Kendall is most definitely mad at Kimmie. She blames her for last week’s break-up with Richard, and working together has been a little awkward. That doesn’t stop Kimmie from performing a Renaissance Faire song and dance about an apple tree. (Of course not!) Richard apologizes to Kimmie and says it’s not her fault. Kendall is just insane.
“If you ask me, Kendall needs a hard kick in the clam.” Marika knows the right thing to say in all situations. Kimmie decides she needs to catch Kendall in the act of harassing her at work, so she’ll borrow the nanny cam they use to prove to Marika that she sleep walks/eats.
Helen-Alice and Marika had a crazy day, too. They ran into those Valley Girl blonde friends of Kimmie’s sister on the street. “They’re gonna give us makeovers!” Helen-Alice says excitedly. It’s all going down at their New Jersey salon, You Are Hair. Marika, clad in a navy polo, says she’s kind of surprised they want to take a before and after photo, though. “I’m not saying I’m a supermodel, but I’ve seen the way guys look at me when I’m cruising down the sidewalk on my Segway.”
Back at the office, Kendall is trying to ruin Kimmie’s life by switching up files for her presentation. Specifically, she inserts a photo of Kimmie in a black and white striped bathing suit holding up a ham. Instead of freaking out, Kimmie lets everyone else know Kendall was behind this. “Do you really think I’d let myself be photographed in horizontal stripes? Puh-lease.”
Kimmie presents the nanny cam, which proves Kendall not only altered the photo but ate Kimmie’s glazed donut that she was saving for an afternoon treat. Kendall is more embarrassed by the donut, I’m pretty sure. She then tells the entire room Kimmie is a virgin, and no one is saying anything to stop this at all. Kimmie just keeps going on about her boyfriend James and all the sexy things they do. Kendall and Kimmie call each other liars and Kendall hits Kimmie in the boob. Again, everyone is just letting this happen. WTF, you glorified extras!
HR is called in, at least, and Kendall says if any of this threatens her career, “I swear to god, Kimmie, you’re going to wish your boobs were never born.” Kimmie responds perfectly: “At least mine were born.”
Fred Armisen is Brian, the HR mediator. “You’re both here to learn appropriate and inappropriate in the work place.” This is definitely something necessary for these two. Brian has them playing Behavioral Bingo, which sounds relatively fun until they have to start saying nice things to each other. It doesn’t happen.
Meanwhile, Marika and Helen-Alice go to You Are Hair to see Haley and Heidi, where the queeny receptionist says “Ew” to both of them like a total douche. “Do you need us to have messy hair and have bad clothes for the picture?” Helen-Alice asks. “Yes,” says one of the bitchy blondes. “You were so sweet to do that before you got here.” This show is basically about mean girls and underdogs, and it’d be really great if the underdogs could start having some more victories around here.
Fred Armisen is pulling out marbles for a new game where Kimmie and Kendall give each other backhanded compliments. “Kimmie, you’re a lawyer.” “Kendall, it is very impressive how you use make-up to cover up your evil.” Not going well. Then they role-play and insult each other some more, mostly about 1.) Kimmie’s weight, 2.) Kendall’s narcissism and 3.) Kimmie’s crush on Richard. Fred Armisen is upset they are not learning or sharing from these experiences and puts them to work on building a bridge out of popsicle sticks. Kimmie is psyched and sings a song about their budding friendship, which she is hoping translates into reality. But Kendall said she just helped build the bridge to get out of the room. “This isn’t over. Not by a longshot.”
Kimmie follows Kendall into her office. She genuinely wants to work things out, despite Kendall being an insufferable bitch. Richard interrupts and does a Jack Sparrow impression. Kendall heads to the bar where she gets angry at a group of people celebrating, asking them to keep their happiness to themselves. Kimmie and Richard come in to talk to her. Kendall has had a few martinis and definitely does not care about hurting anyone’s feelings. She’s naming off the reasons why she’s so much better than Kimmie and why Richard should want to be with her.
OK, it is beyond awkward that Richard is just sitting there silently and these women are fighting over him when he’s not dating either of them at the present moment. They are worth a lot more than what this weird British boss of theirs thinks, and it’s stupefying that he is a part of it. Kendall tells Kimmie things are always so easy for her, which leads Kimmie to say “UM, WTF?” Actually she says, “Do you know what it’s like to be teased constantly about the way you look? To be picked last always? To write fan erotica so extreme that even the internet says ‘too much’?” Kendall says her life is hard, too. She has a lot of pressure on her because she’s thin and pretty and successful. I’m playing a tiny violin for you, Kendall.
Richard apologizes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. If you should be angry with anybody, it should be me.” Kendall claims she is not mad at Kimmie, because she just can’t be. Kimmie is too freaking nice. Group hug!
At the salon, Marika is told her mustache is going to be waxed. “I have a mustache?” she asks. Helen-Alice has a hair full of foil and toxic chemicals. At the big reveal, they are told “Get ready to look like women for the first time in your entire lives.” Marika has a Snooki bump and Helen-Alice is not allowed to put her glasses on. “It’s our duty to spread beauty!” the blondes say.
“So if I want to keep this sex train chugging full time,” Marika asks, “what would I have to do?” All kinds of hair products, obviously. At home, the makeovers haven’t been recreated perfectly but Kimmie pretends to love them. They offer to make her over too, but she’s like, “I don’t think all three of us should go glamorous at once!” Actually, she looks quite glamorous in her super cute black and white dress and curled goldilocks. Where will they go out that night? They pick from the Super Fun Night jar. “Mixer at the Manhattan School for the Blind.” Kimmie’s alright with that. “Perfect!”