Previously on Mistresses, Savi didn’t know who her baby daddy was, Karen was vying to break the world record for Most Terrible Decisions Made By One Character In A Single Season, April made out with a zombie, and Joss realized she wasn’t a lesbian after all.
We open on Karen, trying desperately to wash away her sins, while Ellie Gouldling‘s “Anything Can Happen” plays ominously in the background.
Meanwhile, at Casa Davis, Joss is in the guest house frantically searching for the missing paternity test results, leaving angry voicemails for Harry, the only other person who has been in her room lately. In the main house, Savi opens her front door to find mysterious flowers—the card doesn’t have a florist or a signature, just a simple “Happy Birthday” message.
At April’s shop, the Bad Decision Brunch Club have made their best collective decision and, in a nice homage to the beginning of the season, are all wearing party hats.
Savi asks her friends if they sent her flowers, but they admit that they didn’t—what they DID get her was an all-expense paid trip to Palm Springs. Clearly Savi is spoiled rotten, because she barely cracks a smile at this. I would have been jumping up and down and screaming and hugging my friends. (Friends? My birthday is in January, take notes.)
They get to the confessions portion of BDBC and Savi says she kissed Dom but felt herself pulling back. April sees her boyfriend kiss and raises her a zombie kiss. Then, all of a sudden, Savi, Joss and Karen decide they have morals and shout at April all at once about how it would be a terrible idea to forgive Zombie Paul. While they are all very correct, April is also correct when she turns on them and basically shouts, “HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME! THEY DON’T CALL US THE BAD DECISION BRUNCH CLUB FOR NOTHING.”
Karen decides now is the time to seek counsel with her therapist, 27 bad decisions too late. This woman tells Karen that her dead ex-lover’s wife used to be institutionalized, proving she went to Karen’s school of fake psychology where all you have to do to earn your diploma is make out with someone totally inappropriate.
Over at Booze Mountain, Sam mouths off to his sloppy mother and Elizabeth slaps him across the face. He confesses that he slept with Karen and Elizabeth’s eyes go from drunk crazy to angry drunk crazy.
Harry calls Savi about some bills it becomes clear that he’s not the one who sent her the mystery flowers. Upset by this new discovery, Savi calls Joss and says she’s ready to leave for Palm Springs immediately, instead of the next day as they planned, so they hop in their sweet ride and go.
When they get to the resort, Savi is still stressing about the flowers, but Joss tells her to stop obsessing. As soon as Savi is out of earshot, Joss leaves another hasty message for Harry, telling him that she’s out of town for the weekend and the results better be back when she returns.
The Carver sisters are hanging out poolside when Savi sees a father helping a little boy get the courage to jump in the pool. She gets adorably excited when he finally does and suddenly something clicks in her. She wants to go home immediately and find out who the father of her baby is. She realized she doesn’t want a husband, she wants a baby daddy. Joss manages to convince her that the results will still be the same in the morning, and that she should sleep on it.
April goes to talk to Hot Dad and sees his living room all packed up as if he was moving. She starts to panic and runs around in circles, but before she can pace her store three times, Hot Dad appears. He says he was just repainting the room and that he’ll never leave her like Zombie Paul did.
When Joss wakes up the next morning, she finds the other side of the bed empty. It’s just her and the magical sunbeams that follow her around. She sees a note from Savi saying that she’s already headed home. What she didn’t mention in the note is how amazing she would look driving the car.
Joss calls her sister and tells her to pull over. She needs to tell her something, and she wants her to be as safe as possible when she hears it. She confesses that Harry stole the results and that she doesn’t know if he read them yet or not. Savi takes the news in stride and tells her sister that she’s on her way back to Palm Springs. Distracted, she pulls back out onto the highway without checking her mirrors and gets SLAMMED right in the driver’s side door by a car.
After getting advice from Karen (because that always works out well) April meets Hot Dad at her store and apologizes to him. At first I think she meant for assuming he was anything like her undead unhusband. I thought she chose him. I was ready to regale her with compliments for making a good decision. Cut to April telling Hot Dad she’s choosing Zombie Paul. I should have known a visit with Karen would send her down this dark road.
Back at the Cuckoo’s Nest, Sam calls out for his mother, but no one is home. Seems Elizabeth ran out after he confessed to her that he slept with Karen and she slapped him across his baby face. He goes into the safe to get his passport, only to notice that the gun they kept in there is not in its case as it should be.
Harry gets a call about Savi being in the hospital, since he’s still her emergency contact, and he doesn’t hesitate to say he’ll be there as soon as he can. He then calls Joss, who starts in on him about the messages she’s left, but he interrupts to tell her about the accident.
April is sitting in traffic, on her way to Palm Springs, and she leaves a message for Paul asking him out for lunch when she gets back. She starts to leave Joss a message, too, but while she’s complaining about traffic she sees what caused it—the T-Bird they rented, smashed and being towed.
“Mistresses” recap (1.13): Worst Birthday Ever