We’re only a few weeks away from the winter premiere of The Fosters, and after watching the press screeners for the first two episodes, I’m happy to report that ABC Family’s two-mama drama is as Fosters-y as ever — by which I mean: It’s going to be a cry fest.
When last we left our favorite married couple, they’d just been, well, married. They were dancing to “Same Love” and spooning naked in bed with their wedding rings shining in the lamplight. Oh, and their oldest son had tried to ruin everything by kissing his foster sister, so she ran away into the night with her bratty ex-boyfriend while her perfect, precious little brother sat awake and worried that he was going to end up homeless. The winter premiere picks right up where the summer finale left off: in bed! But it doesn’t take long for the drama and the tear-jerking to start.
How many tears will you shed? How many tissues should you pre-buy? Use our handy cheat-sheet below to find out just how many minutes you’ll be crying during the opening of the new season.
Does it make you cry when:
Two women celebrate their incandescent post-wedding bliss by canoodling? (If yes, add 45 seconds to your cry-time.)
A TV theme song reminds you it’s not where you come from, it’s where you belong, that you’re surrounded by love, and you’re wanted — and also that pancakes are delicious? (If yes, add 20 seconds to your cry-time.)
A straight, white, upper-middle-class teenage boy can’t check his boner despite the fact that he is ruining his moms’ lesbian wedding honeymoon/the life of a precious genderqueer unicorn? (If yes, add 4 minutes to your cry-time.)
You’re reminded what a frikkin fantastic actress Rosie O’Donnell is? (If yes, add 90 seconds to your cry-time.)
Transgender storylines are treated with grace and respect by TV writers? (If yes, add 30 seconds to your cry-time.)
You remember that the other show on TV that features a teenage transgender character is Glee? (Add 4 hours to your cry-time.)
Jude does his whole adorable Judicorn deal? (Add 18 minutes to your cry-time.)
Sherri Saum and Terri Polo‘s chemistry makes your heart hammer wildly in your chest, whether Stef and Lena are fighting or making out or making up? (Add 6 minutes to your cry-time.)
You think about the fact that two married women showcase the most stable, loving, committed, healthy relationship on a network founded by one of the world’s most notorious homophobes? (Add 2 minutes to your cry-time, followed by one hour of maniacal laughter and fist-pumping.)
So, basically, buy at least two boxes of Kleenex. The Fosters winter season kicks off on January 13th. Are you excited?