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Dara and Karman’s Top 10 Hottest Femmes

Last month, AfterEllen.com’s managing editor, Malinda Lo, assembled a panel of esteemed judges to rank the Top 15 Hottest Butches in popular culture. The resulting list created some heated debates among readers and inspired us to create a similar list of our favorite femme characters in film and television.

This time around we, Senior Writer Karman Kregloe and Contributing Writer Dara Nai, limited our panel to two judges (ourselves) and our contestants to ten femmes. Though we did this in an effort to streamline the process, we have no doubt that the femmes we’re ranking would probably interpret our actions as indications of our inherent laziness. And they would tell us so.

Using the time-honored rating system established by Blake Edwards and embodied by Bo Derek in the movie 10, we’ve evaluated the femmes in question based on their possession of the qualities listed below (and ranked them based on a possible 50-point total).

The Ideal Femme Qualities:

Personal Style: Clothes, hair, makeup and the way she carries it off – a femme’s personal flair is what sets her apart from all the others. Admit it – it’s the first thing that catches your eye.

Wit(s): Whether it’s brains, humor or (preferably) both, the best femmes are more than just pretty faces. They can talk their way out of (or, better yet, into) trouble, and if you’re lucky, they’ll take you with them.

Powers of Seduction: The lilt in her voice, the look in her eye, her dance moves, her laugh, her sigh. With her well-honed flirting skills, the ideal femme knows how to drive us to distraction, and we love her for it.

How She Works a Skirt: Tight skirts, miniskirts, pencil skirts (look it up, we did!) – we never met a skirt we didn’t like, except maybe the prairie kind. And our ideal femmes feel the same way.

Weaponry Skills: Whether she’s toting a machine gun or simply armed with a sharp tongue, the best femmes can take care of themselves just fine, thank you very much. Some of them can be downright murderous, even if all they’re assassinating is your (or some other unlucky bastard’s) character.

10. Evie (Nicole Ari Parker) in The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love: The Starter Femme

In Maria Maggenti’s portrait of first lesbian love, future L Word-er Laurel Holloman and Nicole Ari Parker star as teen lovers Randy and Evie, who are stuck in a small town full of narrow-minded twits. Their courtship rankles Evie’s mom, Evie’s friends and the older married woman Randy fools around with in the gas station bathroom. Randy may seem like the rebel of the two, but it’s Evie who risks everything for love.

Karman: There is something kind of dangerous – and therefore hot – about the teen femme who is just coming out of the closet. Is it the instability factor? Maybe she’ll dump you if she decides that she wants to be straight for her senior year after all.

Dara: I think it’s her budding sexuality that’s hot. That, and she had amazing eyes. Evie doesn’t quite know what to do with her feelings at first. Luckily for Randy, she’s not the type of girlfriend to pretend they don’t exist. Not that I know anything about that.

Karman: Or maybe Evie’s appealing because she’s the girl we wish we were having sleepovers with in high school instead of our straight best friends.

Dara: Speak for yourself. Heh.

Karman: Heh.

I mean, shut up!

Evie is smart, cultured and not afraid to piss off her friends by dating a fashion-challenged baby dyke. In fact, I think Evie is an ideal starter girlfriend. She’s not above using her feminine wiles to get some attention (“I think there’s something wrong with my car …”), and she’s willing to hold Randy’s hand in public. What she lacks in danger, she makes up for in grace.

Personal Style: 7 Wit(s): 8.5 Powers of Seduction: 6.5 How She Works a Skirt: 8.5 Weaponry Skills: 0.5

Total Score: 31 points

9.) Willow (Alyson Hannigan) in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Sexy Nerd Femme

Willow Rosenberg proved you don’t have to be slick to be captivating. From the early days, when Cordelia (Charisma Carpenter) described Willow’s style as “the softer side of Sears,” to anger management-challenged Evil Willow, the Slayer’s sidekick has always been spellbinding. Tara, arguably the only girl in Sunnydale even more awkward than Willow, fell in love at first sight – and who could blame her?

Dara: I can’t decide which I like more: sweet Willow or sour Willow. There was something so endearing about her nerdiness. I wanted to carry her books for her.

Karman: I always thought Willow was sexy, but maybe that’s because I’m a nerd too.

Dara: When she turned evil after Tara died, my favorite line came when she was fighting Buffy: “Oh Buffy. You really need every square inch of your ass kicked.” I love a femme with black boots and a crappy attitude.

Personal Style: 4 Wit(s): 9 Powers of Seduction: 5 How She Works a Skirt: 5 Weaponry Skills: 10

Total Score: 33 points

8. Spencer (Gabrielle Christian) in South of Nowhere: The Doe-Eyed Innocent Femme

In The N’s hit show South of Nowhere, Gabrielle Christian stars as Spencer, a small-town girl who comes out of the closet and into her own power when she moves to Los Angeles. She falls in love with her bad-girl best friend, Ashley (Mandy Musgrave) and battles homophobia at home and at school. She does all of this while maintaining good grades, a loving relationship with her dad, and gorgeous blonde highlights.

Karman: Spencer is a sweetie, but she also gets points for standing up to her bitch of a MILF mother, Paula, and for practicing enough restraint to not kick her homophobic, pill-popping brother Glen’s ass.

She doesn’t show as much skin as her estranged girlfriend, Ashley, but she bats her lashes and gives you the doe-eyed, baby-blue gaze, and you forget about the fact that she doesn’t have a back tattoo or a tongue piercing. Her lack of edge is endearing. And kind of sexy.

Dara: Yeah, that doe-eyed, baby face is very deceiving. She’s no pushover.

Karman: The rumor is that this season, Spencer will get at least one new girlfriend, so we’ll see if the new girl can bring out her wild side.

Dara: Is her new girl toy’s name Faith, by any chance? Sorry, I still have Buffy on the brain. How would you describe Spencer’s style? She’s the kind of girl I would try to sit next to in study hall.

Karman: Her style is Forever 21 plus Pac Sun plus Schoolgirl Uniforms R Us.

Dara: Now I feel old. And dirty.

. Personal Style: 7.5 Wit(s): 7.5 Powers of Seduction: 4.5 How She Works a Skirt: 9 Weaponry Skills: 5 (Do paintball guns count?)

Total Score: 33.5

 

7. Vivian (Lynn Chen) in Saving Face: The No-Nonsense Femme

In Alice Wu’s film Saving Face, Wilhelmina “Wil” Pang (Michelle Krusiec) is a workaholic young doctor with a bright future, a meddling mother (the awesome Joan Chen) and an out ballet dancer girlfriend named Vivian. When her mother moves in with her, Wil is forced to lie and sneak around to get any quality time with Vivian, who has little patience for her lover’s closeted antics.

Karman: Vivian is beautiful, graceful, no-nonsense and, most importantly, out.

Dara: Self-assuredness is very sexy.

Karman: She’s a career-minded dancer who knows what she wants – including what girl she wants – and she doesn’t sit around waiting for that girl to muster the guts to come out to her mother so that they can just be together.

Dara: Exactly. Both Wil and Vivian are beautiful, but Vivian has more backbone. Maybe it’s from all that dance training. Dancers’ bodies are awesome. Dancilious, if you will. And I will.

Karman: Yeah, I will, too. Anyway, Vivian is willing to travel the world alone if her girlfriend can’t get on board with making a life with her.

I thought Vivian was sexy and cool, and I didn’t understand what Wil’s problem was. I got frustrated watching her botch her thing with Vivian. She’s going to need to come out to her mom anyway; what could be a better motivator than a super hot girlfriend? Many people have been led out of the closet by far less tempting carrots.

Dara: I’d hate to be Wil. Caught between a super hot girlfriend urging you to come out and a Chinese mom who is ultra-traditional and single-minded. I crack under pressure like an egg.

Karman: But back to our categories. Did Vivian ever work with any impressive weaponry?

Dara: Yeah, she had a killer arabesque.

Personal Style: 7.5 Wit(s): 7 Powers of Seduction: 6.5 How She Works a Tutu: 8.5 Weaponry Skills: 4

Total Score: 33.5

6. Sharon (Jill Bennett) in In Her Line of Fire: The Feisty Femme

In In Her Line of Fire, the Vice President of the United States must rely on two lesbians to save his life when his plane goes down on a remote South American island inhabited by rebel insurgents. While it may sound like Mary Cheney’s home movies, this film is fictional–an original production brought to you by the gay television network, here!

The good news is that one of the rescuing lesbians is played by a real life out actress, Jill Bennett. Bennett plays Sharon, the pale femme press secretary who taps her inner butch, fires a machine gun and falls in love with the VP’s Secret Service agent, Sergeant Major Lynn Delaney. And she does it all while retaining her feminine sass and miraculously avoiding a nasty sunburn.

Dara: This movie is a guilty pleasure. I still can’t figure out which is worse: the laughable special effects or the beyond-silly plot. I only watched it to see perennial gay-for-pay actress Mariel Hemingway make out with gay-for-real actress Jill Bennett.

Karman: Sharon is a White House press secretary, which is a thankless job even when you’re not working for a corrupt and incompetent administration.

Dara: Sharon was just trying to do her job, but kept getting the freeze-out by Sergeant Major Hemingway. After their plane went down, the Sarge had to keep everyone alive, all while fighting her feelings for Sharon. She’s a multi-tasker.

I liked when Sharon had to run through the jungle – she got all sweaty. Then, her shirt gets torn up and she ends up barefoot for a while. But she eventually ends up in combat boots, which was oddly hot.

Bennett was like a less annoying Anne Heche in Six Days, Seven Nights. Her character wasn’t cut out for running through the jungle, but she wasn’t a useless simp either. She did let the Sarge apply some aloe to her delicate foot, though.

Karman: Naturally. And Sharon and the Sarge kind of have the Spencer Tracy/Katharine Hepburn dynamic going on, but without the repressed lesbian subtext or the gin blossoms.

Dara: When Mariel finally kisses Jill, it’s to shut Sharon up because she’s hysterical. And nothing calms a femme like a big mack on the lips.

Karman: Yeah, but Sharon did kill two guys who were trying to ambush the Sarge and the Vice President. You gotta love a girl who can go from shopping at Ann Taylor to taking out a couple of insurgents. So feisty!

Personal Style: 5 Wit(s): 8 Powers of Seduction:7 How She Works a Skirt: 8 Weaponry Skills: 9

Total Score: 37

5. Linda (Elizabeth Mitchell) in Gia: The Devoted Femme

In Gia, the HBO film that launched the gay crushes of a thousand straight women, Angelina Jolie starred as the heroin-addicted lesbian supermodel who died from AIDS. But even a beautiful mess like Gia Carangi needs a good woman by her side. That good woman was Linda (Elizabeth Mitchell), a mild-mannered – and initially straight – makeup artist who eventually falls for Gia’s reckless, stormy ways.

Dara: I think I might like Elizabeth Mitchell more than her character in this one. Linda wasn’t there for Gia when Gia started her downward spiral. She was living with that guy, and yet signing for all those flowers Gia kept sending her. Either refuse the roses or accept them and who they came from. I didn’t like that.

Karman: Yeah, but she had to come out and dump him first. Then she got with the program.

Dara: You could see their attraction from the moment she and Gia met. Eyebrow tweezing is a flirting technique I didn’t know about until this film. And Linda was willing to get naked with Gia on their first meeting. Where are these women, anyway?

Karman: I’ll tell you later.

Dara: You’d better. I guess I should admit I’m under Elizabeth Mitchell’s thrall. She has an ethereal quality that puts me in a trance. On ER, when she played Kerry Weaver’s lover, she had that same essence.

Karman: Not to mention an excellent smirk, a killer raised eyebrow, and a pile of blond tresses that would make Portia de Rossi squirm with envy.

In Gia, her girlfriend kicked in her window and lied to her, but she still took her back. Linda was willing to take that ride on the Rehab Railway for Gia. Now that’s devotion.

Dara: Elizabeth, er, I mean Linda was always throwing Gia these disapproving, “You’re crazy!” looks, even when Gia was acting out, and yet she couldn’t help but be charmed or mesmerized. Some of us live to have that look thrown our way.

Karman: It’s true. And a femme who can make you feel that way is a keeper. Even if she does hide your drugs from you.

Personal Style: 7.5 Wit(s): 8 Powers of Seduction: 8 How She Works a Skirt: 6 Weaponry Skills: 8 (A finely tuned B.S. detector can be deadly to the ego of a raging addict.)

Total Score: 37.5

4. Ruth (Mary-Louise Parker) in Fried Green Tomatoes: The Iron-Willed Femme

In Fried Green Tomatoes, one of the most lesbian nonlesbian films of all time, Mary-Louise Parker and Mary Stuart Masterson star as Ruth and Idgie, femme and butch “friends” who live together, own a business together, and raise a child together. Gay much? Idgie is as wild as Ruth is devout, and their chemistry-packed dance of opposites attracted a slew of obsessed lesbian fans. If you want to experience them as an actual couple, you’ll have to read the much gayer book (by Fannie Flagg) upon which the film was based. Or just use your imagination, like we do.

Karman: Ruth is a Good Woman.

Dara: I love Mary-Louise Parker in everything.

Karman: Me too, and I love that she played the role so gay even though the filmmakers amputated the overt lesbian stuff from the script. Ruth has the southern belle thing down, and that just oozes femininity. She’s a woman of conviction, evidenced by the Bible she’s always toting and quoting. She doesn’t put up with Idgie’s crap, but she’s not above being rescued either.

Dara: I like her strength. Even on her deathbed she was strong. That’s so Southern.

Karman: She’s the classic iron-willed femme.

Dara: Iron-willed. That’s the essence of a good femme.

Karman: Yeah, and the impossible ones too.

Dara: Well, we like them sassy.

Karman: Sad but true. In terms of weaponry, I don’t know if she’s a good shot, but she knows how to hold her own in a food fight, and her abusive ex did end up as barbeque, so maybe she’s a little dangerous after all.

Dara: Ruth was an excellent partner to Idgie. I give her points for being lovingly impressed when Idgie presented her with a jar full of fresh honey, instead of scolding her for doing something dangerous. What good is risking death by bees if you don’t get the desired response? Who hasn’t done something stupid to show off for a girl?

Karman: You are so onto what I was thinking, too. She knows how to receive. She gave the exact response a butch girl wants when doing gallant things. She didn’t bust her chops or make fun of her, she gave her the “Damn, you’re hot!” response.

Dara: Although if those were killer bees, it wouldn’t have gone so well for ol’ Idgie. Nothing kills the, er, buzz, on your romantic afternoon like a body full of red, puffy bee stings. Not sexy.

Karman: Yeah. Not hot.

Dara: Make a note of that. Stings and welts – not hot. Also not hot: screaming in pain.

Karman: Duly noted.

Personal Style: 6 Wit(s): 9 Powers of Seduction: 8 How She Works a Skirt: 7.5 Weaponry Skills: 7

TotalScore: 37.5

3. Carmen (Sarah Shahi) in The L Word: The Four-Alarm Fire Femme

In addition to making the top five on the AfterEllen.com Hot 100 List, Sarah Shahi made a big splash on The L Word as Carmen de la Pica Morales, the woman who captured the heart of resident stud Shane McCutcheon. In addition to spinning records, Carmen spun a few heads around with her effortless sexiness and her passionate nature. If Carmen asked us, we’d probably put on ugly party dresses too.

Karman: I fell in love with Carmen the first time she told Shane “f— you!” And I liked her even more when Shane replied, “OK,” and Carmen took the, um, challenge.

Dara: I love a woman who challenges me every now and then. Not being able to get away with everything is sexy – but a pain in the ass too.

Karman: And speaking of asses, you could bounce a dime off hers. I’m still recuperating from her bra/panties/garters striptease for Shane that was so rudely interrupted by a meaningless phone call from, of all people, Jenny (Mia Kirshner).

Note to Ilene Chaiken: I can forgive even the Betty theme song, but not the cutaway from that particular private dance.

Dara: Carmen’s no prude, that’s for sure. She had sex with Jenny while she was on the toilet. I found that scene disturbing.

Karman: Ugh. I agree. Carmen with Jenny was just so wrong, and that scene was the most wrong of the wrong. They didn’t even look comfortable with it, and they are both good actors.

Dara: I didn’t think it was possible to have a Carmen sex scene that was not hot, but there it was, in all its porcelain glory.

That said, I love Carmen’s style. Her clothes rock. I love her skirts – all four inches of them. And she has amazing teeth. A quality femme is all about good dental hygiene.

Karman: For me, it’s all about the hair. And she has a long, thick, gorgeous mane of it. Sigh. I need to take a moment.

OK, I’m back.

So what kind of jackass stands Carmen up at the altar? It’s like what the comic Sandra Valls said in her recent interview with AfterEllen.com, “You don’t cheat on Carmen. You cheat with Carmen!”

Dara: Word.

Personal Style: 9 Wit(s): 8.5 Powers of Seduction: 10 How She Works a Skirt: 10 Weaponry Skills: 7.5 (Fire extinguishers aren’t terribly lethal.)

Total Score: 45

2. Catherine Tramell from Basic Instinct: The Femme Fatale

Sure, Basic Instinct incited protests by LGBT groups across the country (and not because of the shot of Michael Douglas’ naked behind) but it also launched the career of the LGBT-friendly AIDS activist Sharon Stone.

As the (allegedly) murderous novelist Catherine Tramell, Stone was a seductive force of nature. Irresistible to both men and women who should know better, her character was a modernized version of the classic film noir femme fatale. And like those saps in the films of the 1940s, we didn’t want to fall in love with her, but we just couldn’t help ourselves

Dara: She puts the “fatal” in “femme fatale.” Too hot. Too cold. A killer come-hither and a royal bitch. Is there something wrong with me that I find that to be a perfect combination?

Karman: If so, then we’re both screwed.

She’s too smart for her own (or anyone’s) good, and a ringer for Grace Kelly in To Catch a Thief, to boot. Only Sharon Stone would have eaten Alfred Hitchcock for breakfast.

Dara: Also, a little mystery is a key trait for a legendary femme. To not be known is sexy. And Catherine was dangerous – another must-have femme trait.

Karman: Stone’s character gleefully used sex as a weapon, and when that didn’t work, her trusty ice pick worked just fine.

Dara: No one can intimidate Catherine, especially men. She’s shocking but totally blasé about it. She knows her power and uses it with relish. Her power is 100 percent female. Michael Douglas’ character spends the entire film frantic or thwarted or hypnotized by her. She’s a total psycho, but her psychosis is designer.

Personal Style: 9 Wit(s): 9 Powers of Seduction: 10 How She Works a Skirt: 9 Weaponry Skills: 9

Total Score: 46

1. Violet (Jennifer Tilly) in Bound: The Boom-Pow Femme

Bound was the first film written and directed by the Wachowski Brothers, who later went on to make the ground-breaking Matrix trilogy. Keen observers will see that almost everything cool about The Matrix was done first, and perhaps best, in Bound. This includes inventive camera angles, atmospheric lighting, Joe Pantoliano playing a sleazy villain, and a beautiful heroine with jet black hair and clothing who rescues her feminine Prince Charming from certain death.

While we loved watching Carrie-Anne Moss kick all kinds of virtual ass in her tight black leather motorcycle suit in The Matrix, she doesn’t hold a candle to Tilly’s über femme lesbian siren in Bound. Voluptuous, seductive, and blessed with nerves of steel, Violet exudes a ferocious, earthy sexiness that rivals the powers of any action heroine.

Dara: Violet is smart. She knows how to work a skirt and heels. She’s coy but not dumb. I wouldn’t mind being in Corky’s shoes, although I think Violet’s breathy, little-girl voice would get on my nerves after a few months.

Karman: Hmm, something tells me you’d find a way to work through that.

Violet’s resourceful, a master flirt, has the guts to take on the mob and to seduce a woman right under her boyfriend’s nose.

Dara: And she’s smarter than all the men around her, using her feminine wiles to her advantage. She knows her boyfriend’s boss, Mickey, has the hots for her, so she plays the helpless moll when she needs something from him.

Corky is not as smart as Violet. Violet’s a survivor who has her world by the ‘nads. And she certainly has Corky’s.

Karman: One of my favorite moments in the film – hell, it’s one of my favorite film scenes of all time – is the one in which Corky and Violet meet for the first time in the elevator.

Dara: Talk about giving someone the blatant once-over. And when Violet exits the elevator with Caesar, she sashays down the hall, knowing full well that Corky’s eyes are glued to her ass. That’s ass-confidence if I ever saw it.

Karman: You know it’s only a matter of time until the actual seduction happens, and when it does … well, it’s worth the wait.

I love that Corky is never quite sure if Violet’s just using her to get the money, or if she’s really in love with her. As they say in Blue Crush, Corky just has to “take the risk to feel the rush.” But when the moment of truth finally arrives, Violet doesn’t double-cross her woman. Instead, she kills for her.

Dara: Cold cash, warm heart and not a shrinking Violet. Boom-Pow, it’s Jennifer Tilly.

Karman: Smart, beautiful, sexy and fully loaded. Violet is the ideal femme.

Personal Style: 10 Wit(s): 10 Powers of Seduction: 10 How She Works a Skirt: 10 Weaponry Skills: 10

Total Score: 50

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