I’m sorry to announce that the second episode of the fifth season of The Good Wife was yet another Chumhum one. Sigh. Look, I know Chumhum is Lockhart Gardner’s biggest client, so it totally makes sense that they spend so much time on them, but anytime there’s a Chumhum case o’ the week and I have to spend more minutes of my life looking at Neil Gross’s irritating face, I find my eyes—and brain—glazing over. Even though I know that almost every Chumhum storyline is topical and relevant, as is this one, which involves Chumhum suing the NSA over the privacy of their users and their records.
We also see the NSA listening in on all of Alicia and Diane’s calls for a whole host of bizarre reasons, and I could have expected this storyline after Edward Snowden, but, eh. Add on top of this the fact that we barely saw Kalinda (with a complete absence of Robyn), and there were some bummers to this episode, but there were also some pluses, mainly in the form of Stockard Channing and Alicia getting drunk on margaritas and nachos.
The Chumhum storyline also throws another tear into the fibers of the fraying rope of dreams for Florrick, Agos, and Associates, as Alicia gets a call from Will telling her that Neil Gross has requested a partner to sit on his meeting with Cary, since he doesn’t necessarily trust Cary to do a top notch job. Alicia gets this call as Cary and the other fourth years are throwing around burners in their new clean and pretty office space like they’re on the streets of Baltimore, which they’ll be using to communicate their Super Secret Rebellion info since Alicia tipped them off to Lockhart Gardner monitoring their calls on their Given to Us By the People Who Still Actually Employ Us phones. This would be a fine idea, except for when Alicia fumbles between her Super Secret and Official Business phones right in front of David Lee, who she knows is hunting out the dissenting fourth years like McCarthy and the reds. Why are you guys so bad at being stealthy?
But anyway, if Chumhum isn’t actually jumping ship with them as Cary vehemently promises, Florrick & Agos is certifiably screwed. Add on top of this that, shockingly, something happened with the bank, and they now need $140,000 pronto to actually secure that shiny new office space. Alicia, however, happens to whisper, “I don’t have $140,000, Cary!” on her Super Secret Phone while Mama Channing is in her office, and since Mama Channing is swimming in money, she decides to quietly “invest” $140,000 in the new office space herself, which Alicia gives into relatively easily. The dream of a new firm lives for another day.
Another plus of the episode is how damn good Diane looks in a white suit. But what I am talking about, Diane always looks good!
There is yet another snafu in the hopes and dreams of powerful women here, as the chief Supreme Court douche tells Governor Elect Florrick and Head of Staff Eli that while he apparently thinks Diane is 100% the best—because duh—he has “concerns” about her willingness to stick by everyone’s favorite lawyer to hate, Will Gardner. Eli and Big are like, “But…you like her, right? And she’s the one who’s going to be on the Supreme Court, not Will, yes? So what is the dealio?” Eli even has the grace to call him a sexist old fool, and then the sexist old fool in return calls Eli a “rude backroom huckster.” I don’t really know what a huckster is completely, but ooh, BURN.
Insult time behind them, Supreme Court dude continues to state that he has CONCERNS re: the Will issue. “Don’t get it twisted! I’m not sexist. I like her; I’m just searching for backward ways in which to demean her. By the way, you do not have the gold gavel I gave you on display in your office, Big, which is sort of rude, also something something pretentious in Latin about justice.” And Eli is like FINE, and then tells Diane that she essentially has to trash Will publicly somehow in order to become a judge and Diane is like, “Gee golly, Eli Gold, that sounds swell, also go screw yourself.”
Eli then goes to search for the gold gavel, sort of like the Golden Ticket but 150% more boring, in the gift room, which is apparently something that exists. A gift room! Just to hold all of Governor Elect Florrick’s gifts! I have not held major desires to be a governor before, but now I might be having thoughts.
Like, it is literally just called the gift room! With a name plate and everything!