“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.16): “Put some pants on, we need to talk about Radley”

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna absconded from Ezra’s Ravenswood lair with one of Ali’s diaries, into which she had ciphered a variety of opinions and feelings and poems about how dumb and fat and slutty and in love with her the Liars were. She also made a map of her multiple hideouts, including the Busy Bee B&B where she and Aria used to holiday as children. On the way to the (now defunct) bed and breakfast, Ezra hacked the Liars’ GPS, cell phones, and the actual weather so they would be forced to hike to EzriA’s Love ShAck so he could lock them in a laundry room and re-steal Ali’s diary. Betwixt these shenanigans, Emily sat on the kissing rock, crying all day; Hanna tried to convince everyone that she was fine with Caleb leaving her for a ghost lover; Spencer called Mrs. D a whore in eleven different ways before moving into Toby’s coffee shop loft; and Aria lied to everyone including Ezra about Ezra.

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The Liars are speeding back toward the Busy Bee B&B now that they’ve realized how decoding Ali’s diary and handing it back over to A is definitely going to get her murdered again. It’s an even more dire predicament than last time Ali was definitely going to get murdered because The Grunwald is too busy menacing Miranda over in Ravenswood to find the time to answer the Tippi hotline in the murder room she built in the sorority house she oversaw at Cicero College. No way is that seer is going to find the time to pull Ali’s championship breath-holding ass out of another grave. But when the Liars arrive at the B&B, the place is ransacked and A has already scrawled a message on the wall about how it’s too late, bitches.

The next morning, Emily drops off a pie at the church bake sale, which: every time Emily delivers pastries, it’s a mark of death for whoever consumes them — RIP Maya — so probably we’ll be getting another funeral before this season is finished. Spencer is on the phone with Emily because she senses that Emily is two wrong steps away from Radley at this point, a feeling she knows well. But she has to hop off when her dad shows up at Toby’s door. Fooled into a false sense of paternal affection, due to the fact that he’s been in town for three days in a row, Spencer assumes he’s there to collect her and bring her home. He is not. He is there to speak to Toby, who emerges from his bedroom half-naked and dripping wet, inviting Spencer to shower with him. And then, the greatest line of dialogue ever spoken aloud. Peter goes, “Put some pants on; we need to talk about Radley.”

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He also wants to talk to Spencer about Jason, who has very clearly been axe-murdered by Jessica DiLaurentis — along with Alison, if you want to know my personal theory — at this point, and so they need Spencer to stop digging around in his biz. Peter says Jason is in rehab, fell off the wagon, got into a bar fight. She doesn’t believe him because she’s Spencer and she doesn’t believe anything anyone says ever, but also because she heard him flat-out lie to everyone in the world on the phone yesterday while sneaking around the kitchen with the woman who had his bastard affair baby.

Aria and Ezra share some breakfast cuddles because Aria has decided to break up with Jake and Ezra’s got some kind of book deal situation happening in Philly today, so things are really going his way. He tells Aria she looks like she’s seen a ghost at one point, and then twirls his mustache and giggles behind his hand.

Hanna is still operating in a state of rage-denial about her breakup with Caleb. Rather than facing down her broken heart, she decides to face down her closet, wearing an amazing shirt that just straight up says “Creeping” on it. When Ashley confronts her about the fact that no one in this house has ever, ever bothered to clean out a wardrobe depository, except that time the cops cleaned Tom’s gun out of one of the upstairs closets, Hanna shirks and shrieks and storms out of the room. Basically, she’s throwing away everything Caleb ever saw her wear, which is … everything. Spencer also tries to talk her out of it, but her pleas are even less convincing than Ashley’s because Ashley has real life wisdom and the last time Spencer lost Toby to the clutches of a ghost, she ended up in a mental institution with twigs in her hair, following a hand-drawn pirate ship map out onto the roof.

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Whatever, though. Whatever to everything you thought you knew and everything that came before. Get a load of this: Shana Costumeshop hits up Emily and tells her she’s got a message from Ali. Yeah, that’s right. Shana Costumeship grew up beside Ali’s grandmother in Georgia. When Ali would come to visit in the summetimes, they formed such a bond. For Shana, it was lesbi-curious like with Ali and Emily, I reckon, and for Ali it was whatever capital for however she measure the value of her relationships. Ali Emily-ed Shana even more than she Emily-ed Emily because that girl left her whole entire life behind and moved her ass to Pennsylvania and began dating Paige and Jenna and making moves on Emily when Ali showed up at her Georgia house, caked in grave dirt, asking for help.

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