“American Horror Story” recap (3.11): Crotchless panties for everyone!

Previously on The Camptastic Adventures of Former Oscar Winners, Queenie was dead, Delphine was irreconcilably separated from her head, and Marie and Fiona had combined forces to form a superstorm of bitchiness.  This week we return to delve deeper into Delphine’s sadism, which I could live without, but we are also treated to two witches and a jazz musician massacring the patriarchy with an axe, which I could not live without.

We begin the day Delphine arrives in New Orleans, where she immediately discovers:

1. She is a racist.
2. She likes to hurt people.
3. She is in the right place and historical moment for those interests to dovetail.

And before the day is up, she has strung up a slave in the attic so she can play with his blood.

AHS11.1IT WAS THIS OR YOGA AND I’M NOT VERY BENDY. 

We return to the present day just in time for Nan’s funeral.

AHS11.2

Fiona: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to mourn the loss of dear, sweet, Nan.
Marie: LOVED THAT GIRL. GONNA MISS HER PRECIOUS FACE.
Myrtle: Does anyone else find it a bit odd that she “fell in the bathtub and drowned?”
Fiona: That is a really insensitive thing to bring up at her funeral.
Myrtle: And does anybody find it odd that Misty Day abruptly disappeared after meeting Stevie Nicks?
Madison: Yeah, she twirled that shawl so hard she flew away.  Now I have literally seen a woman taken by the wind.

Before anybody’s desperately flimsy alibi can fall apart, Queenie(!) shows up leading Marie on a leash.  She’s not real thrilled with Marie for leaving her for dead, or with Cordelia for marrying her attempted murderer.  Actually, it’s unclear why she has returned to the coven at all, since she’s so displeased with everyone.

Meanwhile, in Atlanta, Lumberjack Senior is LITERALLY hugging his financial portfolio like it is a teddy bear (or like it is his late son, who one senses could have benefited from some hugs).  He decides to call a meeting with the coven so they will take the spell off his money.  Naturally all parties plan to double-cross each other.

And now it’s time for more fun with Delphine. Whatcha doin’ there, Delphine?  Putting some poop in the soup you made for everyone?

AHS11.3LOL that’s some good pranking.

Watching Fiona get dressed through a keyhole?

AHS11.4Can’t say as I blame you.

Locking the gardener up in the Spalding’s doll attic so you can torture him to death?

AHS11.5Why you always gotta take everything too far, Delphine?

When ghost Spalding finds her post-disembowelment, he suggests that they work together to destroy Marie Laveau.  He asks her to go buy a mysterious object in exchange for a potion that will render Marie mortal.

More you may like