“The Fosters” recap (1.12): “Totes the worst”

Previously on The Fosters, just a lonely girl, living in a lonely world, Callie took the Wyatt train going anywhere. She ran away with Wyatt before running away from Wyatt. Lexi said good-bye to Jesus, Mariana, and the good old U.S. of A. Sharon gave Stef and Lena a new bed and Jude magicked his way into his Grandma’s heart. The Moms blamed themselves for Callie running away and worried about her safety.  Jude blamed himself for Callie running away and worried about her safety. Brandon blamed himself for Callie leaving and worried that she was shacking up with Wyatt. Callie rode the Knight Bus to Ravenswood, met some prostitutes, found out her dad was out of prison and not looking for her, and took control of her life via the classic sandwich, soda, candy bar trifecta.

We start this episode with Callie in juvie. Last time she was here she got beaten up before being released to the heavenly Lena. This time she is being led to a room where she meets, Ed, her new probation officer. He confronts Callie with the fact that this is her second trip to juvie, the first being the time to played whack-a-mole on the hood of her foster father’s car. She says, hey he was beating my little brother! Ed asks if she loves her brother and then wonders if two weeks ago she said she liked her foster home what the hell happened to make her run away. Callie says she’s sixteen going on seventeen and she doesn’t need any adults. She wants the Adams Fosters to adopt Jude but they should send her somewhere else. She doesn’t care what happens to her as long as Judicorn is adopted.

DAVID LAMBERT, SHERRI SAUM, JAKE T. AUSTIN

Around the dinner table (no pizza boxes so we know Mike didn’t cook), Stef is telling everyone she is heading back to work. Mariana wants to know if Stef is scared. Stef says, no, are you? Stef took psych 101 and knows the question tells you a lot about the person asking it. Mariana is scared and they have a chat about just how safe it is to be a cop. Did you know that it’s safer than being a guillotine tester? Phew, what a relief! Jude wants to know what is going to happen to Callie. Stef explains that Callie will go before the judge who will decide whether she gets more probation or if she has to go back to juvie. Brandon wants to go to court. Hold on there slugger, the moms aren’t sure if they are going to go. Jude looks so sad at the thought that they don’t want Callie anymore. They assure him they want to adopt him and his sister but Callie may not want anything to do with them. Brandon growls and picks at his food and says she didn’t run away without a reason. Jude shakes his head but Brandon can’t help himself and admits he kissed Callie and that’s why she ran away. Stef glares at him like she might like to knock his stupid head off (get in line lady).

Stef and Lena take Brandon out back and yell at him. Stef gets in his face and wants to know when, where, and what the holy hell he was thinking. Lena tries to get Stef to calm down. Lena, I kinda think you should let Coach scream at old Brandon here. Lena asks if Callie ran away because she didn’t feel safe? Lena, I love you. Can we take a second to remark on the fact that Lena is bringing up the subject that Callie may have felt triggered or otherwise unsafe in this house? Triggers can work in unpredictable ways. It’s not a mathematical equation. There’s no “if A and B, then C” about it. It can be slippery and elusive and one second she’s kissing a guy she likes and it’s fun and exciting and the next she can’t breathe properly and she can’t make her mind stop spinning out of control. So, let’s just take a second to appreciate the fact that Lena asks that question.

Brandon says no and sputters about how Jude saw them and she ran away because she didn’t want to screw things up for Jude. Hey now, cowboy, just because Jude feels like he is to blame doesn’t mean you can shift your part in all of this to him.  Lena tells him that if CPS knew they would take Callie and Jude away from their house. I would watch Lena and Stef set Brandon straight over and over.

I may be 145 years old but I do remember being a teenager. Teenagers are stupid. Their brains aren’t fully formed. They have no impulse control. They say things like “Callie freaked out” and need to be told, “No, actually Callie was right, she and her brother could have been taken from this house because you kissed her, numbnuts.” Brandon throws in a “We can’t help how we feel,” and Lena sends him inside so the moms can chat, and possibly drink their weight in wine.

Brandon stomps upstairs and is met with the righteous anger of Mariana Foster. She yells at him, calls him a creep, compares him to Liam and tells him he’s selfish. He snaps, “Screw you!” And with the best comeback of the night Mariana says, “I’m surprised you haven’t tried.” He growls that he didn’t grow up with Callie, she was only suppose to be in the house for a short time and he was fine with her being adopted because he wanted her to be happy. You think she’s happy now? Mariana asks. Mariana your status as the worst is revoked. You may now take your place as the best kid right behind Judicorn. Brandon whines that he’s not surprised Mariana doesn’t understand because she’s never had a boyfriend. Screw you, dude. Having a boyfriend doesn’t make you smarter. Just ask Lexi “let’s chance it without a condom” Rivera. Brandon tries Jesus but Jesus is like, “Yeah, I dug Lexi a lot but she wasn’t going to be my new sister, bro.”

TERI POLO, SHERRI SAUM

Back downstairs, Stef is wondering how the hell she missed this clusterfuck brewing in her house. Hmm, could it be because you were shot? Planning a wedding? Or, as Lena suggests because you are now the parents of squirrelly, secretive, teenagers? Let’s go with Lena, it’s good practice because she’s always right.  Jude appears and they call him over. He says he’s sorry he didn’t tell them and they shush him and smother him with mom love. Jude, you are not the problem, buddy. You are Matthew Saracen in a teenage wasteland of JD freaking McCoys.

The next morning a bailiff leads Callie into court where she scans the room for Kalinda Sharma because who wouldn’t hope to see that boot wearing goddess? The judge wants to know what Callie has to say. She says nothing and is surprised to hear that Stef and Lena are there in the court room. You knew they would come through!  Stef stands up and talks about how much they love Callie and how much she changed and grew while living with them. Her voice shakes as she describes the way Callie brought joy into their home and how they think she deserves a second chance. Then she drops the bomb. Stef and Lena are not ready to bring Callie home yet. WHAT?!

Meanwhile, at Paily Anchors Academy Mariana finds her way to a table for one before being joined by Chase. We know he’s cool because he wears a motorcycle jacket and can roll the ‘r’ in Mariana. He is also in the school play and wants Mariana to help out. Fool proof plans 101, get the hot guy from the play to ask underclass girls to help out. Works every time (except on the lesbians, although I am a little jealous of his jacket.)

On the other side of the quad under a tree Brandon is helping Talya run lines for The Glass Menagerie. She’s got this Black Sails thing going on with her outfit. Maybe they are having pirate day? He’s stilted and bored (I can understand the feeling) and then he gets huffy and tells Talya they have to break up. She asks if it’s because of Callie and, dammit, she wants the truth. He says yes and she storms off. Next time maybe channel your inner pirate and make him walk the plank.

In the theater room Mariana walks in a stares at Chase while Zach, gay freshman overachiever, yammers in her ear about how sending Chase out to recruit was the right strategy since the room is lousy with starry eyed teen girls. Zach’s a little starry eyed himself while they both watch Chase make announcements and butcher the English language. Mariana raises her hand to be the costume designer but so does crazy Kelsey. I love crazy Kelsey, she would drive me bananas in real life but her particular brand of nutty is a welcome change from Dawson Leery’s mooning. Looks like these two will be working together to get into Chase’s pants make the costumes. Mariana tells Kelsey that they can’t work together because Kelsey blamed Callie for stealing Jesus’s meds. Kelsey reminds Mariana that no one knows Mariana was her dealer because Kelsey kept her mouth shut. Oh I know this one! Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Mike is fixing Lena’s Volvo, while Stef is inside with Lena’s vulv—*ahem*.  Brandon’s not interested in helping to fix the car because he’s only into things that are all about him. Jesus says he’ll help Mike if Mike can beat him in a game of one on one.

Stef and Lena are putting away groceries in their courtroom attire. Bacon and women in suits, it’s lesbian Christmas.  Brandon bombs in and starts talking, “Where’s Callie? Is she here? Can I talk to her? Can we make out? Where’s Callie?” Dude, simmer down. Stef says Callie isn’t coming home just yet because they have to sort out how they can possibly have these two under the same roof.  Brandon volunteers to go live with Mike. How about we try a boarding school back East while you’re at it? Sadly, shipping him to an all boys school in Connecticut isn’t an option.  Lena explains that Callie need to learn coping skills because her impulsive behavior isn’t going to cut it.  Brandon starts lecturing the moms about how sending Callie to a group home is the worst idea. No, Brandon, you are the worst idea. He wants to see her.  Good grief, dude!  Stef and Lena are much calmer that I would be in this situation. They tell him that he and Callie need some time apart and he shouts, “We will never be over each other!  We’re IN LOVE!”

Callie is getting out of a car at a house that may have been the set for the latest iteration of Ryan Murphy’s land of nightmares (I don’t know because I’m a scaredy cat and do not watch such things). Thankfully when they ring the bell it’s the welcome sight of Rosie O’Donnell gracing our televisions.  She’s Rita, and she’s not going to take any of your shit, Callie.  Mrs. Garrett invites Jo in to meet Blair and the rest of the girls. One of the girls is familiar because in the first episode she gave Callie a very special send off from juvie by punching her face in. The girls go around and tell a little about themselves and why they are there. Callie claims she doesn’t belong there because she didn’t do drugs, or kidnap anyone, or belong to a gang.  But just like at Shawshank, everyone here says she’s innocent, too.

Brandon walks over to Jude’s room and leans against the doorway. Jordan Catalano he is not.  He starts talking and Jude gets off his bed and shuts the door in Brandon’s face. We are all Judicorn. Brandon just can’t help himself and walks back to his room to google the places where Callie might be staying.  Duuuuuuude.  You are stretching the limits of my empathy with your creepiness. This is not the way to win Jude back (or Mariana, or Jesus for that matter).

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