“The Fosters” recap (1.14): “I must not throw books at Jesus”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon walked right through that restraining order to show Callie his bonsai tree. Mariana and Kelsey feuded over Aaron Samuels. After he confirmed that it was October 3, Mariana kissed him full on the mouth while Regina and Ducky watched from the wings. Mariana ended up suspended for that time she sold ADHD meds to Spencer Hastings. Marilla Adams Foster lectured Matthew on the merits of tough love before showing up at Girls United with a rake, 20 pounds of brown sugar, and a dress with the puffiest of puffed sleeves. Lena worried about Stef’s first day back and took it out on Buddy Garrity who thought it was pretty fun to have Jesus get punched in the face. And in the wayback machine, Lena’s ex Gretchen stirred up trouble when she reminded Lena about that time they hunted for sperm on the internet, just for funsies. Mike failed in his attempt to recreate “Greased Lightning” in the Adams Foster driveway with Lena’s Volvo.

Brandon picks up his phone and sees 17 texts from Callie telling him to leave her alone and so he dials her because he figures maybe this time “No” means “Please call and leave me an emotional voicemail.” Down in the kitchen, Stef has reported for egg duty and by that I mean she’s wearing her uniform and ovaries across America are exploding. Jesus jogs in and says he will have three blueberries and a glass of water because Lena yelled at his coach and got him benched. Stef defends Lena’s honor and reminds Jesus that he got punched in his face. While he jabbers on about cutting weight Mariana laments the cages on the chickens who laid her eggs and whines about not being able to go to school and see Chase. Jesus reminds her that Chase doesn’t care whether she was suspended or sent to Jupiter.

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Lena walks in and tells Stef they are going to have to carpool because she’s off to see a doctor about what’s under her hood and since Mike never knew what to do under the hood her car is still in the driveway, no closer to ignition than it was a month ago. Jude scurries around cleaning up after everyone else before Stef and Lena tell him that they want to adopt him, no matter what Callie decides she wants. They ask if he wants to be adopted even if Callie doesn’t with all the nervousness of a high schooler asking a pretty girl to the prom.

Across town, Rita is showing Daphne where she’s going to live after she leaves Girls United. While Rita talks responsibilities and how to make good decisions with Daphne, Callie scampers off to find a landline so she can call Brandon. Rita can feel a disturbance in the force and catches Callie with the phone. Callie lies and says she read about these rotary phones in history class and was just doing a bit of research, you know checking it out for Arthur Weasley, when Rita walked in. Rita smiles and says right “muggle artifacts.”

Jesus dumps out his lunch and Emma walks by and gives him a shirt wedgie. She teases him for wearing a garbage bag to cut weight (can you imagine anything that smells worse than a teenage boy wearing a garbage bag?). She take a seat and his lunch and digs in while extolling her virtues as an awesome chick who doesn’t play mind games and who enjoys dijon mustard on a lesbian made sandwich.

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Lena Adams Foster is sitting in a johnny at the gyno’s office. I think they design the things so no one looks good because if every patient sat there looking like that a lot more doctors would get into sketchy Wren of Rosewood type situations and fall in love with their patients. The doctor jokes about how insane they are to have five teenagers and Lena laughs and says, “So, can I have a baby?” Lena explains that she used to want to get pregnant and then she met Stef, who already had Brandon and was more than a handful of trouble herself, and then they adopted the twins and now there are two more and that dream got pushed aside. Now she just wants to know if it’s still possible for her to pass on her perfect genes.

Jesus is texting with Emma about whether or not he’s still starving himself. She’s the helpful sort that texts him pictures of herself eating a hamburger, fries, and a milkshake. Jesus, marry this girl. In the middle of this, Lexi texts from Honduras with a picture of herself and Jesus takes it upon himself to send her a little Anthony Weiner-inspired selfie of his own. In the middle of this pandering to the teenage girls in the audience, Judicorn walks into his own room and is like, “Put some pants on. We need to talk about sexting.” Whoops, in the middle of yelling at Jude it seems Jesus sent his naked selfie to Emma. Jesus tells Jude that when he puts a hat on the doorknob it means he’s taking some “Jesus time” with his knob. Jude giggles and says he knows what Jesus time means.

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Lena pulls up from the doctor and Stef is tending to her bush. Lena pulls off the telltale signs of a blood test because egads! no one has ever had a blood test at the doctor’s before and that would give it all away. When Stef asks how it was, Lena cracks that she got more action at the gyno than she has from Stef in their awful bed lately. They kiss until Stef’s dad arrives bearing the gift of hybrid. He tries to offer them the car, he does an entire commercial for the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA where he tells them all the things it can do. He touts the size of the backseat because he knows it’s the only place these two get laid. He leaves out how hackable the GPS is but he wants to offer it as a wedding present. He and Stef bicker about the car and the wedding and that time she hugged her friend and he sent her to the priest and that time she disinvited him to her wedding. He’s trying, he says, he wants to make it better, he says. But Stef’s too stubborn to let a car smooth over everything that has gone on for the past two decades. Lena’s like, “Honey, can’t we just try out the backseat?”

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At Girls United, Callie and Cole are chatting about family day. Callie lists of the 47 people who will be coming to see her and to shower her with love and affection. Cole asks about Brandon and Callie gets all snippy about how Cole stole her contraband phone that she was using to text her foster brother who, by the way, is ordered to stay at least 100 feet away from her at all times because love means court ordered separation.

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