Okay, here’s the deal: I have a pretty serious lung infection right now, so I was PISSED at the first thirty seconds of the AHS: Coven finale. Let me break it down for you: Stevie Nicks swoops into Miss Robichaux’s, lip-synching to her 1987 self (the song is “Seven Wonders,” of course). The mismatch between the recorded song and the much-older Nicks and the fact that 1987 was one of the years when her voice sounded a lot like a shivering goat made me laugh SO HARD, which in turn made me cough SO HARD that I was just wheezing and crying at the TV, like “no no no please stop.”
On the plus side, I am getting RIPPED pneumonia abs.
All over the house, the prospective Supremes are preparing for the ultimate test of witchcraft in their own ways: Zoe with a stack of books, Madison with a bubble bath, Misty with some shawl-twirling, and Queenie with some voodoo business that initially got me really excited that she might resurrect Nan.
That night, some perfectly good Last Supper imagery is ruined by Myrtle hollering “THIS IS SOME LAST SUPPER IMAGERY, IN CASE Y’ALL DIDN’T GET THAT.” The tone of the meal is also kind of brought down by the fact that any one of them might die while trying to complete the Seven Wonders.
So in this scenario, you die if you’re NOT Jesus.
WONDER NUMBER ONE: MOVE A CANDLE WITHOUT MAKING IT GO OUT
Verdict: 4 for 4.
Most winningest: Queenie, for being a rock star.
Most losingest: Misty, for being a big baby.
WONDER NUMBER TWO: MIND CONTROL
Verdict: 4 for 4
Most winningest: Kyle, for getting to make out with Madison and Zoe, even if only as a sex pawn.
Most losingest: All four witches, because slapping and hair pulling and boyfriend stealing is what girls from my high school did, not future Supremes.
But things really start to get interesting with the third Wonder: descent into hell.
All four women do the descending part easily enough, but it’s the coming back that’s more difficult.
For Queenie, who has seen her deep-fried purgatory before, returning to the world of the living is easy. Next up, Madison comes back, revealing that her hell was a live network broadcast of The Sound of Music, in which she wasn’t even the lead.
Are you really trolling someone else’s career, Emma Roberts?
Then Zoe wakes up, and tells us that her hell was breaking up with Kyle, which is the lamest thing I have ever heard of in my entire life.
What’s really baffling about this scene, though, is that we don’t get to actually see Madison and Zoe’s hells, which given how badly the second half of the episode drags, was a missed opportunity to create some real horror.
There is plenty of horror, though, in the fate of Misty Day. Misty’s hell is an elementary school science class in which she keeps bringing the frog she’s supposed to dissect back to life, and is then forced to kill it all over again.
When morning comes, and she still hasn’t manages to escape her purgatory, she dissolves in Cordelia’s arms.
I would probably dissolve in Sarah Paulson’s arms too.
NOW WAIT JUST ONE GODDAMN MINUTE. That’s it??? Misty is just dead now??? Now, I normally don’t ask for much in the way of continuity from this show, but as I recall, Papa Legba said that hell was a punishment for sin. And Misty’s sin was what, exactly? Not wanting to kill a frog?