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“The Fosters” recap (1.13): “You had me at Judicorn”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon and Callie kissed (I am sooo looking forward to the recap where I don’t have to type that), Callie ran away, stole a loaf of bread, landed in jail, and now is in a group home that looks more like my boarding school dorm. Stef and Lena yelled at Brandon. Mariana and Jesus yelled at Brandon, Jude yelled at Brandon, Talya yelled at Brandon, and Mike yelled at Brandon. But none of the yelling made a dent in Brandon’s head because he still went and found Callie and they reunited like the bad decision makers they are and we all rolled our eyes. Jesus and Mike decided to be the parents for a while and took him right off his ADHD meds and put him on a regimen of wrestling (this message not brought to you by the American Psychiatric Association). Mariana joined the crew of the play because a cute boy asked her to and, thanks to Kelsey, “I stole a hat” became this year’s “I carried a watermelon.”

In the backyard, Stef and Lena are getting a stern talking to from Callie probation officer. How he can manage to yell at them while they both look so stunning. Wait, where was I? Right. Brandon and Callie and their terrible decisions. If those two impulse control free kids can’t keep away from each other Callie is going to lose her spot at Eastland School and head back to Litchfield. Inside Mariana says “hey Judicorn.” No, really. Mariana reads the recaps and knows that Jude is half boy, half magical creature. She tries to distract him with offers to make him breakfast but he looks out the window and worries that Callie’s P.O. is actually a social worker. Mariana assures him everything is going to be fine in a tone that suggests she remembers what it’s like to worry that you’re going to have to move from a good home.

Rita is sitting at a desk getting ready to read Callie the riot act about running out of the house to go see her boyfriend. Callie starts to say “he’s not my boyfriend” but Rita doesn’t care if he’s the Fuller Brush Salesman. She is the voice of everyone over a certain age watching the show. No contact with that Leery boy, you hear? Also no more “accidents” in the house. Callie slouches and mumbles and refuses to make eye contact. She’s one tossed baseball mitt from having Jimmy Dugan chuck her in the shower to cool off.

Back at the Adams Fosters’ home for the impulsive Brandon bops down the stairs flush with happiness at his sneaky trip to see Callie and finds himself face to face (to face to face) with the three headed parent monster. Gird your loins, mister. This isn’t Fluffy, playing music will not put this thing to sleep. He tells them that they can’t keep him apart from Callie. Yeah, I’m going to see your teen bluster and raise you a restraining order, Brando. He throws the paper on the ground and stomps his feet and caps it off with a “whatever” before leaving for school. Well, when you put it that way, dude, I totally see your point. The parents let out a collective sigh and Stef offers that once he pulls his head out of his ass he’ll realize this is the best thing for Callie. Oh Stef, you think Brandon is concerned with what’s best for Callie? You’re hilarious. That boy is thinking with his head, and I don’t mean the lump three feet above his ass.

Lena thanks Mike for being around to fix her car (well tinker with it, mostly since the thing still won’t run) and for helping parent his delinquent son. Stef feels bad about heading back to work without Mike but he doesn’t mind pretending to be a mechanic and drinking coffee and yelling at his kid. Lena tells Stef she forgot how tough Stef looks in her uniform and asks her to wear it to bed tonight. Lena also asks Stef to call at lunch since she’s just the tiniest bit nervous about Stef going back to work. Stef gives her a goodbye kiss and a sexy as hell wink before heading out.

Callie and Daphne are hosing off garbage cans. Apparently, this is punishment for running out to see Brandon. Daphne tells Callie to hurry up because they are going on a field trip. She says she doesn’t have her privileges so the trip to the Forbidden Forest isn’t for her but Daphne laughs and says it’s not a privilege. Callie scurries over to the wall and take out a cell phone Brandon must have snuck her. Good grief you two! If pictures of Litchfield lady junk surface on the internet we’ll know who was responsible.

Jesus is running on the beach when Emma, the cute girl from his wrestling team, appears. She teases him for being out running on her beach and he tells her his whole life story including how he just got off his ADHD meds and how running is supposed to help and so is the wrestling and how he can’t eat any processed foods because the dye is bad for him and everything that ever tasted good in the history of the world has dye in it. She tells him that not everything that tastes good has dye in it (which is either regular cute or highly suggestive). She shoves him and races him back to school. I’m not sure if these two are flirting or if she just wants to be bros.

Down at the precinct Stef is meeting her new partner who tells her he doesn’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die, but otherwise he totally cool with having a girl for a partner. He also tells her that he drives since her high heels probably don’t work on the gas pedal. Stef asks him if he’s a GOP candidate. Captain Roberts swaggers in looking as hot as ever. She tells Stef that unofficially Mike is going to be cleared by internal affairs and officially, Stef is stuck with Mike Huckabee as her partner for at least a little while.

Kelsey is late to help Mariana make costumes for the play. She runs in tells some story about writing in the Burn Book and then takes over for Mariana. Chase calls Mariana over to check the fit of his pants and then drops them so he can waggle his dick in her face. Chase, you are gross. Once she’s properly flustered the Captain Underpants asks if she’ll run lines with him after school. Kelsey looks a wee bit jealous.

Outside Jude is walking with Connor. Connor, we missed you! He asks Jude if he will come to a show at the planetarium in a few weeks. Jude isn’t sure he’ll still be there in a couple of weeks and then takes some of Connor’s uneaten lunch and stuffs it in his bag. Meanwhile, Lena is eating lunch in her office waiting for the phone to ring. She calls Stef and leaves a message. Stef, when it’s your first day back after being shot it might be a good idea to call your wife. Lena is interrupted by some Amazon product placement which is funny since you know she and Stef shop at their local, lesbian owned, independent bookstore. Timothy asks if she’s OK and she says she fine about seven hundred times so, you know, not fine at all.

Mariana and Zach bond over “old movies” that came out in the 1990s. Guys, when did I get so old? Mariana reminisces about Lexi and all the fun they used to have. Kelsey flounces in, makes fun of these two for watching “classic movies” and then bitches at Mariana for going after Aaron Samuels. Mariana says “he dropped his pants in my face, what was I supposed to do?” Kelsey brings up the fact that she covered for Mariana for the billionth time and then stalks off.

At the arboretum, botanical gardens, museum, or some such place a nice lady is blabbering on and the teens are rolling their eyes and making inappropriate jokes as one does on a school field trip. Callie continues to make bad decisions and skips off to meet Brandon. He asks “excuse me miss would you like to see my bonsai tree?” Ew. Callie does not share my assessment and proceeds to kiss him on the mouth in broad daylight where he can hopefully get arrested. Rita notices Callie is missing and runs around looking for her. Daphne shoves Brandon and tells him to get out and then tells Callie to “make like a bread truck and roll buns, girl.” Rita finds them and Daphne covers for Callie. Now they are even for that tie Daphne smashed Callie’s face in.

Mariana apologizes to Kelsey and they agree not to let a boy come between them. Well, Mariana does. She tells Chase she can’t run lines and Kelsey pipes up that she can totes do him, um do it. Sorry Cady Heron.

Back at the zoo/museum/outdoor play space, Cole is getting hassled for wanting to use the men’s bathroom. A teacher tells him he has to use the women’s bathroom. A guard grabs him and Cole shoves back. Another kid calls him a “freak” and the girls come to Cole’s defense before Rita jumps in and breaks the fight up. Cole has a hard edge and is quick to fight back but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch people refuse to see him for who he is.

Stef and Huckabee are talking to a kid who is getting sent back to juvie for the fourth time. Huckster says kids in the system are a lost cause, especially the older they get. Stef has a lot of feelings on the subject but refrains from saying anything other than kids just want to know that they are loved. Huckles says, the trouble is that no one does love these kids. You sir, are wrong.

Back in Timothy’s class in hair care for the modern mullet, they are chatting about Gatsby while Mariana and Kelsey trade harsh whispers about Chase. Kelsey is ready to bounce on over to Captain Underoos but Timothy tells her she’s got detention. Mariana, however, is free to go romance Zac Efron.

In the wrestling room, Jesus is watching a scrawny kid get his ass kicked by a kid 30 pounds heavier. Emma says wrestling up in good practice and they get shushed by a Karofsky type. Next up is Jesus versus Karofsky and the match is about as even as if Kurt wrestled Karofsky. Emma cheers for Jesus and sounds a little like Rach at the soccer match before Luce teaches her how to yell. The coach congratulates Jesus for “holding his own.” Too many inappropriate jokes!

Timothy runs into Lena and starts with “I don’t want you to worry” so I am going to tell you about this police shooting that I am sure didn’t involve your wife. Lena tries not to look worried. Timmy, having you been hanging out at the Byron Montgomery school for jerky teachers? Lena tries to call Stef again but she still isn’t answering.

Mike calls Brandon over to help with the car he still hasn’t fixed. Brandon starts mouthing off about Mike and his drinking. He dredges up Mike’s past sins, which are numerous, and Mike apologizes. Brandon isn’t wrong to be mad at his dad for drinking or being an absent parent because of it but lashing out at Mike now doesn’t change the fact that Brandon is making some truly terrible choices.

Zach has fixed the sewing machine and is pleased to show off his mechanical prowess to Mariana. She isn’t exactly effusive with her praise because she’s preoccupied by thoughts of Chase and Kelsey. Zach says that Kelsey does none of the work but takes all the credit for what Mariana does. He tells her that she’s not invisible. Zach you are Ducky reincarnated. Maybe he’ll do a nice rendition of “Try a Little Tenderness” later in the season with Annie Potts. Chase wanders over looking for Kelsey (or really any warm body with boobs) and Mariana says she can take Kelsey’s place if he’s still interested. Mariana, Cooper here would shag an open wound.

In the wrestling room, Emma tells Jesus he did well and gives him an organic, dye-free cookie. Either she really likes him or she’s super gay. She asks if he’d like to run with her and he says “whoa, I’ve got a girlfriend” she rolls her eyes and makes a crack about his giant ego before it’s time for a little friendly, and illegal, hazing to welcome him to the team. Mostly the “tunnel of love” (seriously, how much innuendo can there be on the wrestling mat?) involves friendly pats on the back but Karofsky hauls off and punches Jesus in the face.

Lena is worrying in her office and jumps when the phone rings. Stef apologizes for leaving her phone at the station. She asks if anything is wrong and Lena covers by saying she just wanted to know if pasta was alright for dinner. She doesn’t say I was wrong about being OK with your job. I was wrong, I know I promised but I was wrong. I worry and I’m embarrassed for worrying but I just love you too much to think about living without you (not to mention dealing with our zoo of teenagers on my own).

Into this swirl of emotions walks Jesus with a black eye. Lena loses it, storms into the wrestling room and screams at the coach. He’s like “oh, that’s funny, what’s a little ‘initiation’ among friends?” Oh dude, you don’t talk to Tami Taylor or Lena Adams Foster like that. She tells him it ends or he loses his job. Sorry about never making friends again, Jesus, but your mom is right.

Chase and Mariana are running lines and blurring the lines between where Chase and Mariana end and Jim and Laura pick up. Things get blurry enough that they start making out while waiting in the wings are Zach and Kelsey. By Mona, I think Kelsey’s going to make Mariana pay for this!

Back at Girls United, everyone seems pretty well united against Cole for having the audacity to be himself. Everyone is pissed they had to leave the field trip early because Cole wanted to go pee. Callie stands up for Cole and points out that everyone wants to Cole to act in whatever way makes their own lives better, not how he wants to act. Oh hey there, awesome Callie, we missed you.

Lena brings Jesus home with ice on his face only to get scolded by Mariana who informs her it’s not easy when Mena Lena the Vice Principal is your mom. Jesus screams like a baby when he sees ants in his bedroom. Lena take a look and finds the Chamber of Secretly Stashed Food under Jude’s bed.

Stef proves she and Brandon share DNA by showing up at Girls United. Rosie O’Donnell and Teri Polo are delicious to watch in this scene. She meets Rita and tries to explain what she’s doing there. Rita tells Stef that she can’t just drop by, she has to wait for family days when Callie has her privileges. You can see Stef fighting against herself. She knows she’s breaking the rules but she just wants Callie to know they care. Stef, love, you are such a giant softie under all that gruff exterior. Callie watches Stef from her window as she gets back in her car.

Lena asks Jude what he was thinking, there’s plenty of food in the house and he can eat whatever he wants. He explains that not all foster homes are like that and Lena asks if he’s worried he’s going to go somewhere else. He says when Callie acts out, that’s what happens. Lena sinks into her chair and unleashes a pep talk for both of them. She understands what it’s like to have the rug pulled out from under her. She felt that way when Stef was shot, but she says she won’t let that happen to Jude. She can’t promise smooth sailing with no surprises but he’s not going anywhere and you can’t live your life dictated by fear.

God I loved this scene. I don’t have teenagers (yet) but I do know that having kids has probably taught me more about myself than anything. Talking to them about their thoughts and feelings sometimes makes sense of my own in the most magical way. So Lena telling Jude not to be scared of the unpredictable, and to try to trust even though the rug has been pulled out from under him before, felt so real to me. My daughter, my five-year-old, is me all over again. Watching her grow up and be difficult and funny and smart and utterly infuriating makes me understand the way other people see me, because I am all those things too (but especially the difficult part). If you’re any good at being a parent you can open yourself up to those learning moments, those times when history or circumstance slaps you across the face and you think “holy shit, that’s why people treat me that way!” And if you’re really good you can take that experience, and you can share it and help your kid navigate better, to live a little better, and to avoid those rough places that snagged and left a scar on you as a kid.

Meanwhile, Kelsey is unburdening her soul of its secrets of stolen hats and drugs dealt on school grounds to Principal Sanchez. Mariana you are totes in trouble. Gabi and Daphne are waiting outside the bathroom when Cole comes out. He thanks Callie for what she said in group. Callie joins Daphne who is happy to be leaving to go live on her own. She says you only have to be 16 and you don’t have to be emancipated to do it. Daphne has a plan to get her diploma and to take parenting classes so she can get her two-year-old daughter back. She doesn’t want her little girl to grow up in foster care the way she did. Callie sneaks out of line to go get her phone from the hole in the wall but Cole catches her and takes the phone.

Mariana is dancing and ironing in her room while wearing the stolen fedora when Stef and Lena walk in. You’re in a heap of trouble, young lady. She’s done with the play and with school while she’s suspended. So much before ovaries before brovaries, right?

Next door, Mike talks to Brandon and apologizes for his drinking. He tells Brandon he’s sorry and that he had hoped Brandon was too young to remember it. He says he’s sorry about the restraining order and that he understands how hard it is to be kept for the person you love. He says Brandon is the love of his life and not seeing him everyday is really hard. Perhaps he isn’t inept at fixing cars, maybe he just likes seeing his kid. Then, he tops off this touching moment by doing something stupid. He hands Brandon a wad of cash for his piano lessons. Brandon takes it and picks up the phone to cancel the lessons.

Stef and Lena climb in and talk about their days without actually talking about their days. It’s all surface stuff with no mention of Lena’s worry about Stef being back at work and not even a whisper about Stef going to Girls United because she’s just not tough enough for “tough love.” They go to sleep without a good night kiss, without hands held across the center of the bed, without even being on the same level. The day sucked all the zing out of Lena being turned on by Stef’s uniform and Stef leaving with a sly wink. Worst commercial ever for a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed ever.

Meanwhile, Brandon is texting Callie but who is texting back? Oh it’s Cole.

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