“American Horror Story: Coven” recap (3.12): Are you into girls now?

You guys, can you believe we are almost at the end of another season of AHS? Last year I couldn’t wait to get out of Briarcliff, but this time around I’m really going to miss this gang of witches, if only because I think that given more time, they would definitely start making out with each other. I’m aware from the comment section that this is the minority opinion, but even if you preferred Asylum, you must agree that this finale has a lot more riding on it than last year’s.

We begin this week with a rundown of the Seven Wonders that a prospective Supreme must perform. They are as follows:

1. Poppin’
2. Lockin’
3. Wiggle Your Ears
4. Hotwire A Car
5. Make A Perfect Soufflé
6. Talk To A Girl At A Bar
7. Successfully Unsubscribe From LivingSocial

(I personally can only do that third one.)

Fiona gives Queenie the rundown.

AHS12.1

Fiona: So, just between the two of us, I think you have a really good shot at being the next Supreme.
Queenie: Instead of trying to figure out whether that’s a compliment or a death threat I’m just going to ask you: Where is Marie Laveau?
Fiona: Fuck if I know. Try looking in hell.
Queenie: OK, I will.

And both of them walk away thinking they are the winner of the conversation.

Upstairs, a similar intergenerational conflict is playing out. Cordelia is convinced that Madison did something with Misty, and tries to touch her, in hopes of copping a feel seeing a vision. Sadly, her second sight is being a little shy today, but on the bright side, now I can use, “Excuse me miss, but can I touch you to ascertain whether or not you have been involved with any murders?” as my new pickup line.

AHS12.2On second thought, I’ll stick to just drinking quietly in a corner and saying nothing.

The other day, I was trying to think of why I respond to this season of AHS so much more than last year, and I think at least part of it is that Coven offers several empathetic characters that we have actually seen evolve in productive ways. (Last year we had Lana, who I hated by the end, and Kit, who was like a brain-damaged Labrador). This year, Zoe, Misty, and Cordelia have all had terrific storylines, and now Queenie is getting some of the attention she deserves. In hopes of tracking down Marie, Queenie bravely and selflessly descends into hell.

AHS12.3Um, excuse me I think you ended up in heaven by mistake.

But for serious, hell as your worst job kind of makes sense. Hell as a place where no understands you or cares about you, and you must serve an endless line of people. Soon Papa Legba shows up to inform her that Marie isn’t here, and unless she wants to get stuck there forever, Queenie should wake up.

The question of Marie Laveau’s whereabouts is answered soon: Delphine is dismembering her in the basement. When Queenie hears about this, she suggests to Papa Legba that if Marie is dismembered then she is in breach of her contract, and therefore can die, and therefore so can Delphine. And much as I hate to lose Marie Laveau, I suppose it’s worth the sacrifice if it means getting rid of the worst sadist to ever throw a dinner party.

Speaking of Delphine, now that she’s out from under Marie’s thumb (which she is probably carrying around in her pocket) she’s taken up giving the guided tours in her former home.

AHS12.4DELPHINE LALAURIE WAS THE HOTTEST BITCH TO EVER FILL A BOWL
WITH EYEBALLS AND DON’T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT.

She got the gig by driving an axe through the skull of the old tour guide, which, for my international readers, is how all people apply for jobs in the United States.

Queenie tracks her down and offers her one last chance at redemption. But Delphine refuses to apologize for torturing and murdering so many people. Personally, I think that on some level she knows she was wrong, but the enormity of her crimes is so much to take in that her psyche would crack under the strain. Whatever, she’s gotten more than enough chances to reform herself, so Queenie is more than justified in stabbing her in the neck.

Back at Miss Robichaux’s (OMG I only get to use that as a transition one more time!) Fiona is saying her goodbyes. She’s not sure yet if it’s goodbye because she’s going to die or goodbye because she’s going to kill everybody, but either way, she’s quite worked up about it. She poses for her official portrait and bequeaths a necklace to Cordelia. But as she clasps the jewelry around her daughter’s neck, Cordelia has a vision of the Coven’s future if Fiona is allowed to live. (Spoiler: everyone dies.)

AHS12.5At least this is how Misty would have wanted to die.

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