up his test scores or to help him figure out who A is. He was trying to get back on hormones. Callie asks why he doesn’t get them from a doctor and he laughs because his parents won’t help him. They don’t want anything to do with him unless he starts acting like a girl. Callie wants to know if the drugs are safe but says she’ll let Cole use her phone to get them when he needs to.

The next morning Callie, Kiara, and Daphne are cleaning up Daphne’s new apartment when Brandon shows up with Callie’s guitar. Rita doesn’t miss a thing so I am sure Callie will be able to show up to the house with a guitar and no one will bat an eyelash. Daphne and Kiara leave for a few minutes, but not before giving Brandon some of the best side-eye ever. Callie starts to tell Brandon how she will do her apartment differently and where he’ll put his keyboard. He’s like “I know where I’d like to put my keyboard.” Ick. He grabs her guitar and starts singing which I know is suppose to be sweet and all the straight teenage girls probably screamed like the first time The Beatles were on Ed Sullivan but no, just no. Callie clearly digs it because she jumps Ross Gellar right there in the dirty floor.

When they get back to the house Cole is being taken to the hospital by ambulance. He injected the hormones and then had a seizure and hit his head. Rita is shaken and yells at the girls before getting in the ambulance with Shawson. In group, the other girls drop the hammer on Callie. She says she’s just like them and that none of them want to be there. That may be true, but she’s the only one with a family that wants her.

Back at home Lena is browsing the interwebs for a used car. She finds one that might work, it even has anchors for a baby seat. Stef laughs because having a baby is just so damn absurd. The next one is a minivan and while there appears to be no limit on the number of kids these two would like minivans are forbidden. Lena smiles and suggests they take the free car from Stef’s dad. Stef jumps on that idea and shuts it down as hard as she can. The ship has sailed on forgiving her father. Lena says, “You know, Coach, intolerance is a two way thing.” Stef stands up and stomps around and waves her pain in Lena’s face. He hurt me and it’s too late! Lena tries to give Stef a sense of the other perspective but Stef doesn’t want to see it so she snaps at Lena and stalks off. This is how they work. Lena plants the seeds and Stef grumbles and stomps and rejects the idea out of hand. Give it a minute, she’ll come around after she’s all stomped out and the fog of her simmering hurt clears and she can see what Lena is saying.

Lena starts to follow her but gets a call from the gyno telling her that she can still have babies but should get on that, well, yesterday. Lena says “send over a case or two of prenatal vitamins!” Tina Kennard, back away from the phone, now. No good can come of this!

Back at the group home Callie is sitting on the couch doing homework when Rita comes in and sits down. She’s got Callie’s number, she’s had it probably from day one but she chooses this moment to push. She tells Callie she knows what she’s doing and that she’s trying to keep herself safe by never committing. Callie tries to brush Rita off by accusing her of having an agenda. Rita says she doesn’t care what decision Callie makes as long as she stops making decisions based on fear. Callie does what she does best and walks away.

Callie is sitting on her bed when Rita brings Cole in. Rita tears up looking at Cole with his head wrapped up and tells him she was really scared. I hope Rosie never leaves this show, she is such a lovely addition. When Rita leaves to go get Cole some water he tells Callie that Rita called his parents from the hospital and he really thought that they would show up this time, that this time they would care. This is the stuff that makes it so hard to accept an apology in the form of a car even twenty years down the line. The hurt is so raw and the urge to hurt back so powerful that it can be nearly impossible to let it go because even “I’m sorry” can reopen that wound. Callie marches her ass down the stairs and turns her phone in to Rita with a promise that she wants to be there.

Stef walks into her dad’s house through the dining room where she told him not to come to her wedding, through the kitchen where he told him that she filled her with a lifetime of shame. She calls out to him and smiles when she finds him in front of the television watching a football game. She smiles at him and clicks off the TV before trying to wake him up. But he’s not asleep, he’s dead. She let it marinate too long this time.

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