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“Lost Girl” Recap (4.08): Soylent green is candy

Lost Girl troll so hard, fangirls wanna fine it—for the damages incurred from swallowing their own tongues. Yeah, about those first two minutes. Bo. Car. Water. Suds. I know we’ve seen it before. But daaaaayum, if it isn’t even better the second time around. Slow-motion cameras, we salute you.

So, yes, that car wash scene happened. Yes, it was gratuitous. Yes, it was glorious. Yes, it quite literally melted Lauren’s ice cream. Yes, it metaphorically melted all of our ice creams. Yes, I watched it more than once, again. Yes, it was for investigative purposes—again.

But besides being ridiculous (I mean, who washes a convertible with the top down?) and ridiculously hot (I mean, who washes a convertible in a sheer white tank top?), the scene also marks a significant milestone in the long-festering bromance between Lauren and Dyson. Indeed, it was good for them—I mean her. Therapeutic or something.

You know, I could probably write an entire thesis on how well Zoie Palmer embodies unadulterated lust in this scene. But I think I’ll just let her dripping scoop of vanilla do the talking for me.

Of course Hale has to come and quite literally snap them and us out of communal lust. Who knew Sirens were such party poopers. Having successfully removed some Under Fae’s guts form her grill while out on yet another unsuccessful mission to find the other Hell Shoe, Bo goes into the gas station to pay for the car wash. This being Canada, the attendant tells her to leave the cash on the counter because of friendliness and maple syrup. What, aren’t those Canada’s two biggest exports?

Bo does just that, and grabs a gum drop on the way out for good measure. But you know what they say about beware strangers bearing candy? It applies to Canada, too.

Hale and Dyson share schoolboy glee about the impending Yule night festivities and their shared fear of Krampus. Bo asks, “Who’s got cramped ass?” along with most Americans watching along. Forget a dumb lump of coal, folks. Human (and apparently Fae) children who grew up in countries that believed in Krampus feared a horned Christmas devil who would beat bad children with switches and carry them away in his sack to the underworld.

Bo pops the gum drop defiantly into her mouth anyway, because she is the naughty list. Then she yawns, hands the keys over and vows to get out of her wet clothes. The bromance ends unceremoniously as Lauren and Dyson fight to get into the back seat with her. Lauren wins out because fandom demands it. And a merry Yule to us all.

Next thing we know, despite Kenzi’s insistence to the gang they shower her with love and support, Bo wakes up alone in the dark still in her car. Also there’s a song about not forgetting about me playing on the radio and we all know this show loves its symbolic use of music.

A miffed Succubus walks into a party—wait, I think I know this joke. What she finds is a rager in full progress with snogging couples, beer-bonging Bruce and a hustling psychoactive toad Fae. Also there’s Vex—oh, did I mention Vex is back? Because he is, no explanation required because there he is minus one hand and plus one of Bo’s corsets. p.s. Not to be rude, I am sure the special effects budget is stretched to the max each week turning brown eyes blue and dudes into wolves, but could it be any more obvious that Paul Amos’ actual hand is still under there?

Equally stumped (see what I did there?) are Dyson and Lauren whose on-again, off-again rivalry/bromance continues as they are alone together in Bo’s bedroom pondering what to do with her box. Oh, please—like I wasn’t going to make that joke. The mystery box was sent to the Dark Archives by Bo herself and its contents are giving them both pause.

Lauren says she shouldn’t have opened it and Dyson thinks they shouldn’t give it to her and Lauren insists they shouldn’t tell her about it. But we can at least all agree it’s Dyson’s fault. Also, that they’re going to need more booze.

So, I don’t know about you, but it’s going to take a hot minute for me to get used to Kenzi and Hale making out. I appreciate this whole slow-burn romance thing they’ve built up, but now that it’s here I still can’t shake the brother-and-sister vibe I get seeing them together. Unless that’s on purpose and someone in the writers’ room was a huge Flowers in the Attic fan. Kenzi interrupts their macking to say her Kenzi Sense is tingling. No, not down there. Hale tries to make sexy talk about flatulence and tanks, and then promptly promises to do better next time.

I immediately ignore what seemed like an off-handed comment because oh sweet merciful Zeus, TAMSIN IS BACK. Yes, there she is (in leather, no less) walking across the room at the party like she hasn’t even been gone for two episodes. She strides up to Bo and promptly plants a huge smackeroo right on her. This is not a drill, people. Valkubus is back.

Bo is like, what the what and Tamsin is all, don’t worry you won’t remember it in 2 seconds and someone throws a beach ball into some glasses and “Opa!” Bo’s back alone in the dark in her car and that damn song is on the radio. Apparently Bill Murray was not available for a cameo this episode. Nor Andie MacDowell.

She goes back upstairs and it’s snoggers, bongers, froggers all over again. Tamsin tells her they’re stuck in a loop and reliving the same night over and over again. But this time it changed, just a little, when Bo and her kissed. So, you know, why not try again—for science.

Bo says it did “nada,” but Tamsin tells her to speak for herself. Oh, you didn’t think I’d catch that? I totally caught that. Tamsin recovers and suggests trying it with someone she has more of a connection—Lauren, Dyson? But Bo says they’re acting “weird” and here comes that damn beach ball.

Bo decides to just go with it treat the night as the never-ending party it is, her and Tam-Tam get down to the business. Not that business, not yet. Arm wrestling sasquatches business, chugging pony kegs business. OK, now it’s time for that business. In the middle of the room. In front of everyone. Wait, don’t cut away. I mean, Doccubus 4 Lyfe. But seriously, did that just happen?

Do hook-ups in the midst of quantum time loops count? Asking for a friend.

Dude, if Lauren and Dyson knew what Bo was doing with her actual box, perhaps they wouldn’t be obsessing about the wooden one. Alas, the buddy rivals (it’s a thing), are drunkenly deliberating what to do with the mystery package. I think all major life decisions should be decided via drinking game, don’t you?

Then Lauren and Dyson play a little one Bo-manship. I know more than her rack size and underwear line. I sacrificed my love to save her. Yadda yadda. Vex has had enough and offers to officiate to settle the most boring threesome ever once and for all. Oh, Vex—honey, if only you really could.

So Bo and Tam are enjoying the afterglow. Bo says Kenzi missed her—sure, just Kenzi. And Tamsin says she needed to find her kind and has a lot to amend for. So she tells Bo there’s something she needs to tell her. Oh, nice, tell her after you guys, well, you know. But before she can one of the partygoers gets sucked into the wall. And he’s not the first—Bruce has gone missing, too. So much for the afterglow.

Back in the battle over Bo’s box (seriously, as metaphors go this one is the opposite of subtle), Lauren and Dyson are still comparing the size of their…importance in her life. I actually don’t mind this rather blatant fanning of the rival fandom flames, because Zoie Palmer playing drunk is almost better than Zoie Palmer singing in French. Almost. Palmerists have just about died and gone to heaven this season, I swear.

The competition ends when they acknowledge their mutual ability to let Bo down, repeatedly. And they hug it out in a drunken, “I love you man, even though I love Bo and you do too”-moment. Does it make me a bad shipper to say I like it when they all get along? Let’s all hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.”

Speaking of holding hands, Lauren decides to reward Vex for his, um, whatever by reattaching his hand. Drunken ideas are the best ideas. I mean the worst ideas. I mean the worst best ideas. Don’t lie, you’d totally let Doctor Hotpants perform drunken surgery on you.

Also drunk and not to be trusted with a scalpel is Trick. Bo and Tamsin try to get information from him about how they got an unwanted ticket to Groundhog Day: The Experience, but he has chosen a bathtub as a good place to sleep so that goes nowhere. Also, good rule of thumb, never trust anyone wearing a tie as a bandana.

Back in the Haus of Kale, our new lovebirds are still at it. But Hale’s sexy talk just keeps getting worse and worse. Note to all humans: Never try to work the phrase “burning sensation” into a pick-up line. (Unless, you’re actually on fire, in which case stop trying to mack and call 911.) Hey, hold up, why do we keep seeing this same make-out moment between these two? Is someone also caught in Da Loop?

Yeah, Hale is stuck in Yule-gatory (I tried, OK) with them. So they’ll never get to use those “Fat Free” and/or “Fig-Flavored” condoms Bo left Kenz in her “First-Time-With-A-Fae” care pack. Fig flavored? These are the times I’m extra happy to be a lesbian.

One last try to extracting information from Trick only ends up with a confession that gramps hasn’t told her about The Wanderer out of sheer terror. So Bo and Tamsin go to find someone else to pump for information. Since Hale isn’t doing any pumping of his own, he obliges. This isn’t a rip in the space-time continuum, it’s just Krampus who picks some Yule Fools each year to relive the night and feed off their regret.

Hale has put himself through the loop to perfect his “game,” with Kenzi. Of course Kenzi hears this and is hurt because, gross. And Bo hit in the arm for good measure because, besties. But they’ve got more pressing things to worry about because the gas station attendant’s little friend has sucked Tamsin (who was trying to protect her) into the wallpaper of regret (but seriously, what were they thinking) and Bo is off to save her, the day and Christmas.

In the Room of Reconciliation, Lauren and Dyson continue to sloppily sing the wrong lyrics to “Kumbaya.” Vex gives us all the tl;dr version and says while they both still want the same person, they simply don’t hate each other anymore. Now let’s reattach that hand so no more disembodied limbs can grope Lauren.

In our second subplot wrap-up scene, Hale and Kenzi work out his repeat performance deception. He was nervous because he is a love virgin. She forgives him. Big kiss. Big hug. Now, where’s Tamsin?

Bo figures out the gas station is the common denominator in the disappearances and heads there. She jumps into the magic engine block and lands in Willy Wonka’s cannibalistic cousin’s lair. He’s turning the naughty into nice candy. And Tamsin is next.

Tam-Tam tells Bo she wants her to have the first lick of her lollipop. Subtle. But Bo’s in no mood for rotted teeth and uses the knife Hale gave her to jam the machine. Still releasing her doesn’t do anything to release the guilt. Tamsin confesses that she is the reason The Wanderer captured Bo.

She was a bounty hunter back in the day, and The Wanderer hired her to find Bo. But she thought surely the creature he described couldn’t possibly exist: “Eyes both brown and blue. Virtuous, yet lustful. Neither Dark nor Light.” Yet there Bo is real. And now she’s filled with regret for letting that monster find her.

But Bo instantly forgives Tamsin and they hug it out because this episode is the Oprah of hugs. You get a hug! And you get a hug! AND YOU GET A HUG!

The nasty little candy master breaks up their moment. But he’s just Krampus Jr. The real deal arrives and is sort of like that weird great uncle no one likes to invite to family reunions. A horny old guy in a bad Hawaiian shirt.

He apologizes for his overzealous son and sends Tamsin and Bruce back to their Yuletide fun. But Bo he keeps because her mix of darkness, guilt, denial are enough to make candy from for decades. So he straps her to the gobstopper machine and then becomes an impromptu therapist. What is Bo afraid of?

Making the wrong choice, losing her friends and family, what she will become, what she is capable of, The Wanderer. Krampus Claus laughs and sends her back. Man, how is he still in business as a candy maker if he keeps helping his raw materials confront their demons?

She lands back in the auto shop with a thump. And then she tells Tamsin how scared she is. But Tam-Tam tells her not to be, because she’s got her. And then, you guessed it, more hugging. If you know a Valkubus shipper, I hope you checked on her after this episode. Don’t want mass fainting spells or worse to have befallen a whole segment of the fandom. Shippers helping shippers, yo.

So, everything is back to relative normal. Time is marching on. And Bo asks Tamsin if she could be The Wanderer’s daughter. Tam says he would do anything to find his ideal mate, even create her himself. So now I know someone read too much V.C. Andrews because, hello, incest-o-rama.

Kenzi comes out and replaces the gross family relationship with her more adorable mother-daughter dynamic with Tamsin. But neither Tam-Tam, nor Bo, can go back into the party because of some Light/Dark rules. So Bo decides to stay outside with her thoughts and the mysterious box Lauren and Dyson both were too drunk to decide what to do with. Inside? The Lost Smoke Monster in a bottle. Wow, Amazon really does deliver everything.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Any time you can make fun of Twilight is a good time in my book.

“Enough, Stephenie Meyer!”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Like there was ever a single damn doubt.

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