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“Lost Girl” Recap (4.11): The evil of the thriller

You know that BFF you had in middle school. You guys went to the mall together. You guys spoke on the phone for hours together. You guys coordinated weekly outfits together. But then your friend got a boyfriend (or girlfriend, depending on how progressive your school was). All of a sudden your friend doesn’t call, doesn’t write, doesn’t coordinate high-top Chuck Taylors with you anymore.

So what’s a gal to do? Watch schlocky zombie and vampire movies and/or Jerry Maguire with your new emerging bestie while mainlining Twizzlers, of course. (But not Red Vines. Oh, yeah, that’s a battle line being drawn.) But then that awkward moment comes when you are complaining about your former BFF to your new BFF. And the former comes bearing reconciliatory gifts of candy (though not Twizzlers, this means war!) and no one exactly knows where to look. Yep, it’s like that.

Bo comes up to Kenz bearing sugar and apologies. She’s sorry for her non-stop boinking with Game of Thrones Ken Doll Rainer. Kenzi asks when she’ll stop locking her, Lauren and Dyson out. And demands some sort of proof this isn’t a form of brainwashing and evidence of continued best friendhood.

Bo assures her she’s still her No. 1, and sometimes Dyson and Lauren have acted like little No. 2s. Like, say when Dyson gave his love away and became an a-hole forever afterward. Mopey dick, indeed. And Lauren, well she’s all buddy-buddy with the Morrigan. And, not to rain on my own Doccubus parade, but there was also the little business of her spybanging, girlfriend in a coma, reuniting with said girlfriend post coma, and taking a break to find herself/escape the Light. But, hey, no relationship is “perfect.”

In the background, Tamsin is all, “See, I never did that. I just marked you so the Wanderer could find you. But that led to athletic shower sex so we’re cool, yes?”

Bo tells her what she has with Rainer is “bigger than love.” Oh, so now you’re saying The Beatles were wrong and love isn’t all you need? You’re really going to go against The Beatles? THE BEATLES? I mean, Ringo alone—sure, maybe. But the Fab Four all together? Simmer down, Oasis.

She then makes a “you complete me”-joke straight out of 1996 and Tamsin drops a reality bomb on the bonding. Hale is asking Kenzi to move in with her. Or, at least, that’s what they think he’s about to do. Bo can’t believe Kenz is going to leave her. And she replies with a tart, “Karma’s a bitch, hon.” But they hug it out anyway because she had her at “a-hole.”

Bo runs downstairs for drinks and stumbles into The Walking Dead instead. A zombie interloper threatens her access to Fresca, until someone slices off its head from behind. Oh, hai, Sarah Connor. No, Acacia isn’t dead. Yes, she has both hands back.

Tamsin is understandably perplexed. Or pissed. Probably both. Seems Mossimo grew a new hand back on her stump where Rainer chopped off that last one. Oh, that Druid, is there nothing he can’t do? Let’s put a pin in that question and move on. Acacia is also now a hunter of Revenants, which are zombified dead Fae sent to settle old scores.

When Acacia hears Bo is now shagging with her appendage liberator, she tries to make like a tree and get the fuck out of there. What? I couldn’t have said “leave,” that would have been cliché. But then Tamsin finds a “The Wanderer” calling card on the dead revenant and everyone has questions. Conveniently, Wander Hunk isn’t there, having left for the battlefields to pay respect to the dead. That old chestnut.

But the card, plus Rainer’s lack of entrants in any Fae history books, perk up Bo’s curiosity enough to leave with Tam-Tam and Acacia to prove her boyfriend isn’t reanimating the dead in order to create an enormous Fae army and/or new friends. I don’t know, he’s new back on this dimension. And it is harder to make friends as an adult—that’s just a fact.

Hey, are you ready to be a little less confused about what the hell is happening and where Wanderer fits in in the whole scheme of things and why we keep seeing that angry fire-breathing Pegasus? Let Grandpa Trick tell you a story. And by “you,” I mean “Vex.”

Grampy T says Rainer wasn’t really evil, just defiant. The angry fire-breathing Pegasus whose name I have no idea how to spell and spent 20 minutes Googling was real evil. (Emily Andras says Pyrippus, so Pyrippus it is!) And then he goes on about how he should have been a better king and other stuff you say when you’ve had a few too many sips from the flask. Then they become a mutual admiration society: “Your dad was a great man!” “You’re not so bad yourself, gramps!” etc., etc.

Back at the Suck Shack, Kenzi gets a knock on the door. But instead of being her abs-so-licious sex machine (or a dead dude), it’s her cousin, Dimitri. Also, her mom. See, this is exactly why I live 3,000 miles away from my family. I love them, I really do. But no way I’m subjecting myself to the unexpected parental drop-by.

In the slums of Toronto Faeville, two Valkyries and a Succubus go to search for answers where the Cult of the Dead hang out. Naturally, they run into another dead. But just as Bo is about to dispatch the Revenant, Dyson busts in and takes over the decapitation. Any job a woman can do, a man can take over and do for her—and make a dollar to the 77-cents a woman would make doing the same job.

Dyson has come, despite the Great Exes Cold War Bo has going on, because “my partner called.” Tam-Tam saves the day and allows Acacia and Bo to go in to see some guy named Harvey. Harvey’s skill is drinking the blood out of dead people’s severed heads and knowing who commands them. Oh, I’m sorry, was I supposed to sugar-coat that?

After some disgusting blood swilling and more disgusting sexual innuendo, Harvey tells them Acacia sent the zombie-gram. Acacia says she may have killed him, but she didn’t reanimate him. But Bo is still suspicious. So no better way to settle an argument than with fisticuffs. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say fisticuffs? I meant, “CATFIGHT!”

Harvey tapes it because of course he tapes it. I know it’s meant to be funny and a riff on the girl fights of sexploitation movies, but can a Valkyrie and a Succubus please have a better fight scene that involves less hugging and more socking in the face?

In another kind of fight across town, Kenzi is still mad at her family and Hale for conspiring for the unannounced visit. Mama K tries to make it all better with a beloved family heirloom. But earrings cannot solve deep-seeded family resentments caused by years of neglect, no matter what those jewelry commercials say. Mama K apologies profusely, and swears she has kicked her bastard boyfriend out, which finally warrants a hug. So for those keeping score — emotional growth: 1, bling: 0.

Back in skids row, Acacia is grilling Tamsin on The Wanderer’s so-called emotional growth. Did he really just hop off the Death Train and start playing house with Bo? Yeah, I know, no one can believe it, lady. But she is even more concerned for Tami, because now that her memories are coming back she recalls the little matter of her not taking Rainer’s body from the battlefield to Valhalla. And no amount of jewelry or emotional growth can earn a hug for that.

The motely grew go to see someone named Laveau. But she’s not Angela Bassett and Ryan Murphy hasn’t had a chance to ruin her character. This voodoo queen of Fae Orleans wakes up the dead, all the dead, for their troubles.

Acacia’s new addition promptly goes homicidal. So much for Mossimo (Massimo? I don’t know how to spell any of these damn Lost Girl names.) building her a new one from scratch. Laveau has sent the undead Revenants to collect the Demon Seed to fight the Devil’s Horse, the Pyrippus. If you told me in college I’d ever type that sentence in a professional setting, I’d smack your mama. Dyson promptly smacks Laveau unconscious for possibly different reasons.

At an awkward family dinner, Mama K is embarrassing Kenzi and tells Hale she’ll make him a good wife. Kenzi is like, “Mom, OMG.” And Hale is like, “Future mother-in-law, OMG.” Because, indeed, this whole reunion was a ruse of sorts to pop The Question. No, not the question about life, the universe and everything. (We all know the answer to that is 42.) But the other one involving rings and “I dos.” Also, Hale, I love you, but you do not start a marriage proposal by saying, “As good a time as any, I guess.” (Yeah, I know, I’m going to feel bad about chastising him later.)

Fine, OK. It’s a lovely and heartfelt moment, until Dimitri’s cellphone rings. It’s Kenzi’s stepdad asking when Hale will wire the money. So, um, busted. They’re not broken up. In fact, they’re already scamming Hale. And the proposal is pretty much over. So much for the afterglow.

Bo and Dyson bring Laveau back to Harvey. But, twist! Laveau and Harvey the Sexual Harasser are working together. And Laveau is the head Revenant. And now a horde of the unwashed undead is gunning for them. Get in the house, Carl! Luckily, Bo uses her head and removes Laveau’s.

Then to gain power of the ZombFaes, she takes a big ol’ swig of Laveau. Yeah, it’s about as gross as you would imagine. Though, on the plus side, that’s a killer shade of lip gloss. LITERALLY.

So the Afternoon of the Living Dead is over, but the Afternoon of Familial Dysfunction continues. Kenzi orders her mom and cousin out, and will accept no “explanation” for why he’s not that bad a guy after all although he was terrible to her growing up. Mama K proves that couples do turn into each other as she raises a hand at Kenzi. But our girl will have none of it. She’s not that small girl, that street urchin, that helpless victim anymore. We make our own families.

Monster of the Week slain, Dyson is having a stiff drink at the Dal. It is, it seems, the only thing on him that has been stiff of late. Ahem. Bo comes in to “talk.” But wolf’s aren’t great at processing. Fetch a stick or rip a zombie head off? He’s your man. But this? He tells her, “At least with Lauren I knew she cared.” But this Wanderer? Yeah, if he turns out to be the The Big Bad, the D-Man doesn’t think he can help her. You reap what you have athletic shower sex with, Succubus.

Bo looks hurt, but then I’m not entirely sure what she was expecting. She tells Dyson, “We were always more than just lovers.” Doccubus fandom hackles, activate. But then we get the big confession. She’s not still in love with him. Hackles down, order restored. I feel a little sorry for the big pup. He’s the proverbial dog without a bone.

Hey, remember when Trick and Vex were having a burgeoning bromance? Well, it turned out to be less of a fine romance and more of a sneaky way of seeing if he’s the one who took the Demon Seed. Our favorite Mesmer is rightfully insulted. No one wants to get invited over for a few drinks only to be accused of being a megalomaniac supervillain. But he also doesn’t deny the supervillain part. I still don’t think he is the one with the seed, but more on that later.

For whatever reason, Tamsin and Acacia are still wandering around the valley of the burnt-out cars. Tam-Tam tells her she knows she is the one who sent the Revenant because she wanted to plant the Wanderer Tarot in order to get the team to suit up and take on Rainer. As far as plans on Lost Girl go, I guess it’s not the absolute worst.

Tamsin says if the Wanderer is bad, she’ll be the first to take him out, but she wants to do things right this time. Acacia sarcastically asks her if that includes settling down with a nice wolf and squeeze out some puppies. It’s a weird thing to say, but will all make sense about 5 minutes from now. Sort of. And then she tells her to look out for Massimo because he is planning something “big.” Oh, oh, have we mentioned that he is not dead? Marie Laveau isn’t the only thing Lost Girl has in common with American Horror Story: Coven this season. There’s also this little business of the dead stubbornly refusing to stay dead.

Tam returns to Bo’s place—wait, is she living there now? Bo is pacing and tells her she knows the Rainer stuff is making her seem cray-cray. But she can’t ignore how she feels. She tells Tamsin, “Sometimes you just have to go for it, right?” And a million Valkubus hearts wait with gossamer wings to take flight. It’s not even my ship and I’m all, “KISS HER, YOU FOOL.”

Alas, Tam-Tam gets bookblocked. Who knew that was a thing? See, this is why so many people have switched to e-readers. A book flies open and Rainer’s handsome mug appears on one of the pages. Tami asks who the historical hottie is. Bo is like, duh, he’s your boss a.k.a. He Who Wanders a.k.a. The Wanderer a.k.a. Your Boss. But the problem is, he isn’t. Should we just declare this whole thing a big whoopsie-daisie and start over?

Another person wishing he could hit the restart button is Hale. He’s still holding the unaccepted ring…shirtless. It never hurts to try to sell the merchandise one last time. I didn’t mean that as final as it sounded. Sniffle. OK, getting ahead of myself.

Kenzi tells him she wants to slow things down. They have all the time in the world, after all. Ah! See, right there. That’s as bad a saying as, “I’ll be back,” in a horror movie. Though, they must have worked something out because a sans pantaloons Kenz runs downstairs to show off the ring to Bo. She promptly runs off to get snacks and wine and candy to celebrate.

Dyson is still on the same barstool. And then Tamsin walks in and joins him. Like, climb on top of him and start making out joins him. Is this the wolf, puppies and picket fence Acacia was referring too? I feel like there’s a board in the writers’ room where they throw darts at character names and the first two they land on will be forced to make out in the next episode.

It’s really too much for my little, tiny, minuscule recapper brain to process. Lost Girl: The Crackship season has gone from sexy to funny to crazy to OMFGWTFLOLWUT and whatever I can throw in there.

But before we have time to understand what is happening, we’re back at the Suck Shack and Kenz is trying to find a suitable post-engagement snack. Instead, Massimo finds her. Yes, that Massimo. Druid burned up to a crisp in his own lava pit Massimo. He’s still a little crispy, but definitely not dead. And also he is definitely pissed and taking it out on Kenzi. Don’t you hurt her! I will climb right through this screen and kick your ass, you big bully.

But Hale gets there before I can, and dismisses Massimo with a few extra kicks to the gut for good measure. After he’s done he unleashes the death Siren. It seems to do the trick, but also makes his own ears bleed. Remember when the same think happened after Ianka’s Death Note and he kept it from her? This is why you shouldn’t keep things from your significant other.

Not only are Hale’s ears bleeding, his ears have stopped working. He can’t hear anything, no Kenzi’s screams to look out for Massimo rising up behind him. And then it’s too late. And for all of our fragile hearts, too early. Hale whispers out one last, “I love you” and is gone.

He’s dead. Hale is dead. Massimo is alive and Hale is dead. Massimo was saved by the Twig of Zamora. It’s the same twig Dyson gave to Hale for his inauguration as the Ash and then Hale gave to Kenzi to protect her from The Morrigan. And Kenzi gave it to Massimo to fund her Sparkle Motion addiction. Not to make a terrible joke at a tragic time, but this is why you should never regift.

You know, I always liked Hale. How could you not like Hale? Sure, sometimes he seemed more like a fedora and a smile than a fully realized character. (Not K.C. Collins‘ fault, by the way, just underused.) But he was part of the team from the beginning. He was one of the good guys. And he made Kenzi happy. And what makes Kenzi happy makes us happy. And what makes Kenzi sad, well, you know.

Bo finally returns from the longest booze run ever. But what she finds is Kenzi laying on a lifeless Hale. She rushes over, but there’s nothing she can do. Kenzi won’t take “nothing” for an answer and asks/begs/demands Bo save his life like she saved Dyson’s life after The Yawning.

But Bo insists there’s not enough chi. When she vaccusucked life back into Dyson, she had Kenzi and Lauren and Trick and Stella to feed off of. But here it’s just one little Kenzi. But do you know how no one is a sidekick in her own life? Well, Kenzi finally asserts her own hero status and calls Bo selfish for only helping herself and not her when she needs it the most. So Bo tries.

But she stops, if she takes more she’ll kill Kenzi. And she’ll always choose Kenzi. The poor girls keeps repeating, hysterically, “I was gonna say ‘Yes!’ I was gonna say ‘Yes!'” Like I was saying, when Kenzi hurts, we hurt. She’s the Willow of Lost Girl. And this is her “Seeing Red.” But Willow never had Bo to give her some of the magic glowy hands and calms her down. I feel like there probably would have been a lot less flaying and turning, you know, evil if there had been.

So, is this the death of someone Bo “loves very much” that the Leviathan was alluding to? Or are we in for more heartache and despair? I don’t know about you, but suddenly I kind of get the inclination to flay someone.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Really, this is just about common courtesy.

“Guys, unbelievable Seriously, would I leave a dead body on the floor if her boyfriends was coming over?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

This wardrobe department never disappoints. Ever.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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