“Once Upon a Time” recap (3.09): No Regrets

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Henry went against everyone’s shouting and gave his shiny gold heart to Peter Pan, thinking he was saving magic but really just ruining everyone’s lives.

We begin long ago on that fateful day that the queen’s curse rolled through Fairytale Land. A shiny, jailed Rumplestiltskin taunts her. First, he tells her that Snow White and Prince Charming’s daughter can break her curse. This, she shrugs off by simply adding “kill a baby” to her to-do list. Next, he says that killing her father, who she loved most in this world, left a hole in her heart that she would someday come to Rumple to fill. She shrugs this off, too, telling him she’s done with his foolish predictions.

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In Neverland, we pick up where we left off last episode, with Henry unconscious, three parents around him, Peter Pan taunting them (like father like son). Emma tries to…poke him? With her sword? Whatever she was trying to do, it was ineffectual, so he scoops up Pandora’s Box, with Rumple still inside, and flies away.

Flash back 11 years, where Regina has called in Dr. Hopper to tell him that she feels nothing. He tells her that she’s a very successful woman, but perhaps she needs someone to share her success with. Regina takes this advice straight to Gold, asking him to help her get a baby. He says he’s flattered, but not interested. After Regina and I stop gagging, Regina explains further—she wants a baby and she wants it now, not after a two-year adoption period. He says he’ll get her a baby, but he can’t promise it will solve her problems.

Present-day Regina puts a spell on Henry that will allow him to live a while longer without his heart. Neal suggests some stupid plan and Regina calls him out on its uselessness. Emma tells her to calm down, but Regina says no, when it comes to her son, she doesn’t do calm. Emma corrects her, calling Henry, “our son,” and saying she knows how she feels.

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Regina is quick to argue. Emma has her parents, Emma has Neal (“this….person”), Emma has Hook. Regina has Henry. Full stop.

OUAT 309-3She also has all this secret longing for Emma.

They go back to camp, where the Lost Boys are hanging out, and Regina starts threatening lives. Emma has a different idea — maybe they can offer them a mother instead of a punch in the face. She tells them her story, about how she was lost and now she is found. Felix isn’t bought by Emma’s promises of a new home, but the other boys sing like little canaries and tell them exactly where to find Pan.

Flash back to Regina being handed her little baby for the first time. She absolutely beams at him, names him Henry, and tells him they’re going home.

Before going home, Regina stops in at Granny’s diner, where she is trying desperately to get Henry to stop screaming. She snaps at Granny, who looks at her as if to say, “They don’t call me Granny because I hate children.” She suggests telling baby Henry a story, since that’s what worked with Ruby. At least, before she hit puberty. (Why do they keep teasing us with mentions of Ruby?!)

Regina starts to tell a story, but is barely through ‘Once upon a time….’ when she gets a shoulder full of baby goo. She decides to seek professional help. The doctor doesn’t give her the answer she’s looking for, however, when he just prescribes heaps of love. Regina is insistent that there must be something else wrong, but Dr. Whale says that without the biological parents’ information, there is no ethical way to test the baby for everything that could be wrong. Now with a plan, Regina dumps baby Henry into Mary Margaret’s arms and calls Sydney to demand he open he closed adoption to find out Henry’s parents’ information. When she goes to get baby Henry back from Mary Margaret, she is alarmed to realize he stopped crying in her arms, yet wailed again as soon as Regina took him back.

OUAT 309-4Who would cry at that perfect face?!

In present-day Neverland, Neal rounds up the Lost Boys, including Henry’s lifeless body, and asks everyone to help him get them back to the Jolly Roger. Mary Margaret decides to mom-up and tags along on Emma and Regina’s “save our son” date.

Flash back to Regina receiving a fax from Sydney telling her who baby Henry’s birth parents are. The records state that his birth mother, Emma, was found eighteen years ago just outside Storybrooke. FURIOUS, she storms to Gold’s shop, where she demands to know exactly what role this Emma character plays in her life, since she highly doubts it’s a coincidence that she appeared right when Regina’s curse was put into motion. Gold plays dumb. Not well, but stubbornly. Regina doesn’t take his act seriously, and tells him that she’s on to him, that she knows he wants this curse to end and that’s why she lead her to Henry, why he’s drawing Emma back to Storybrooke. Regina won’t be beaten that easily. She decided then and there to ship Henry back to Boston, post-haste.

In present-day Neverland, Regina, Emma, and Mary Margaret find Pandora’s box about two minutes into their quest for it. Mary Margaret thinks this is just swell and goes skipping off to pick it up, but Regina is like, “Idiot #1, please step away from the very obvious trap.” It’s too late, though, because Pan steps forward and the tree they were standing in front of shoots out fines and wraps them up tight.

OUAT 309-5SwanQueen, I’mma let you finish, but being tied up together is still Myka and H.G.’s thing.

Peter Pan isn’t at all surprised that these three women haven’t given up yet. He knows mothers are a vivacious breed.

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