“The Fosters” recap (1.11): “Come here, woman”

Previously on The Fosters, everything happened (no really, everything).  Most recently, the moms asked Jude and Callie if they could adopt them, Stef and Lena got married, Callie and Brandon kissed, Jude McCullersed a garbage can, and Callie ran away with Wyatt and his Pantene commercial hair.

The second half of the first season opens just where we left off, with our two moms doing a little naked spooning after their wedding.  They coo at each other over their new, matching, un-hyphenated last names. Adams Foster does have a nice ring to it, in that lesbians-share-every-damn-thing-including-too-many-syllables kind of way. Stef’s mom is still around and making bacon but even bacon can’t compete with a warm bed and a hot wife who calls you “woman” and doesn’t mind morning breath.

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While the moms have a post-wedding “morning skate,” Annie Potts is continuing her magic in the kitchen. The kids are eating while she puts away glasses from the reception and regales them with tales of her wedding to Stef’s father. Brandon skulks in and asks Jude where Callie is.  Jude shoot daggers at Mr. Snoggypants and says Callie is at her guitar lesson because nothing says women’s college lady killer like being able to play “Closer to Fine” on the quad. Stef and Lena glide into the kitchen on a pillow of post-coital bliss. That sound you hear is a million lesbians falling over at the sight of Stef rocking that flannel shirt. Married life looks good on your Stef, real good.

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Stef says, “Wow, it looks like you were up all night too, Mom. And not doing the fun stuff I was doing with Lena.” Jesus even helped grandma put the tables in the back of the car, which was sweet but not helpful since here’s Mike coming to pick them up. While they sort out the great table debacle of 2014, Jesus and Mariana fight over who gets to spend time with Lexi before she goes to Honduras for two weeks. Lena and Mike marshall the troops to switch the table and chairs and glasses while Stef and her mom have a little heart to heart about whether Stef and Lena should be adopting two more kids.  Stef assures her mom that she’s a grown ass adult and she and Lena have thought plenty about it and are sure they can handle adding a couple more hormonal teens to their house.

At a gas station in the middle of a desert somewhere, Wyatt tosses his perfectly coiffed hair and waits for Callie to return with snacks. He refuses to let her into the car until she tells him what the hell it is she’s running from. Wyatt has graduated to the withholding until we process stage of lesbianism. I kind of love bitchy Wyatt. Callie gets in the car and sets the theme for the episode.  She just wants control over her life for once. Wyatt nods like he understands and drives off.

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Back home, Jude and Brandon are folding table linens.  Brandon says, “I just want to make sure we’re cool, bro.” Jude says, “No, you don’t. You just want to know if I’m going to tell everyone you were stuffing your tongue down my sister’s throat.” Judicorn, you are the absolute best. Brandon figures they can sort it all out but Jude is having none of it.  He slams his half folded napkin down and tells Brandon to leave his sister alone because otherwise they won’t get adopted. Then Jude takes it a step further and tells Brandon that he’s just like Liam. Hey, Jude. Don’t make a bad comparison. Brandon might be an unthinking teenager who jeopardized your chance at a stable home life but he’s no rapist.  Brandon says he’s nothing like Liam and that he loves Callie.  Jeez, Brandon, I bet Jude loves having a stable home where he is supported and loved for being who he is not beaten for it.

Meanwhile, Sharon is upstairs supervising a couple of dudes who are delivering a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed for Stef and Lena. Jude walks in and tells Grandma that the moms are going to kill her for messing with their bed. She tells him to shush because this bed is so fantastic that she keeps around her nimrod of a boyfriend just because she loves his bed so much. Sharon, from the look of the opening scene, I don’t think Stef and Lena are having any trouble in the bed department.  They play with the buttons and Jude folds himself into a bed taco (not a euphemism, although on a show with lesbians it should be) and asks Grandma, why not ditch the nimrod and buy yourself a new bed?  Just like that Grandma has been Judicorned.

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Next door Mariana and Lexi are working on their project, or a ransom note, it’s hard to tell with all the magazines and poster board. Jesus barges in and asks if he can make out with his girlfriend. Mariana gets huffy and says they need to finish the project. Jesus appeals to Lexi who gets up to leave, Mariana pouts some more and Lexi comes back to the project.  Lexi pulls the classic high school girl thing and tells Mariana she’ll understand someday when she’s in love too. Hold on, my eyeballs just fell out of my head I rolled them so hard.  Mariana calls Lexi on the horseshit that it is and stomps off for a soda.

Callie and Wyatt are examining Area 51 and eating green snow cones while they discuss the ethics of time travel. Callie wishes she could jump forward five years so she would be living on her own and Jude would be almost eighteen. They could be together without foster families and CPS getting in the way. Wyatt asks what about Jude, now? Callie says the little guy is better off without her.  Poor Wyatt, his lesbian starter kit covered processing feelings and epic hair, but he needs to wait for next month’ package to handle this shit.

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Speaking of Jude, he bops his way to the living room and fires up the XBox.  While turning his chair around he notices Callie’s guitar. Stef, you’re a cop, if you want to make detective this is the shit you need to start noticing. Jude rushes upstairs and breaks up Lexi and Mariana’s study session to pull open Callie’s closet and dresser. There are no clothes, no things, nada. Brandon saunters in and asks what’s going on. “I am the one who get to rifle Callie’s drawers!” Jude scowls at him and says, “She ran away, dumbass.”

Down in the kitchen command center the guitar and Callie’s cell phone are in the middle of the table and Stef is grilling everyone on any tiny details they might have as to why Callie left and where the hell she has gone. Stef can’t believe that no one knows anything. Your instincts are right, Mama. Somebody knows all right. Brandon gives Jude a pathetic look. Stef wonders if they freaked her out with the offer of a permanent home. Nope guys, it wasn’t you. They have to notify Callie’s probation officer. Jude asks Lena if Callie is going to go back to juvie and Lena says she doesn’t know but promises everything will be all right.

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Wyatt and Callie have stopped for the night at a delightful looking motel. Mona’s A Team lair is probably on the other side of the wall. While Callie takes a shower Wyatt ignores a call. It’s from Lena who leaves a frantic message. Wyatt broods in the dark wondering what the hell he’s gotten himself into with Callie.

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