Kimmie is so tired, even her boobs are exhausted. The culprit? Why Kendall of course. But not because she’s dating Richard—it’s just that she’s a workaholic and driving Kimmie to work her butt off. Although, as Kimmie notices, it’s still the same size.
But no worries: The girls have tickets to go to the Murna Warrior Princess convention this weekend! Who is Murna, you ask? “only the greatest warrior princess show from 1997-2004.” Think Xena with a minor twist to avoid legalities.
Just as Kimmie tells her diary she can’t stop smiling, Kendall calls and asks her to work instead of going to the convention.
“You just say the word, Kimster, and I will Tanya Harding those luscious legs,” Marika offers when she finds out Kendall is making Kim come into work. Helen-Alice offers advice from her assertiveness training class. They encourage Kimmie to go into the office and tell Kendall she needs a break, and she plans on meeting her friends at the convention. As soon as she leaves, they agree that she won’t actually do it.
Kimmie attempts faking chicken pox and writing passive aggressive emails before she finds the rest of her co-workers making fun of Kendall’s hard-ass qualities too. Kendall comes in and tell them that if they spent more time working and less making fun of her, maybe they wouldn’t be there on weekends.
Marika and Helen-Alice, decked out in costumes, are at the convention with their neighbors, Benji et al. dressed as a three-headed dragon. They’re deciding what to do first—eat or meet Murna.
Kendall is trying not to cry in the office bathroom. (“You have not cried since 10th grade when Bethany got Leukemia and got a bigger page in the yearbook.”) Her dad calls in the middle of her sob-sesh, and she confides in him that people in the office are passing mean things around about her. He tells her Quinns don’t cry, “unless its used to manipulate a co-worker or spouse.” After hanging-up she realizes that Kimmie was in the stall, eating cake in what she calls a “judgment-free zone.” She asks if Kendall is OK, to which Kendall screams “Yes!” and storms out.
Marika is in line to meet Murna, dressed as Murna. When another fan approaches her and offers her a tail, Merna tells him no, but he is insistent.
Kimmie enters Kendall’s office to make sure she’s alright. “Go away, I can smell your gluten breath from here,” Kendall yells. Kimmie tells her people make fun of her all the time, the way she walks, power walks and hits herself in the face with straws. Kendall tells her she doesn’t want her pity, because she knows people just don’t like her because she’s talented and beautiful. “And modest,” Kimmie offers.
“I don’t have any friends and I’m fine with that,” Kendall admits. Kimmie tries to convince her otherwise, listing alleged friends. “Alex?” Kimmie questions. “No, he smells like strippers,” Kendall says. “Who else?”
Before Kimmie offers to be her friend. Kendall asks her to get a drink to which Kimmie agrees, and then lets her in on the secret she uses to get free drinks from the vending machine. Kendall corrects her and says they should go out for drinks, that very minute. Kimmie tells her if she’s going to let her off early that she’d rather go to the convention with her friends. Kendall gets hurt, and Kimmie tells her she doesn’t have to go to the convention “where all her dreams would come true,” and that she’d rather get a drink with her.
Marika finally makes it to the front of the line to meet an apathetic Brooke Shields—I mean Murna. All she can squeak out is, “I Marika.” Murna is not impressed.
“HEY, this Manhattan tastes like Queens,” Kendall shouts at the bartender. “Make it again—for free!” She then turns to Kimmie, nearly slurring, and tells her that she wasn’t always a hard-ass, and that she wasn’t always mean, that one time she was nice. Flash back to when she was a hippie in college and washed her fiance’s jeans and picked the cashews out of his granola like he asked. He responds by telling her he wants a polyamorous relationship with her and his seemingly stoned roommate. When she disagrees, they leave her for each other. And that, she says, is how she learned that being nice doesn’t get you anything. Plus she discovered that the effort put into being mean burns more calories.
Kimmie receives a text from Helen-Alice telling her that the convention is at maximum capacity and they’ve closed the entrance. Kimmie decides to actually have a shot, or six. Kendall, excited, orders her “a flaming diabetic.”
Marika, reunited with her friends, is regretting that she wasn’t able to tell Murna how she truly feels (I mean, there goes another coming out moment) and that Murna inspired her to start that girls football team. Helen-Alice reassures her that she was just nervous as Marika leaves the group.
Kendall and Kimmie are now drunk. Kimmie tells Kendall she wasn’t the only one with guy troubles in college. Flashback to Kimmie’s dorm, when she comes running in to ask her ex-boyfriend if he likes her newly dyed hair, telling him she dyed to to be less boring, citing it as the reason they broke up. He says the hair is great, but doesn’t change anything because she is still fat.
Kendall calls him a douchebag and says that is why she hates people. She then asks Kimmie if she knows where Michael the ex lives, to which Kimmie replies that she doesn’t, and that she’s been cyber stalking him to prove that she is over him. Kendall says she has an idea and they leave the bar.
Marika is wandering around behind the scenes at the convention and happens on Murna. “I’m the secretary of your Lower East Side of Manhattan not including Chinatown Fan Club,” she says, and hands her a card. Murna sarcastically gets excited and then rolls her eyes. She goes off, saying that she wants to be remembered as the actress Alison Lockridge, and that people like Marika, the fans, won’t let her forget this one part that she didn’t even want. She tells Marika to do herself a favor and get a life.
Marika goes home and rips her Murna memorabilia from the walls. When Helen-Alice asks why, she says because it’s a waste of time, and that life and Murna are just lies.
Kimmie and Kendall are at Michael’s apartment, holding each other up. Kendall asks for Kimmie’s shirt and tells her to hide. Kimmie obliges. Kendall puts it on and knocks on his door. When he answers the door, she introduces herself as Kimmie Boubier, from college. Impressed, he invites Kimmie-Kendall in because his fiancé is out of town. Kimmie, appalled, comes out of hiding. They then explain that they were trying to trick him into thinking that Kimmie was now thin. “Which, granted, isn’t a win for Kimmie, because she’s still fat but we’re drunk,” slurs Kendall. Kendall tells him that she missed out because she’s a great lady and a lawyer, and that she is glad she’s her friend.
The next day, Kendall wakes up with a start, when she sees that she is little spoon to Kimmie. Kimmie eventually wakes up alone in Kendall’s apartment to a worried call from Helen-Alice, thinking she’s been kidnapped. She explains that she got drinks with Kendall, that they body-swapped and that it was awesome. She tells her that she’s glad she didn’t give her the passive aggressive email that she wrote and offers to read it to her over the phone before she realizes it’s missing and she hangs up on Helen, just as Helen says she needs help with Marika.
Helen and the guys decide to take matters into their own hands and go back to the convention to confront Murna. Helen explains that she assesses risk for a living and tells her that the likelihood of a C-list celebrity will financially survive after alienating her biggest fan is zero.
Kimmie is desperately searching for the printed out email when she happens on Kendall back at work. Kendall had found the email. She says it’s going in the trash and their budding night of friendship never happened. She hands her a case file before inviting her to brunch on Sunday. While she is “slight singed,” she says that no one has ever taken the time to write her such a personal letter. Kimmie goes in for a hug and is shot down.
Helen brings Marika to a football field with Murna in full costume. Murna apologizes and then asks if she really has to be there because she has dinner reservations. Marika says no, that she’s gotten over her Murna obsession and has actually gotten a life.
She calls her by her real name, but before parting, asks her to do one last thing for her. “Go long,” she asks. Alison runs and catches the football for a touchdown.