Good morrow my magnificent muppets! Last night on Couples Therapy, Ghostface shared the dirty details of his side bish, Jon continued to blame women for his lack of masculinity, and Kelsey threw some well aimed juice. Love is patient. Love is occasionally kind. Love is often super gross.
Rise and shine in Barbie’s Malibu Psychiatric Ward! Last week, Liz walked in on Jon Gosselin jacking off (ALLEGEDLY) and Dr. Jen is visibly giddy at the prospect of this fresh opportunity for humiliation. As am I. Dr. Jen, beaming maliciously, summons her wards into group therapy. Today’s topic is sex! Jon Gosselin loves sex. And masturbating. Liz was offended by Jon masturbating and called him a pussy. Dr. Jen shames Liz for shaming Jon LIKE KATE USED TO. As many of you pointed out last week, Liz is hella dykey, so horror in the face of male masturbation makes sense.
Next is Farrah. Farrah feels victimized as per usual. She says she’s felt uncomfortable and judged about having sex since 15, and blames this on her parents as well as the incredible trauma of the leaked sex tape. Since it’s been proven on multiple other outlets that Farrah’s tape was intentionally shot and released for profit, it’s hard to feel pity for Farrah. She takes zero accountability. She’s a liar who can’t stop lying even after she’s been caught.
Sada and Whit, who confronted Farrah about the porno lies, squirm irritably. Ghost and Kelsey go over Ghost’s fidelity issues. Ghostface continues not to give a damn.
PREACH GIRL. Motherfuckers ain’t that cool. There’s a few girls I need to be like “I mean you cool but motherfucker you ain’t that cool” too because that is straight up truth. Props to Kelsey for finally fighting back against Ghost’s disrespect.
Taylor and White Boy John are tedious and entitled and I don’t care about their sex life. Moving on: lesbians. Whitney and Sada earned infamy and celesbian status by selling their dramatic sexual dalliances. If there’s anything I learned from The Real L Word it’s that Whitney and Sada like to fuck. Now Sada thinks Whitney’s attraction is “inauthentic.”
On point. Sada flips out, doesn’t want to be mothered by Whitney, says “maybe this isn’t going to work” and puts her face in her palm for what feels like eternity. This way, the audience can’t see her tears–or lack thereof. When Sada finally lifts her head and dabs her eyes, her eyeliner (white on inner lids black on outer) is undisturbed. Dr. Jen astutely observes that Sada’s statement is a veiled threat, and that Sada’s sexpectations are unrealistic. Whitney and Sada continue arguing about sex in their room, and Whitney finally leaves Sada to tantrum alone.
Jon and Liz make up in a surprisingly mature manner. Ghost meets with Dr. Jen for a private session. Ghost doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Ghost thinks it’s too early for Kelsey to get attached, and loves his other girl Latrice, who he’s actually been with longer. Ghost wants Kelsey and Latrice to meet. Dr. Jen says “that would make both Latrice and Kelsey feel horrible” and Ghost responds with, essentially, “true most def but it’s what I want, so I’m cool with them feeling miserable because I won’t be miserable.” He really gives minimal fucks about Kelsey’s opinions. Wonderfully, Dr. Jen says no to Ghost’s dickish request to shove both women at each other rather than him.
Outside, Whitney and Jon commiserate over chaotic, incoherent femininity. Whitney goes inside and hugs Sada for a long time. Whitney releases Sada. Sada snaps “WE WERE CONNECTED I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU JUST LET GO OF ME.”
“I didnt know, you weren’t giving me any feedback!”
“I was hugging you.”
This argument is too dumb to be real… Right? Like about a hug. The most complex hug ever hugged. A hug of many facets, a layered hug, an onion as hug. Dr. Jen and the dynamic duo sit down privately to discuss the fights that are tearing their relationship apart. “You say ‘volatile,’ I say ‘passionate,'” Sada explains delusionally. Sada’s parents stayed together through heavy fighting and implied physical abuse that Sada refuses to discuss.
A day passes. Kelsey greets the morning sun with sexy yoga before joining Ghostface for another private therapy session. Dr. Jen urges Ghost to stop hiding his relationship with Latrice. He tells Kelsey, them asks her to sit down with Latrice. What a dick. Kelsey is like “so you want us to sit next to each other to pick which one you really want” and Ghost is briefly happy that Kelsey understands. Kelsey rips Ghost up then leaves.
It’s 4:20 on day nine and Kelsey could probably use a joint right now. Kelsey doesn’t know if Latrice is the side bitch or if she is the side bitch. Kelsey and Ghost sit outside, quietly arguing. After Kelsey appears to slightly calm down, Ghostface makes a fatal mistake. He asks Kelsey to get him a glass of apple juice. Kelsey stands up, gets a glass, and walks back outside. Kelsey then flings Ghost’s glass of apple juice in his smug face. As Kelsey storms away, Ghostface laughs. For some reason, I think what’s what he wanted all along.