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“Lost Girl” recap (4.06): Don’t give me no lip, woman

I screamed, out loud and everything, no less than three times watching this episode. And each scream was for a decidedly different reason: delight, confusion and vindication. There was also one groan, though not the good kind. Still, all in all, that’s not too shabby of a track record on the gamut of emotions scale for one little hour. So are ours prepared? Have you warned the neighbors about potential loud noises emanating from your place? Then we shall begin.

A Russian diva (the singing kind, not the kind that throws a drink on you at a dinner party) is performing for an audience of one. But escapes silently afterward and happens to stumble into the Dal. Of all the gin joints, etc. etc. She sees Bo and — thanks to Kenzi’s Russian translation — we learn she’s thrilled to have found her. Because “she” told her to come. But who is she? Well, Bo, of course. Dun-dun-dunnnnn.

OK, fine, I made those sound effects in my head. But Bo is going out of her head trying to find out what this songbird — a rare bird-like Fae whose song can evoke powerful, even deadly, memories — knows about her. Trick says she needs her rest and I need to figure out who stole my magic bean, but that last part was also in his head. Look, not everything that happened this episode was an out-loud scream.

AHHHHH! There. That was an out-loud scream. Because Lauren Lewis a.k.a. Karen Beattie a.k.a. Dr. Hotpants a.k.a. Disco Queen is doing a little dance while packing. Yes, a little dance. Yes, she’s doing it. Yes, I screamed. Fine, if you want to get all technical about it it was probably more of a squeal — a squeal of delight. Oh, please, you did, too. I mean, look at her. Look at that hip wiggle.

She’s so happy. She’s so happy to be leaving the Light. I feel so torn. On one hand, yay for Lauren. She feels free for the first time in years. On the other hand, dude, it’s the Dark. You know they are up to no good.

And, speak of the devil, in she walks. The Morrigan has beer and pizza. Oh, shit — you know that’s Lauren’s weakness. The last time she had beer and pizza it led to nakedtimes and orgasms. Forget oysters and champagne, this is the universal lesbian aphrodisiac.

Evony’s beer is from her own personal label, Dark Belch. Gotta admit, the Dark do have a sense of humor. Evony says it was from her redneck phase. Can you see her in a trucker hat and camo pants? She offers to help Lauren move, but touches her box of Star Trek DVDs and collectible action figures. Yeah, I almost screamed there as well. Also, did Lauren say “con” — like convention — or “Khan” — like Wrath of Khan? Either way, her nerd factor went from stun to kill with that. Seriously, we all died from the geekery. But what happy, happy deaths.

Evony — who insists on being called Evony and not the Morrigan because they’re totally besties now, m’kay — gives her an “Oh, honey” and hands Lauren some very old looking journals as a gift.

At the Dal, Bo is waiting for the rare songbird to sing. So to pass the time she turns to another animal. The Wolf is back. But he does not keep up with his Twitter feed because not only does he think he’s breaking news that Lauren has switched to Team Dark, he’s also in the dark about Bo’s new allegiances.

Dyson: Bummer about your ex going Dark. Wanna do it instead?

Bo: Sure, but I’m Dark, too.

Dyson: It’s forbidden, oops, there went my shirt.

Bo: Oh, p.s., I’m a top now. Just ask Lauren.

Trick walks in, mercifully, and puts an end to the Light/Dark fraternization. Ianka is awake, anyway, so Bo has better things to do than get fleas. She tells her Bo gave her the inspiration to escape after she sang for her. And that Bo promised to help her win her freedom in exchange for help with her memories.

Ianka has been kept by some rich douche bag as his own personal songbird. But without an audience, she cannot feed. All she wants is to be able to sing her famous aria again, etc. etc. In case you haven’t noticed, freedom is a big theme this season — really, every season.

Back at the Light to Dark party, Lauren is browsing through the personal and professional journals of Charles Mayo, Albert Einstein and Marie Curie. Evony sure knows what to get a gal for a housewarming gift. And there are hundreds more in the Dark Fae Archives. Also, it’s strongly implied they were all Fae, or maybe not.

Lauren and Evony get into a theological discussion of the morality and ethics of experimenting on humans. It’s pretty hot, if you’re into smart ladies talking about the scientific process. Evony wants Lauren to feel free to do what she wants. Lauren wants to know what the catch is. Evony says no catch, drink this beer. I want to be Mulder in this situation and believe, but I’m more like Scully with a furrowed brow. Though, heavens, that beer does look good.

An impromptu concert is being set up in the Dal. Kenzi is there, and lights up when Hale arrives. But he’s just there to see Ianka. So is Bo, who knows she’s the key to her memories. Poor Kenz, her love life always gets back burnered by little things like memory loss and pending apocalypses.

The curtain opens and pretty music and memories flood everyone in the audience. Bo sees herself in her magical mystery nightie again and a crown and the train. But then some guy bursts in and stops the performance, saying he’s wired her with a bomb. I don’t know, it’s a little overly complicated but bottom line — the rich douche’s clan and the wannabe bomber’s clan have been fighting over owning Ianka for generations. Yes, yes — impending explosion and death. Can we get back to the crazy frienemy situation happening at Lauren’s apartment please?

It’s so weird. I think Evony is giggling. I know Lauren is giggling. And she’s also doing her best “Doctor’s Log: Stardate” impersonation. Can we please have a DVD extra of Zoie Palmer in a Starfleet uniform doing a full doctor’s log? Hell, I’m not even that much of a Trek person (Star Wars, yo), but I know that’s nerdgasm central.

Lauren jokes about the suspiciously human Evony a.k.a. Morrigan. I’m more suspicious about what’s in the beer. But, according to the label, it’s just a suspiciously high alcohol content. Like I keep saying, the Dark know how to party.

Kenzi arrives in the doorway and voices all of our unspoken concerns. Yo, Alternate Reality Lauren, where’s the Real Lauren? She’s looking for liquid argon to nullify the explosive qualities of Ianka’s Atlantian crystal necklace and also be a voice of reason in this whole Lauren + Evony = BFFS 4EVA situation.

Kenzi gives her best incredulous face as Lauren giddily tells her about the loft in the city Evony helped her find. She tells her to not drink the Kool-Aid or put on any matching tracksuits. She also gives a quick rundown of Bo’s recent escapades: smoke, gargoyles, crystal-clear Atlantian quartz. Also, there’s the part about everyone missing Lauren. Lauren, being Lauren, gets hung up on the crystal-clear part. Someone make that girl a T-shirt that says “Pizza. Beer. Science.”

Bo and Dyson are trying to find out more about their would-be bomber. They listen in on their conversation and the two sound more like secret lovebirds than terrorist and his captive. Then the bomber realizes they’re being watched and sets off the necklace — supposedly. But instead of going boom, it goes bust because as Lauren noted clear Atlantian crystal has already lost its pizzaz. Kenzi returns and her and Bo exchange white lies about their intendeds.

So many star-crossed lovers, so little time. The wannabe bomber and songbird are in love, or so she thinks. He actually wants her to sing a death note to kill all of the rich douche’s kind. Another day, another blood feud. This being a super-sonic episode, Hale comes in to help save the day but they all end up in danger instead. Sirens and songbirds and Soul Train, oh my!

Realizing she has been deceived, Ianka sings the death note for her would-be lover/bomber instead. It sends Kenz into a fit, too. And, just for good measure, kills the songstress herself. She’s finally free. Man, this episode is like an opera.

Kenzi wakes up with Hale by her side. And finally, finally, we find a reason to love Kale.

Of course, this being Lost Girl and no one on Lost Girl being able to just be open and honest while in relationships, Hale keeps it from Kenzi thank Ianka’s death note made his ears, quite literally, bleed. So I guess per the Russian stink eye bad things will now happen to his junk. Well, other than the bad things being caused by those crazy tight pants.

Before she died, Ianka gave Bo a little mystical iPod which she now opens. The notes bring her back to her magical mystery nightie days. She sees herself in a mirror. She sees herself in a mirror with a wicked glowing handprint. OK, so her dad’s also an abuser? This Wanderer/Rainer guy is long overdue a visit from social services.

Meanwhile, the “I love you, man” portion of Lauren and Evony’s boozy night has begun. There’s talk of masks worn to protect oneself, sycophants, assassins. You know, girl talk. I’m still having a really hard time believing this whole kinder, gentler, let’s braid hair and do each other nails Morrigan act.

Evony hands Lauren an all-access key to the Dark Science and Research Facility. Lauren says she won’t sign anything. Evony says she’s not asking her, because Lauren is a brilliant woman who should “own it, girlfriend.” Lauren reaches out and takes the key, letting her hand linger on Evony’s a beat — or three — too long.

Lauren tells Evony she’ll never trust her. Evony tells Lauren she wouldn’t respect her if she did. Evony says their trust is built on Lauren having seen her eat pizza and declares the night as “fun, right?” It’s weird and flirty. Why is everything so weird and flirty all of a sudden?

AHHHHHHH! And that, that was Scream No. 2. Because Lauren gets up purposefully from the couch, strides over confidently to Evony and kisses her. Kisses her right on the mouth. Wait, Lauren kissed Evony? AHHHHHHHHH!

I’m so incredibly confused. What just happened? It’s like the writers were up late one night reading crackship fiction and were like, yeah, this will really fuck with their heads. And it is, it really, really is. Like, my brain is saying, “No. Run. EVIL.” But my lower body is saying, “Lauren is hot. Evony is hot. Shut up and watch.”

Evony pulls away, almost as surprised as we are, and says this is the beginning of a beautiful “something.” The Morrigan declares Lauren Team Dark and makes her leave. We’re left with our jaws still on the floor wondering if we all just had a mass hallucination.

But then, oh you tricky, tricky humans, Lauren strides over to her desk just as confidently. AHHHHHHHH-HA! Yes, Scream No. 3 has arrived. Lauren pulls out a mirror, petri dish and pair of tweezers. And then she slowly lifts a film off her lips and places it under glass. Vindication! We’re not all crazy. Lauren is just that crazy smart.

She smiles and toasts herself. “To … it beginning.” But what is “It? Because I don’t think she just means her time with the Dark. I think the good doctor has a much larger, much grander plan in mind. And I think we’re all going to bow in awe of its masterfulness. Or, alternately, she’s just really drunk. Nah, its probably the former.

Right, so, to no one’s surprise the next quick cut to Bo and Dyson elicits the unhappy groan of the episode. UUUUUGH. Seriously, you two, keep it out of each other’s damn pants. Dyson keeps imploring Bo to look at him, but she keeps them brown-blue eyes clamped tightly closed and clamps his mouth shut with an angry, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

OK, fine, so that was some serious wish fulfillment for all non-Dybo shippers. There’s a lot of talk of free will and labels and changing. But then Bo falls to her knees in pain because the Wanderer’s mark has returned. And she finally pieces together that he just might probably most certainly be her father.

The familial revelation is interrupted by the Una Pervy who show up out of nowhere in Bo’s bedroom. They say the codex of laws has been broken and when Bo tells them to deal with her natural born rule-breaking they say it’s not her they’re after. It’s Dyson who is the big bad wolf. Much snarling ensures. Just whip them out and measure them already, people.

p.s. Una Swinton is still hot even when all dark-eyed and growly. Just saying.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Leave it to Kenzi to make even a headache seem cool.

“Holy high-pitched hangover.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

It was really only a matter of time before I got a gif in there.

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