“Two and a Half Men” recap (11.7): Lesbian Zombie

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Friday is here and my cup runneth over with merlot and breathless anticipation for this week’s installment of Two And A Half Men. I’m joined this morning by Angel, my tattooed power-lesbian roommate, who is gnawing on a freshly delivered breakfast burrito—Angel is the first customer for any takeout joint—while bemoaning incompetent web developers. So it begins.

Walden, Jenny, and Alan sip drinks at a local Malibu bar, admiring the bartender.

Walden: She’s cute.

Jenny: She’s sucks in bed. And not in a good way.

Walden: I didn’t know she was gay.

Jenny: Neither did she till last Thursday.

Walden: You’re like some kind of lesbian zombie, infecting the women of Malibu.

The gang does lesbian zombie impressions.

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Alan asks Jenny when she knew she was gay because that’s a tale we all tell to every straight friend eventually. Hearing about coming out makes straight people feel edgy and evolved while simultaneously providing salacious stories/jack off material. It’s a win-win for everybody except for gay people, who are sick of telling the same damn story. Jenny tells a masturbatory sleepover high school cheerleader hook up story while Walden and Alan sit enthralled. At the end, she’s like “I can’t believe you idiots believe this,” then continues, “It’s not complicated. The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse you know.”

Walden and Alan respond, “Then I’m a lesbian!” because men are not funny. I hate it when straight men are like “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.” It makes me want to bludgeon them, then ask, “Really tho?” Alan and Walden bicker over a potential conquest (or “person” as the feminazis insist on calling them) before competing for her attention. Jenny swoops in and leaves with the conquest/person, but not before tossing in a fleeting lesbian zombie impression. I quite like it.

Walden: Do you think all women are potential lesbians?

Alan: [joke about lesbian porn]

My girlllll got a girllllfriend chevy blue like whirlwind! A blonde and a red head sit next to the sad duo and flirting begins. Boob jokes.

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Alan pairs off with the dumb one, and Walden makes sympathetic “We’re smart” eye contact with the blonder one. The women are Disney princesses and it’s a match made in CBS heaven.

In Walden’s kitchen the next morning, Alan giddily recaps their oddly successful night for ever-stoic Berta. They’ve made plans to go out with the Princesses again tonight. Jenny walks in with “Maria” in tow.

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Jenny insincerely promises to call Maria and Maria leaves.

Alan: That’s not the girl you picked up from the bar last night.

Jenny: No, that’s the girl who delivered the pizza to me and the girl I picked up at the bar last night.

Sometimes I’m super jealous of Jenny even though she lives with Ashton Kutcher.

Walden: I hope you gave her a good tip.

Jenny: Nah, she didn’t come in 30 minutes or less.

Speechless. Jenny is cold and wonderful. Also we’ve all gotten bored.

That evening, Alan’s married fuck-buddy Lindsay surprises Alan with a booty call. She realizes Alan is about to go on a date and shit get awkward. Lindsay is like, “It’s cool” and leaves. The Princesses arrive!

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Dumb girl makes dumb comments to much comedic effect. I particularly enjoyed the astrology/Virgo/virgin stream of jokes. It’s like Mark Twain up in here. Walden, hitting it off with clever Princess over astrology, takes her to his room to look at his big ol’ telescope. Alan shows dumb Princess his fold out bed, and she’s impressed because she’s stupid. Get it? Drank. Tricking dumb girl into fucking you humor is dated and weak. Lindsay calls Alan wasted, clearly upset about the whole date thing. Lindsay tells Alan she’s not OK with him dating other people, and Alan tells Lindsay he’s going into a tunnel. Dumb princess prances out in purple lingerie and starts putting the moves on Alan for some inexplicably reason.

Alan storms into Walden’s room, disturbing Walden’s blossoming hook up. Alan tells Walden about Lindsay’s call.

Walden: Do what every little boy in America wants to do—bang the little mermaid.

Lindsay shows up wasted and attacks The Little Mermaid. Alan tries to keep the peace, Walden storms down, shenanigans shenanigans and whatnot.

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Lindsay pukes, smart blonde tries to leave, and Jenny the lesbian zombie arrives home in a tottering stupor. Jenny looks at undressed Ariel. Undressed Ariel gazes blankly a Jenny. Tossing her arms forward, Jenny goes full on lesbian zombie, croaking “must have vagina” while lurching towards Ariel.

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Morning comes and camo-clad Jenny joins Alan in the kitchen. Jenny is happy to learn that she was not the one who puked in the living room. Walden enters in a tizzy, bitching at Alan about ruining the night. Walden really liked his conquest/person. Alan goes to visit hungover Lindsay. She apologizes for getting crazy jealous and wasted as if that’s something to be sorry about. That’s just life yo. Collateral damage.

Anyways, Alan tells Lindsay he can’t be the other man anymore, and Lindsay makes a surprise choice by choosing Alan. She then vomits in the flowerbeds. Infidelity and bodily fluids—sounds like a typical morning in Malibu.

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