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“Glee” recap 5.04: The Lavender Limelight

Previously on Glee, Kitty got a soul transplant, fell in love with Artie, and became the voice of the people. Bree rolled onto the scene tossing out bitchy one-liners like the echo of the reflection of the specter of Santana Lopez. Ryder and Jake and Marley were all still on the show, I think. Sam fell for the new school nurse, which made him act all weird and panicked because he forgot he looks like Chord Overstreet. Kurt and Blaine got engaged. Santana continued to refuse to cut her terrifying wolverine fingernails (and also started dating Demi Lovato). And Rachel landed the role of Fanny Brice in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl. Time is standing still in Lima, OH, apparently, because Will bursts into the choir room announcing that Nationals are six weeks away which means it’s still springtime which it also was like 20 episodes ago. The only thing standing between New Directions and another Nationals trophy is the fact that they only have a month and a half to prepare for the biggest show choir competition in the country and they have no idea what they’re singing or how they’re dancing or what they’re wearing. Just kidding. A new group called Throat Explosion is what’s in their way. These guys, these Throat Explosions, they rehearse 27 hours a day and the mere mention of their name sends Tina careening into a yelping emotional doom spiral because how can a bunch of Katy Perrys like the New Directions take on a group of Lady Gagas like the Throat Explosions?

Mr. Schue, of course, had no lesson planned for this week, so he uses Tina’s meltdown as a springboard for some learnin’. Wholesome Amish folk singer Katy Perry and edgy pop diva Lady Gaga are two whole different kinds of performers and if New Directions really want a shot at winning Nationals this year, they are going to have to embrace the dissonance. Will assigns the Gagas (Unique, Kitty, Tina, Jake) the task of performing a Katy song, and the Katys (Blaine, Ryder, Artie, Marley) the task of performing a Gaga song. It’s all fine and good in the choir room, where those exact opposite creatures, those Katys and those Gagas, can learn to hold hands and bake brownies with rainbows inside, but what about the real world? What happens when Katys and Gagas fall in love with each other? What then? Well, I’ll tell you.

Katy-Artie and Gaga-Kitty smooch and canoodle and giggle about their differences, mostly because this forced dichotomy is about the silliest thing either of them have ever heard of, and bless their hearts, they’re a Slytherin power couple if I’ve ever seen one. Katy-Marly and Gaga-Jake do not giggle about their differences because he’s got boners that need taking care of and all she wants to do is eat pizza and sing her way through Julie Andrews‘ full cinematic canon. (Too bad that bisexual slut Brittany S. Pierce isn’t here to have sexual intercourse with Ryder like she was always doing with all the boys when she was dating Santana.) And then there’s Katy-Sam and Gaga-Nurse-Penny who seem to think they’re as different as Skrillex and show tunes, but in actual fact they both just want Sam to take off his shirt. Blaine realizes this and says to Sam: “Just show her how hardcore you are by inviting her to your Gaga performance. And also take off your shirt.”

Another person who is naked is Bree. Or, well, she’s wearing caution tape like Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” video, which is basically like being naked. She marches into Sue’s office, much to Becky’s (hi, Becky!) incandescent dismay, and starts mouthing off about whatever latest Gargamel plot to Smurf the Smurf out of New Directions. Do you think every single time Bree opens her mouth, Naya Rivera‘s agent calls up Ryan Murphy and demands a raise? Sue is wearing a Gaga-esque face cage, but only as a deterrent to eating solid foods for some medical procedure or something. It doesn’t matter. What matters is Sue starts glowing with that righteous rage and demands to know why dudes like Will Schuester are always forcing women to choose between female archetypes. Sue Sylvester wants to be them all! (And she is!) The other thing that matters, as always, is Becky’s amazing face. She’s even more bamboozled than we are by Bree’s continued appearance on this show.

In an attempt to woo Nurse Penny with his edginess, Sam takes over the Gagas and explains in a manic monologue that the future is now and the future is strobe lights and catwalks and bombastic costumes. The future also is Becky, on account of she is going to be president one day, you mark my words, and so Sam convinces her to help him spread the word about the New Directions Gaga Spooktacular taking place in the auditorium at lunch. She agrees, but only so Sam will stop talking to her.

The Katys are struggling with their assignment. Unique was unable to steal giant cats from the zoo because Lima doesn’t have a zoo, so they dress up Jake like a gay Thundercat and it’s definitely the most interesting contribution he has ever made to the group. Tina has a mind to perform S&M hijinks on their audience. Kitty wants to, like, give birth on stage? I don’t know. Jake doesn’t stick around too long. See, Bree needed some help with some choreography for something and Marley volunteered Jake to go rub his boners all over her for a change. Unique thinks that’s a real bad idea, so she intervenes and tells Marley to Gaga-up w/r/t Jake’s boners if she wants to keep him.

The Gagas perform “Applause” to a mostly empty auditorium. The Katys are there and also Schue and Stoner Bret and Nurse Penny and Becky (in costume!). And probably that’s for the best because the whole thing is a little seizure-inducing. It’s kind of like if L. Frank Baum and Tim Burton‘s fever dreams had a gay baby that was born into the world tripping balls. Artie is dressed like a mime that would warm up the crowd at a Faustian puppet show. Sam is dressed like one of the angels in God’s own personal choir trying to blend in as a Muggle at Eurovision. Blaine is dressed like if Miss Piggy got drunk on her way to the Golden Globes. Marley is wearing a pink wig and, I think, a dress you could wear to work as a candy striper or as a soda shop girl. Ryder is in a cage. The strobe lights and the camera are aggressively like, “Fuck your eyeballs! You don’t need eyeballs! Gaga is post-eyeballs!” It’s a lot.

After the performance, the real drama starts. Will Schuester, grown-ass teacher-man, marches onto the stage and demands to know why a teenage girl who very nearly died of an eating disorder ten minutes ago refused to perform in a coconut bra. Marley says she wasn’t comfortable, says it made her feel objectified, and so Will Schuester, this motherfucker over here, he goes, “So you were putting your needs in front of the needs of the team?! That’s a one week suspension, asshole!”

The Katys perform a stripped-down acoustic version of “Wide Awake.” Unique sounds friggin’ amazing. Why can’t Unique get a real storyline and a love interest? Why is Will so terrible and gross? Why am I still talking about Lima when all the best stuff is happening in New York? Life’s great mysteries.

The end result of the Katy/Gaga personality swap is that it brings Sam and Nurse Penny together in a weirdly hilarious first kiss. And it tears Jake and Marley apart. See, because she’s feeling really bummed about getting suspended for not wanting to be naked in front of the whole school and so Jake decides to make her feel better by giving her shit for not wanting to get naked in front of him. All she ever thinks about is her own boundaries! Never about his boners! So he marches right out of there and goes to school and asks Bree to give him a blowie on the football field and she literally says, “I like private parts” and grabs her jacket so she won’t get grass stains on her uniform.

It turns out all the shenanigans were for naught, however, because Throat Explosion announces via Twitter that they’ll be doing “Applause” at Nationals. To make matters worse, Sue bounces into the choir room to announce a one-week suspension for everyone in New Directions because they all violated the dress code with their Gaga getups. All of them except for Marley, whom Will suspended for not wearing a Gaga getup. Hashtag irony.

Kurt shows up a little late to his shift at the Starlight Diner because he’s been putting ads in The Village Voice about the new band he’s starting. Turns out Adam kicked him out of Adam’s Apples because Adam was 45 years old and had to graduate from NYADA and make grown-up friends some time because he heard a cautionary tale about a man called Will Schuester and it scared the shit out of him. Also, he was a little pissed that Kurt got engaged. Dani and Santana agree to be in Kurt’s band, thereby officially making it the greatest trio of all time, but Rachel can’t commit right now because she’s got school and work and Funny Girl and also the love of her life just died, so. Of particular note: Dani calls Santana “babe” and basically that plus performing one line of one song is the only thing Demi Lovato gets to do in the second of her six super special guest appearances, proving once again that nobody knows how to waste talent like Glee.

Dani and Kurt and Santana rent out that one studio at NYADA for band auditions and since only one person signed up to try out, they have plenty of time to argue about their band name. Apocalipsticks is Santana’s idea, but Kurt kind of hates it. Also he hates the name “Starchild,” which is what Adam Lambert is calling himself these days. He shows up wearing something Kurt calls “Project Runway, [derisive whisper] season six,” but can probably better be described as “Gay Gothic penguin meets actual sex.”

He performs “Marry the Night” in the most Adam Lambert-y way possible. By which I mean it is bigger and better and fuller and more commanding and awesome than New Directions’ whole “Applause” deal. They had more voices and more antics but Adam Lambert is Adam Lambert and so there’s no competition there, really. Santana is mad impressed and Dani is sexy as hell with that electric guitar, but Kurt – Kurt Hummel, OK, who has been known to wear a canary feather duster as an accessory and a variety of wool straight-jacket/dickey-ponchos and sweaters made out of actual reindeer – says Starchild needs to tone his shit down.

Back at the Hummelpezberry Bushwick loft, Rachel gently confronts Kurt about his Starchild animosity. He confesses that he’s tired of playing the best gay sidekick to everyone else’s superstar. Rachel already landed a Broadway role, Santana’s got that Yeast-I-Stat commercial, and plus he’s going to have a family to support soon enough and so what’s wrong with wanting a little mainstream success? Rachel smiles at him in that indulgent way that’s only not patronizing when it comes from her and goes, “You will never be happy trying to fit in because, sweetheart, you were born to stand out.” She tells him not to be threatened by Starchild’s whole gigantic deal and how different he is, but to embrace him as the brother he is. Kurt knows she’s right. What makes us weird is always what makes us awesome.

Sadly, Kurt didn’t get Starchild’s contact info – but Starchild is a resourceful fellow; he tracks down Kurt at the Starlight Diner, seats himself in Kurt’s section, and as Kurt is monotoneo-ing the daily specials, Starchild whips off his glasses like some kind of Clark Kent and reveals his true identity! He is Starchild! But actually, he is Elliot from New Jersey. He goes to NYU because he didn’t make the cut at NYADA (which: Ha!) and he would really very much like to be in a band with the coolest people he’s ever heard of. Kurt and Elliot, they’ve got chemistry, y’all, and Santana knows it. She hollers at Kurt to stop flirting because he’s engaged and Kurt laughs because not even Starchild’s whole Starchild deal could distract him from his own Starkid back home. Kurt invites Elliot to be in the band, and probably this is the moment when Fox realized they should be listening to what we’ve been saying for over a year: Glee needs to make the full-time move to New York. Why in the world would we want to see Santana-lite doing sexes with Puck-lite when we could be watching Naya Rivera and Chris Colfer and Lea Michele and Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato perform together?

And perform is what they do. It starts at McKinley and lands in Bushwick with “Roar.” There’s Darren Criss in a loin cloth for The Backlot crew and Naya Rivera swinging on a rope for the AfterEllen crew and Artie hanging on for dear life from a vine in the jungle because Glee‘s writers are still very confused about how wheelchairs work. Sad Marley watches sadly from the shadows because she’s a sad virgin who can’t drive.

Next week: Glee shuts down the entire twerking movement by showcasing Will twerking up and down the halls of his high school in khaki pants and a sweater vest.

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