Archive

“Two and a Half Men” recap (11.1): The Sun is Calling You An Alcoholic

Two And A Half Men is getting sapphic this season with a lesbian character and Ashton Kutcher‘s dyke hair. Soon to be a thing on Tumblr: Lesbians who look like Ashton Kutcher. Amber Tamblyn plays Jenny, Charlie Harper’s debaucherous long-lost daughter who brings the party, then leaves with the hottie. Jenny’s character debuted on last night’s 11th season premiere.

The episode opens with Alan (John Cryer) interviewing an earnest young candidate for an assistant position. Walden (Kutcher) walks into the living room, playing with his smartphone and talking about poop. Oy. This: “Why are you interviewing him to be my assistant when I just hired you to be my assistant?” “Oh no, I’m interviewing him to be my assistant!” [pause for laughter] Alan explains that Henry will be an unpaid intern. Jokes. A doorbell rings-but who could it be?

It’s Amber Tamblyn in a studded bustier and a black leather jacket! Best doorbell ever! She tells Alan she’s Charlie’s daughter and therefore his long lost niece. Jenny’s got a thick- Jersey? Boston? AMERICAN?-accent. Jenny sounds like Southern Europeans think we sound.

Home girl is like, “Yo, I got a wicked hangover do you have aspirin, tylenol, beer, scotch, whiskey,” etc. which I have to say sounds so good right now. Omg, OK, I’m going to secret pour a beer into a mug so my roomie doesn’t judge. Mmmm. Henry, the stereotypical Asian type A assistant, is hired and nips off to fetch Jenny a vodka and a Sprite.

Jenny: I hate the sun. It’s like God calling you an alcoholic.
Preach girl. She explains that Charlie and her mother got drunk and had sex in a bar bathroom one time, thus spawning the Jenny that stands upon my screen. To prove it, she offers to show Alan a pic of Charlie and her together.
Jenny: (scrolling through phone) HA! That’s my vagina! Wait-that’s not my vagina. THAT’S my vagina.”
I’ve made a very similar mistake only with pictures of boobs. Just kidding! But not really. I’m actually impressed by her lush (as in about her being a lush) one-liners. I may even use some of them. Jenny is from New York, and is an ex-pill popping med student turned gin-guzzling aspiring actress. Jenny chugs vodka and vomits.

Later in the day, the trio nibble brie the kitchen while listening to the rest of Jenny’s haphazard life story. Walden shows Jenny Charlie’s old room, they make semen jokes. They step onto the balcony and gaze upon the Pacific. Jenny wonders what her Father would ponder out there, like “how to nail those two hot surfer chicks.”

CBS, show the two hot surfer chicks so I can wonder too. Unlike Jenny’s character, I would never do anything about it, but let me at least wonder. Walden tells Jenny that even though he’s rich and finely coiffed, he’s had tough luck with the ladiez.

Downstairs, Alan is on the phone with his mother. He’s gleefully telling her that she is a grandmother. When Jenny and Walden come down, Alan offers to show Jenny her (dead) Dad. Alan keeps Charlie’s urn in the liquor cabinet as an homage to her father’s life and loves. While attempting to deliver a poetic eulogy, Alan trips and spills Charlie’s ashes all over Charles’s daughter. Jenny takes shots with the housekeeper. Evelyn arrives to meet her new granddaughter and immediately offers Jenny a makeover and a place to stay.

Alan insists Jenny stay with him, in Walden’s house (where he is leaching) out of spite for his domineering mother. Jenny runs off. Walden, Alan, and Grandma Evelyn drive around searching for Jenny until they find her at a bus stop.

Jenny explains that she already has one fucked up family; she can’t handle another one. Alan and his mother feign normal affection and beg Jenny to stay and get to know them. She agrees on the condition of a cocktail and the whole happy family go to a bar.

Jenny: (pointing to a door) So, is that the bathroom where the miracle of my life began?

Alan: It is.

While Walden shows Jenny her place of conception, Alan is appalled to hear his mother intends to leave Jenny her vast financial estate. An estate that the penny pinching Alan is dying to get his hands on. Jenny and Walden sit down and a hot brunette with mad cleavage asks to take their order.

Jenny, looking devious, asks for a designated driver to take them home. Beautiful waitress with waves of ebony hair offers which, FYI, does not happen in real life at bars.

Back home sexy waitress ooohs and ahhs over Walden’s Malibu beach house. Now that I’ve gotten a good look at her outfit, I know 100% that there are too many straight men working on this show. That denim cut off skirt was cute for teenager girls in 2006 on Laguna Beach: The Real OC. That doesn’t mean it’s cute in Malibu or anywhere else now, especially for a cute waitress around LA. And WTF is that tie dye spaghetti strap tank with pink lace detail? Limited Too must be pissed at CBS for aging their look.

Cute Waitress: What a view! Jenny: It’s even better from the bedroom-want to see? Cute Waitress: Yeah!
She trots up the stairs but when Walden turns to follow, Jenny stops him.
Jenny: What are you doing? Walden: Showing her the view? Jenny: (condescendingly) Awwww, you thought she was for you? HA. No, no, no. She’s mine. [winks] Next time I’ll get two.
…and skips up the stairs toward her potential conquest. Beautiful.

The next morning in the kitchen, Walden bitches to Alan about having to sleep in the guest room to accommodate Jenny’s Hook up. He wants her out.

Jenny comes into the kitchen with Cutie, who is wearing only black lingerie. “I’m surprised I can talk,” Jenny observes while massaging her jawbone and grabbing water bottles. Walden plaintively watches his newfound foe leave with the object of his desire and that odious theme song indicates that while the episode may be over, the shenanigans have only begun.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button